Emptiness

I feel so empty inside. That's the best way I can possibly describe how I'm doing. I'm not sure how long I can survive this feeling. I hate it. I thought that I'd never feel this again. I feel like I'm just a shell wondering around this world with no purpose left...I welcome an end. I almost stepped in front of a speeding car, the only reason I didn't is because of Bug. I'm trying to remember that she still needs me, but it's becoming harder and harder to keep going. I have, almost, no desire to "keep going." I wish I could just escape this all...

Lonely

It's now been a week since I've seen Bug and RJ. It's weird, but I miss them both. I'm having to pack everything up, because I need to move into a smaller place. I went to go pack RJ's room up, and unlike most people, I neatly packed RJ's clothes. I figure even though I'm having to use yard waste bags to pack his clothes, it doesn't mean I shouldn't pack his clothes as neatly as I can. Maybe I'm weird, but I still care about him. I feel like I lost my two best friends when he took off. I would give up everything to have them back. I would go as far as denying who I am if it meant them coming back. It's all my fault that they're gone...if I would have continued being the "perfect" housewife and kept my personal life private, then none of this would have happened. I'd still have my family. I haven't spoken to Ali in two days now...I miss hearing her voice, her laugh...just hearing her. As much of a chatter box as she is, I would LOVE to hear her chattering, hell I'd pay to hear her chattering little voice. I wish I wouldn't have fucked things up so much that he felt he had to take off with her. If he'd of just come to me and told me that he couldn't "take it any longer" I would have agreed to a divorce, and we could have worked things out as adults...but instead he had to act like a child and run away. I wish I could fix what I did....

Weird

Well, I don't have internet at home anymore....at least not for a while. Which is fine...makes me fill my day with some way more productive things, and in order for me to go online I have to walk somewhere that I can connect to the campus' free wi-fi. So, I only go out once a day, sometimes every other/few days.

Things lately have been a little weird for me though. The new meds I'm on, I think, are working...I'm having more good days then not. The days that I have "bad" days they seem more intense, but I think that it may be because of the fact that I'm not used to having so many good days...so the "bad" days seem worse than "normal." For me though, a "good" day is pretty much when I don't want to kill myself or cut...emotionally, things are still odd. I'm still not sure how to distinguish one feeling from another, or understand why I'm feeling a certain way. Like this morning I got upset and couldn't understand exactly why I was upset...yeah my appointment got canceled, but that's no reason to get upset. Bummed maybe, but not as upset as I got. Any way, she's supposed to call me next week to re-schedule...so I think I might see her twice next week...not definite. Even if I don't, I'll still see her next Friday. Though if I only see her next Friday, it'll only be for 50 minutes....hopefully we can accomplish what I was hoping to in the 50 minutes. It sucks, the times that I actually know what I want to talk about, my appointment gets canceled...this is the second time that its happened. Oi!

It's odd though...last week we were talking how I feel about the way people treat me b/c of who I am and how the only time it bothers me is when RJ or Bug are with me. I couldn't even admit out loud that I'm transsexual/transgender...I can describe it...or like I said in therapy "you know...me not feeling comfortable in my own skin." But I couldn't say who I really am out loud. I don't understand it. It's like when I first "came out of the closet"...I was a bit ashamed of who I was admitting to being. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I often, still, think that there's something wrong with me...as though I'm defective somehow. God and I have been having a few arguments lately. It's just I don't understand why He made me who I am, female, instead of who I'm meant to be, male...is He mad at me?!?!? Is it just Him showing that He has a sense of humor?!? WHY!?!?! Why me???? I hate who I am!!! I wish that I could be who I was meant to be... It hurts! The way people look at me, treat me, judge me...I hate it! I've had females flirt with me, but it's only because of the fact that they have no clue I'm actually a female myself. If they knew I doubt they would have flirted with me in the first place....stuff like that pisses me off, because I know that I've not a chance of ever truly being happy. RJ's already distanced himself from me to the point that it's weird for me...I didn't think that point would come for a while. There are times that even his words towards me are harsh, like he doesn't care at all. He took his wedding band off, which was my grandfather's, and put it on his key ring. That ticked me off, not him taking off...but him putting it on his key ring. If he was going to take it off, I would have preferred him give it back vs. treating it the way he is.

But over all...things for me have been weird; between my moods, my family life...everything in general. Not that I know what "normal" really is.

Honesty

Honesty, something a lot of people struggle with and a virtue that not many posses. I know that RJ and I try to be as honest as we can in order to set a good example for our daughter...who is at times, overly honest. She's one of those kids that you don't ask a question in which you don't want a truthful answer to.

Yesterday I experienced the importance of honesty. I had attended Pride Fest in Tri-Cities, which I had been excited about going. Half way through the day I'd gotten extremely hot and needed something other than water, so I decided to go to the grocery store that was only a few blocks away (turns out it was more like 1/4 a mile). As I was going into the store I observed this gentleman approach two older women (who were leaving the store) asking if they'd lost a wallet, when they responded no and continued on their way..he continued into the store right behind me. Something told me that there was something not quite right..so I slowed down and watched him, next thing I knew he was taking all the money out of the wallet. He then proceeded into the store and asked three more older women if they'd lost a wallet, and they had lost a wallet..they responded no as well and directed him to the manager that was at the first checkout register. As he told the manager that he found the wallet outside, the manager directed him to one of the customer service representatives. After the gentleman walked away, I told the manager that he'd taken all the money out of the wallet. He then approached the man to find out where he'd found it. I stuck around just in case they wanted a statement from me. After the manager came back in, he got my name, phone number, and a statement from me.

This morning I got a call from the Tri-Cities police department informing me that they had apprehended the guy who'd taken the money and got another statement from me. The officer then informed me that the couple who the wallet belonged to wanted to call and thank me for helping to catch the person who stole the money, but they couldn't give that information out..but they were able to give me their number and last name. I waited until noon to call them, because I didn't want to call too early. When I called I told the woman that I was glad they got their money back. The woman informed me that she is very happy that there are "still honest young people in today's society and that's something you don't run into very often." I let her know that it is unfortunate, yet true. I'm just glad they the police were able to get them their wallet and money back, I know what it's like to have my wallet stolen..except in my case all the money and bank cards were stolen, all that was returned were my wallet (duh), ID, and emergency card with my phone number on it. I'm thankful that God put me in the right place at the right time yesterday.

Amusing

Well, today has been an interesting day...I went downtown to Walla Walla and picked up my ticket to catch the bus out to Tri-Cities on Saturday...my buddy Jake joined me to get his ticket as well. I'm so excited about getting to go to Pride Fest this weekend. When I told my brother that RJ told me that I should go, and that he paid for my bus ticket to go, he was surprised. It surprised me as well...but his thoughts are, it's an outing that I need to make. Which him saying something like that is unusual for him, but he I'm not arguing. Other than that, today has been mundane. I got my haircut by my niece, and Ali got hers done as well...my hair on the sides and in the back is much shorter than I've had it since living out here, but it works for the heat that we've been having. A friend of mine has been begging me to go out with him and smoke pot with him, but I can't risk it, considering I'm likely going to get blood test done every month because of my medication...and marijuana will show up on a blood test. I know that if I smoke it right after I get my blood test at the beginning of the month, that it won't show up the following month, but it's always mid-month or towards the end of the month that he wants me to join him. It kinda' sucks because it works better than any of the medications I've been on in a while.

Life's been tough. i'm not going to lie about that. I've gone back to cutting, only because it's what I know as a release. Ever since I started this new medication that I'm on, it's made me more depressed. I can be in a good mood, but deep down all I want to do is kill myself. What scares me the most about it, I've already come up with a plan on how I would do it. I hate this feeling. I'm finally figuring out who I am and the one thing on my mind the most is how I'm going to end it all. I can't bring this up in therapy, because all they'll do is put me in a psychiatric hospital. That will just make matters worse. Maybe this outing on Saturday will help to get my mind off of how I've been feeling...I hope it does. I'm sure it will, because it'll get me out of the house and doing something that I'll enjoy. I just hope that I handle the massive crowds ok...again, I'm sure I'll be fine I'll take my meds, as perceived...and they'll help me out. I keep getting told that I have to think positively which is what I'm trying to do. If I keep thinking negatively, it won't make things any better...and I want to "feel" I want to live not just survive.


Oh, I fell back asleep after writing my last entry...and I figured out who the guard was in my dream, because I had the same dream...oddly it was my psychiatrist. Now, I'm curious what my dream meant...because that's just weird.

Ack! Dreams!

Well, I had another one of those freaky dreams last night, and it wasn't a flashback (I think I'd almost prefer a flashback over the dream I had).

I don't remember the dream in its entirety, but here goes; I remember being in a Natzi style encampment, with my closest friends and family, we were all working and doing what we were told. Next thing I remember is all my friends and family were standing in front of a large hole, kinda' like a trench. I'm standing in front of them with, what appears to be, a machine (type) gun in my hands and a guard next to me with a pistol to my head telling me that unless I killed all my friends he would kill me...next thing I know, I hear a gun shot and screaming...then I woke up in tears.
After that I was unable to fall back asleep after that one. I couldn't imagine having to have a choice like that, with not knowing that by giving my own life, my friends would be spared. For all I know, in a situation like that, regardless of my decision...everyone dies.

Any who...had my therapy appointment yesterday, and I took my brother's idea and started off with "here is how I'm feeling, I don't know why, but here's what I want to talk about." Which we did...and for once I was comfortable talking, because I had it set on my mind what I wanted, needed, talk about. It was, however, interesting to talk to her about not feeling comfortable in my own skin. As we got into talking about it, some of the questions she asked were like she was in my head...she knew exactly what to ask me and pretty much knew what my answer was going to be. I had told her about never, as far back as I can remember, feeling comfortable in "girl" clothes. That even the pictures of me from when I was younger show the difference in how happy or unhappy I was according to what I was wearing. I mentioned to here about the, almost, week that I, as an experiment, spent dressing more feminine and how miserable I was for the entire time of the experiment. I've since then, gotten ride of all the clothes that I wore for that week. I, actually, can't stand wearing feminine clothes...I'm miserable. I actually, unless I'm with RJ or Ali, when people call me "sir" I don't correct them anymore. Why correct people for something that, I've only let it bother me because of the people around me. My therapist even said (and I know my brother is going to say something to the affect of, "I told you so.") that I need to quit worrying about what makes everyone else happy or comfortable and start worrying about what makes me happy. If I don't care about being called "sir" then don't correct them, regardless of who's around. I've got to agree with her. I'd mentioned to her that I was looking at having my name changed from "Danielle" to "Danni", because not many people know me or call me "Danielle" anymore. I actually hate being called "Danielle." She said that if that would make me more comfortable/happy making it legal then "by all means" have it done. For the social security office it's really easy...but for the DOL I'll need a bit more paperwork, but it'll still be rather easy. So, I'm pretty happy about that. But, as we got further into the conversation, she'd mentioned the lack of, really, any difference between a transsexual and a transgender...and that I fit under those definitions. She also mentioned that what I brought up is a good thing to work on...learning to be comfortable with being myself. She did say it'll be a tough journey, but in the end it'll be worth it...and assured me that there is an end to the journey, but it will open up things for a whole other journey. I'm glad that we, finally, have something to focus on...and it's not my past experiences. For once, I'm actually looking forward to my next appointment, because I know what we're going to talk about. She had also mentioned to me that a compression vest will help me pull off the "guy look" vs getting the surgery, and it's much cheaper. Cheaper is good.

Other than that, this week has been pretty good. I'm looking forward to Saturday, because I get to go to Tri-Cities and go to Pride Fest...and I convinced my buddy, Jake, to go with me. So, now I won't be going by myself. I go to pick up my ticket today. RJ gave me $20 to buy a Grapeline ticket to get to Tri-Cities and back, because I couldn't find any other way of getting there. I'll be posting a few pictures of my time there on either Sunday or Monday.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!!

Can't sleep, aliens will eat me...

Well, I probably shouldn't have laid down right before dinner...I fell asleep for about an hour, and now I can't fall asleep. It's about 3:30a and I'm not tired. This sucks! Though between talking with my ex and my two brothers...also with some of my own reflection, what my oldest brother and I discussed is making more and more sense. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin, growing up I always felt like there was something wrong with me...like I was defective or something. Looking back at some pictures of me when I was growing up, a lot of them I was wearing boys clothes or clothes that looked like boys clothes. I looked happy. I miss "feeling" anything, especially happy. I don't remember the last time I honestly felt happy. I'm hoping that with discovering who I really am, and getting to be myself without anyone telling me who to be...I will discover what happiness is again. I look forward to my therapy appointment on Wednesday, for once. I actually know what I want to and am going to talk about, which is unusual. I usually have no clue as to what I want to or wish to talk about. I'm sure she'll be surprised when I'm just going to get to the point on Wednesday. I hate tip toeing around things. I drew out, within the first two or three appointments, several of my memories that I'm ready to talk about and told her that I wanted talk about one of them but wasn't sure which. I proceeded to ask her to pick one, so that we could work through it...we ended up talking about something else...my past abuse has only really come up one other time since then...and even then it was only for 5 or 10 minutes. Didn't really accomplish anything pertaining to it. So, instead of working through my past memories, I'm going to work on some of my present issues...past memories, evidently not important. Which at this point doesn't matter much...what I want to work on right now, is why I physically feel the way that I do. I want to work through feeling as though I'm defective. Life is a wondrous thing, no two people are exactly alike...no one has gone through the exact same experiences, feel the same, nothing...I have such a hard time understanding myself, it's not until I had the conversation with my oldest brother and he asked me if I ever wished I had a penis. The first thought through my head was, "how the hell does he know?" Off and on since I was a kid, I knew I was different, I'd just thought I liked girls...which made me a lesbian, just I couldn't shake this feeling that at times I'd wished I was a boy. In high school I'd heard of transvestites, and how they were cross dressers (which I wore boys clothes already) but didn't think that, that explained me...because besides wearing boys clothes I'd still often wish I were a boy, but thought it was just a phase...I knew I just wasn't comfortable in my own skin...like I was supposed to be someone else, but who I didn't know. I'd started using the nickname I currently go by since I was about 13 y/o. I just didn't like my full first name, it just wasn't me, the nickname I went by and still go by has always been more fitting and more...comfortable for me. I'm weird, I guess. A little quirky as well. But that's just me.

Confused and Nervous

This past Sunday I went to an AA meeting with my brother, and it was actually interesting. I didn't talk, mostly because I was nervous. On the way home my brother and I got into some interesting conversation...which a lot of it was helpful. The most interesting one was regarding me never feeling comfortable in my own skin. He threw me off when he asked me if I'd ever wished I had a penis. When in fact I have, I've actually looked into sex reassignment surgery(sex change). As we got to talking he mentioned that I might be transgender vs lesbian...up until I was around, I think, 25 y/o I'd never heard of transgender...I'd only heard of transvestite(cross dressers), which I wasn't sure if I was or wasn't because I've always been more comfortable in boy's/men's clothes. When I had heard of it, I didn't really know what it was, I just thought it was someone born with both male and female sex organs. As he and I got to talking, I started understanding what/who transvestites really are...and it started making sense. He'd mentioned that, that may explain why I've never felt comfortable in my own skin...as he described what/who transvestites are it was one of those "that explains everything" moments. I've just never been feminine or felt, I guess you could say, comfortable as a female...I've always thought that there was "something wrong with me." Now I know that I'm not going crazy, and there isn't anything wrong with me. I don't plan on telling RJ, because he's already having issues with me being lesbian...he'd have a cow if I told him I'm not lesbian, I'm a transvestite. I think that this will be one of those things that I don't tell anyone in my family. I feel really...I dunno', ashamed of who I am.

My therapist called just a bit ago, and apparently she can't see me on Friday...the one time I actually have something I want to talk about. I asked her if there's any other day that she can see me, and she managed to get me in on Wednesday. I know what I want to talk about, I'm just nervous about putting it out into words...I'm going to write it out onto paper, and just read it...like my brother suggested. I think that will be easier.

Other then that not much new going on...I'm trying to write more to get out how I'm feeling...it's just hard.

All I want

Therapy still confuses me...I'm supposed to come up with what I want to talk about, yet I have such a hard time to figure out how to get my thoughts into words. I can write how I'm feeling down, or type it. Often to others what I write to describe how I'm feeling, doesn't make sense to them. The one thing we kind of talked about was one thing that I want to get out of therapy...one thing I want is to really feel like I'm living vs. just functioning. I only feel like I'm functioning. To live is to feel, emotionally, to be aware of what is going on with your life. All I know is that I hate myself and that my new medication is making me feel more depressed, and the anti-anxiety med is making me so exhausted during the day that between the depression and the exhaustion, it's hard for me to get up and moving for the day.

Other than that, between Ali and RJ constantly hitting or squeezing my left hand...one of them is going to end up re-breaking my finger...right now it hurts a bit right now, because RJ accidentally grabbed my hand really hard this morning. It was irritating, because up until that point my hand wasn't irritating me.

I spoke with my hair dresser today to find out the name of the hair dye that he recommended to me, because it lasts around 2 months or longer...depending on how well and what type of hair product you use. The only place he knows to get it is Tri-Cities, which me making it out there is not happening. He informed me that he will be making a trip out there in the near future and that he wouldn't mind picking it up for me and getting it on his discount. With him doing my hair, he charges me the equivalence of a hair cut...which is cool. It makes it affordable for me to get my hair done...out of all the people that I've allowed to do my hair, he's the only one that consistently does it right...and I don't have to tell him how I want it done. This will be interesting when I start the new quarter...my hair will be quite colourful.

Even though RJ and I have talked about waiting till Ali's older and we've both finished our degrees and are set in a stable job for our profession before we split up...I'm tempted to suggest to him divorcing before then, so that we're both "free"...and just continue living together, because it will benefit both of us continuing to live together. But I don't think that he will go for it. I'm not considering it to be selfish, but I want to make it to where he's free to date whomever he wishes. I just don't want him to feel like he's locked down and not able to have a relationship that will make him happy. It feels like he's not happy, and I just want him to be happy...that's all I want. Ali couldn't handle us not living together. She'd caught us discussing "splitting up" and she freaked, which shows us that she couldn't handle it. The only thing I care about on this matter is the two of them being happy, my happiness comes secondary.


Family first....self comes secondary....

hell

it's just been one of those weeks..feel like hell. i hate this week. i went from burning myself, back to cutting myself...yet again. i feel like a failure. i made it almost three months without cutting, and now i went back to my old "bad habits" all over again. the only thing i'm being 1/2 way intelligent about is timing when i smoke a joint...only because i know how long it'll take to get out of my system before my blood test without popping positive next month. i'm just glad that the person i've been getting it from is still in town during summer break, he was planning on going to visit family. it's one of the few things that i can do to help me relax even a little, but i have to do it within the first week and a half of the month. i know i souldn't, but with my meds not doing a damn thing...it's almost like the only thing that actually helps.
i hate the way i feel. i hate myself.

Endless Hell
The pain inside
Is ripping
Is tearing
My soul apart
Trying to find an end
Closed doors
Are all I see
In this dark hell
People call life
I try to run
Only to find

...no end

i just want need an end to this life hell...