Bug's 10, yet I still feel like hell...

Well, Bug turned 10 today...she was SO happy when everyone showed up...me, I was beyond my stress level. I'm not used to having so many people over. When we lived in Western Washington, we NEVER had anyone over. I guess it's mostly because I couldn't handle the stress...and now I know why...but I think I managed to keep myself together enough today. I hate when people see me stressed...it's like I look weak, like I can't handle something so simple as having company over. I hate that feeling. I love my daughter, and I think she's the main reason that I managed to keep myself together....either that or the possible embarrassment of "loosing it." Either way...doesn't matter.



After everyone left I got a wonderful text from my mother, "Aren't you going to call so we can sing Happy Birthday to Ali?" ummm...hello? Shouldn't THEY be the ones calling her, not the other way around....??? I'm a bit confused. On top of that, they (and my sister) gave her an online gift card for Children's Place...a store I don't shop at for Bug because of their prices being ridiculously high. I've told them several times that if they want to get her one for Wal-Mart...a place we actually shop at for her clothes. I might be able to get her, maybe, two outfits with the gift cards...if I'm lucky. My family drives me crazy...sometimes I wish I could dis-own them. They have this thing of making my life miserable at the worst times, and then I end up stressed out for the remainder of the day. I try to ignore them...but it doesn't ever seem to work. They'll block their number before they call, and I have this terrible habit of answering the phone on blocked numbers, because I have friends who have unlisted numbers and that's what shows up when they call. I hate my family. I hate my life. I'm tired of always having to put on this facade that everything is okay...when it's not, and I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to RJ because he wouldn't understand the hell I go through everyday...it's like I'm mentally spinning out of control and I'm going to eventually crash. I just want it all to end...to go away...but I know if I end it all then all my control will just be given to the fate of the world. I've got no control over anything...not even my emotions, I don't understand it.

Then there's RJ...who can't keep track of ANYTHING. The school gave him a day-timer of sorts, and a week into freakin' school and he's already lost it!!! He can't even keep track of days that I tell him that he needs to take Bug to her appointments...I'm going to have to text him just to remind him, either that or rush to get her from school...get her from her appointment, and get her back to school....he's impossible. It's like today, he told I couldn't work on my homework at all...because of the Sabbath, which understand. Then, not even before sunset...he's at the table working on HIS homework...I'm so sick of him saying I can't do something and then HE does it himself. Like tomorrow, I'm going to have to go to the library to work on my homework just so he can get his done on the computer, because we only have one computer...why the heck couldn't he do it at school after school or show up early to work on it there??? It seems like he ALWAYS waits till he's home to work on any of it. So, now I get to spend, probably, my entire day at the library just to get mine done. I'm almost at the point of telling him to pack his bag and get the hell out of MY APARTMENT!! The main reason I don't is because of Bug...that and I know he wouldn't have anyplace to go...he wouldn't be able to make it on his own, because neither of us have jobs and we're barely making it by off of what little is left from our tax return and the money that the state gave us for the month of March, which we're not getting next month...because to them neither of us can go to school and do job searches...which is bull shit, because RJ's only in school for 1/2 the day and he can do some quick job searches and then work on his homework...he just doesn't want to do the work to help us make it by. I'm having to try to search for a part-time job just so that we have something to help us pay the bills and replace the clothes that Bug's growing out of. I'm not sure I can wait until both of us graduate and get a divorce, which is our agreement. We're getting ready to move into a 4 bedroom house and he wants to give it up and wait until summer to get a house...I keep trying to explain to him that this is a great opportunity being handed to us (because we got bumped up on the waiting list so that we could get this house)...I think it's mostly because of the fact that I made it very clear that I would be, eventually, getting a room of my own and he would get one of his own. I think he's finally realizing that there's really nothing left to our relationship. I've been trying to be distant to him lately, just to get it through his thick head that I look at him more like a brother/friend than a husband...but I don't think he's getting it. I don't know. I'm just sick of it all...I want to find a deep dark hole and stay in it forever.

I'm sick of it all...
I want it all to just end or go away...

Unworthy...

Been doing okay today...I guess. It would figure though, the one day I don't wear my coat or bring my umbrella it freaking rained...not just a drizzle...RAINED! Needless to say, I wasn't too happy about having to walk home in it. To top all matters off this week, I found out that one of my psych classes that I thought was only once a week is in fact twice a week...so, I missed a class and now I've got double the homework to get done. Oi! I though last quarter was tough...this one I've got at least two papers to write each night! On top of my math homework that I have. I'm not sure if I'm going to survive this quarter. All I know is on Sunday, I'm probably going to be at the library all freakin' day...if I say home I won't get anything done, because there are too many distractions for me here at home. I hate to leave RJ home with Bug, especially considering he has homework too...but in comparison, I've got WAY more homework then him and a lot of it is due on either Monday or Tuesday. Obviously I'm going to work on the Monday stuff first.

I posted, a few days ago a comparison of who I was when I was younger (in High School) vs who I am now...my incubator of a mother decided to post her two cents on what I put (needless to say it was deleted within an hour). Most of what she posted was incorrect but the reason I deleted it is because of one of the last lines where she basically put that if anyone wanted the full story to call her and then she put her phone number. I'm so ticked at her...she's constantly putting me down and saying what I state isn't the truth, just to make herself look better. I have no reason and nothing to gain by lying. So, why would I put something that isn't the truth? She tried stating that had she known about the harassment and torment that I went through in High School that she'd of done something about it...like she did anything about when I was tormented in Middle School and I told her and she did nothing because I had "no proof" when I would come home with bruises on my arms from getting hit and shoved against lockers??? Why would I tell her anything about what I was going through in High School when she did nothing when I was going through similar stuff in Middle School??? I don't understand her. She claims that she treated my sister and I equally, when she constantly told me, "You're just like your father." Who she divorced when I was five and half....how the hell am I supposed to take a comment like that when she had no respect for him and constantly talked about how much of an ass he was and so on...??? Most of my life I felt unwanted....like I was some sort of mistake. She's the reason I have issues with liking myself...she constantly down talked me and made it clear when I would "mess up" on something, like she expected me to be perfect or something.


I hate myself...
I HATE her...
I don't deserve to be here....

Tough Job

Well, I'm going to be doing possibly (one of) the toughest jobs I've had to do in a LONG time. On Thursday, I'm going to be (in front of my class) be telling part of my personal history. We're studying different types of mental disorders and my professor asked me if I could speak in front of the class, because of my history. I'm scared, because they judge me already...I'm afraid that they'll just just judge me even more...that I'll be more of a "freak" than I already am to them. It's not like I chose what happened to me or what/who I ended up being because of all that. But, people still tend to be judgmental and that what always worries me. One of my professors emailed me this morning after me saying that I might not be at class today...let alone at all this week...Here's what he wrote back:


"What hell? The shunning of the students, the bad childhood, the new lifestyle that is creating social problems, the marriage? I'll bet it is a bit of everything. I am so sorry that you have been through so much. No one should have had all of those bad experiences, you certainly didn't deserve them. However, you are a survivor with lots of cool things about you and talents you haven't even uncovered yet. I treasure you and applaud how you have managed so far so well. Keep it up!"


That meant so much to me this morning, his class is the only class I've made it to today, because of me not feeling well...physically and emotionally. I'm at the point of not being able to, mentally, deal with much more criticism, ignorance, and judgment from people. I'm just so fucking tired of it all. It's actually made me sick to my stomach. I thing that, that's part of the reason I'm not feeling good...that and the Seroquil making it's way out of my system. I'm trying to keep it together because I don't present my story until Thursday. I'm gradually putting things together so that I speak for about forty to forty-five minutes and then take any questions that anyone might have. Because I know that there will be questions, there always are...


Any-who...I gotta keep pushing on like I always do...


That's how I've made it this far.

Not Sure

I'm not sure how I "feel" right now...and that seems to be the one question that everyone keeps asking me. I keep telling them, "I'm fine." When in all actuality, I'm falling apart inside. I can't explain why...I just feel like I'm spinning out of control and as I come crashing down I'm falling apart. I have to keep this facade that I'm okay, so that nobody suspects anything. And yes, I do realize that I have one person that actually reads this...and I'm not sure I care.

My family says that they know "about me" and that "they don't care and they accept me for who I am." But I'm having an extremely hard time believing them. After all these years and the hell that they've put me through. It's hard to believe anything that they say. Then my step-mom states that her and my dad have known for a while....how? They've hardly been a part of my life for the past 30 years, they don't really know me...not until I posted the "Note" on my FB account that basically stated who I am vs. who I was...and I basically outed myself by writing it. Which partly was the purpose. I want to let people know who are "friends" on my FB account that I am who I am and nothing is going to change that. I'm not going to let anyone change who I am anymore. I'm tired of people telling me who I am and who I'm not....I've put up with it my entire life, and I'm not putting it up any longer. The one thing I do hate is the fact that I have to depend on stupid pills to "feel normal"...the damn things don't work...I'm sick of taking pills that don't work and people telling me that I'm "crazy"...they're now making me see a shrink which is something that I specifically didn't want to do. I don't trust 'em. I hate them. I swear if this one tries to re-analyze me and then re-diagnose me...I'm going to fucking loose my mind. I've been diagnosed too many times with too many freaking different things. I finally got a diagnosis that makes sense...I don't need to be told I'm any crazier then I already feel.

My mind is twisting and twirling and I'm coming to a crashing end that I'm not sure how much longer I can "hang on there"...

Rough Times

Right now things are rather rough. I'm going through (basically) an emotional roller coaster...and I don't know which way is up or down. It's hard...very hard to say the least. I want to give up...but I know I shouldn't. I've got too many people that care about me...why, I don't know. All I know is that they actually care about me, and I don't think I want them to miss me. I recently wrote a "note" on my FB account that basically stated who I was "Then" (around high school) vs. who I am "Now"...in a nut shell...I outed myself. Then for some reason....I think I'm going crazy...viral messaged it to EVERYONE on my "friends list". Like I said, I don't know what was going through my mind...but I think I might be loosing my marbles...in all actuality, I want to see who my TRUE friends are vs. those who pretend to be my friend...we'll see by the end of the week. Right now I'm at I think 69 people on my "friends list"...I only messaged it to those I really know vs those I added b/c of the silly games. Any how...my med doctor now wants me to see a psychiatrist (I can't remember the guy's name) but anyhow...I hate psychiatrists!!! I'm not sure as to why, I think I had a bad experience or something...but I really don't like them, and I don't trust them. I'm having to see my med doctor once a week until they finally are able to get me in to see this guy...not sure how much "progress" we'll make with him. I hate psychiatrist!!! Which is why I'm only going into psychology. By the time I make it into my Master's program I'm hoping to have my "head screwed on straight"...and able to better control myself and my emotions...cause right now it's really hard to do both. I can handle one or the other...but both at the same time...SUCKS!!! I'd much rather having both under control (I can hear my brother's voice now "you hate not being in control) and he's DAMN right when it comes to where I'm at right now emotionally. I HATE being out of control with my emotions. But any how....It's late...meds are kicking in...finally...so I think I should maybe go to bed now...

I am LOVED!!!

Dear God...

Dear God,

Are you even there? Do you hear me when I pray or when I cry out to you? Why is it so hard for me to be able to put my full trust in you when it seems as though you're not even there? I know that You are my Lord and Savior. But I don't understand...are you there? Are you listening? I don't understand why things always seem to have to constantly be so hard. I know that if they weren't I wouldn't learn anything...but what am I supposed to learn when I can't hear you? I try so hard each and every day to keep going...but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going. I wish you'd answer me when I cry out to you. But all I ever hear is silence. I know my brother, his family, and my daughter care about me deeply...but I'm not sure even with knowing this if I can keep going. I want to know you more so badly, yet you don't hear my cries. It's as though you're ignoring me, which I must say...I'm getting used to because almost everyone ignores me nowadays. I'm just "another face in the crowd" among all these other students and people walking around campus. No one special...no one important...no one worth noticing. I've learned to tune them all out with my music, when I have it. I try to have my quiet time each day, somehow or another, in hopes of hearing your voice...but, silence is all I get.

So, I ask again...God are you really there? If you are, I'm here...I'm listening.

Sincerely,

Danni

Importance of Medication

Okay, so I've discovered (the hard way) the dire importance of my night time medication. I forgot....better yet refused to take it last night, thinking I could fall asleep on my own. HA! Who was I kidding. I ended up making it through the two disks of Lord of the Rings last night and on top of that ended up drinking two cups of coffee. SO...needless to say, I didn't fall asleep...better yet, pass out until around 5am. To top all matters off, I have this internal alarm clock that wakes me up at 7:15am because that's the time Bug has to leave by to get to the bus stop on time. SO....no meds = NO SLEEP! Needless to say I've been running all day off of just over 2 hours of sleep. I can no longer hold a proper conversation without tripping over my words...and let's put it this way, thank God for spell check, cause I can't seem to spell either. Another funny thing, apparently God likes to teach me lessons by throwing me down flights of stairs...I went to go check my mail (unable to focus properly) and half way down the freakin' stairs, I almost fell. I'm thankful I didn't (this time) because I might of actually done more damage to myself than just spraining my ankle. I do believe I will #1 take my meds before bed tonight and #2 go to bed early tonight...I am so tired!!!

Lesson learned...I REALLY do need those meds that I was prescribed for night time.

All Alone

There are times, like the past few days, that I just feel like I'm all alone and no one gives a damn about me...I feel like no one would notice if I'm here or not. I'm not sure any more about anything. I've thought about just taking off and never returning, I've thought about taking my own life and just ending it all...I'm not too sure about anything anymore. I try to hide behind this mask that shows I'm okay, when in reality I'm not. In reality I'm screaming and crying inside, "God, why me? I just don't understand...why???"

I lay hear alone...not wanting to be here anymore...

Should I be...I don't know???

Okay, so (I guess) good news today. Got a call from housing asking if we were still interested in moving into Hallmark apartments, which is off campus apartments...I explained to him that we were already in Hallmark apartments and that we were waiting for a house to become available, and that we were told that it would be about Summer before on would become available. He then said that I was lucky, because one had just become available and that if I liked it he'd bump our name up on the waiting list. So, I went with him to get the "grand tour" of the house...and it's cute. It would definitely work for us. We got to talking on the way back and he told us the price and that we'd have to pay a small landscaping fee (cutting the grass and such) which I'm fine with, and that the house would be ready in 3-4 weeks...then when he mentioned the rent and that was based on the fact that it's "technically" a two bedroom (when actuality it's about a 4 bedroom. Which REALLY works for us. It has washer/dryer hookups, which we do not have either. Now, you would think that I'd be thrilled about finally getting into a house...but in reality it doesn't matter. I hate feeling like this. I don't care.

On top of all matters, I thought I had made it two weeks w/o cutting (today would have made the two week mark)...I failed on that just like everything else. I tried to get my mind off of feeling the way I do and divert my attention to something else...but I couldn't even do that. Lately it seems as though I can't do anything right. The only two things I know I can do right is cut my wrists and make it all go away (but with my luck I'd fail at that too. I feel so stupid and like an idiotic moron...I have no clue how I even passed my classes...especially considering the fact that I quit caring about them about a month before the end of the quarter...I'm not sure I really care about the new quarter at this point. I'm trying SO hard to put on this facade of a mask that I'm okay, when in reality I'M NOT! I'm searching and waiting for that deep dark hole to appear so that I can hide in it and never...ever come out.

Worth It???

I don't know...lately I've just been feeling kinda' "Blah." I'm not sure as to why...it's like I'm stuck in this feeling of just wanting to dig a deep dark hole and never ever come out. If not that just hang from a tree as to my life doesn't seem worth anything. I'm not sure as to what is more tempting. I'm tired of being in this state of not feeling beyond this stat of "blah"...I've managed to put on this facade of a mask and fool my family into thinking otherwise, but I'm not sure as to how much longer it'll work. The new term starts next Monday...and I honestly don't care. I could care less about any of it. Yeah I paid money to go to school, but I could care less about going. I'm hating my "life" as it is. RJ made a comment this past weekend that still kind of sticks with me - he said, "You're the one that doesn't want me around anymore." When in reality, it's not that I don't want him around - it's just that I'd rather not have to share the same bed with him, at the very least. If given the chance or opportunity (which will probably never happen) I'd rather live in a separate house or apartment. The only reason behind that is because he's straight and I'm not...he still expects to have sex with me...when I find the idea grotesque...though I allow him to have sex with me once a month, more or less to keep him happy and to get him to leave me alone. Thankfully I have a very good imagination and can imagine him as someone else, so that it doesn't make the experience too bad or disgusting to me...though if that doesn't work (heaven for bid) I end up having a flashback which puts an immediate hault on everything. Which I'm not sure what's better imaginating him as someone else or dealing with a flashback...honestly, not having to have sex in the first place would be better, but then dealing with the attitude because of the no sex tends to get frustrating. I'm at the point that I just want to be gone from this all. RJ wouldn't really miss me, and I'm not sure Bug would either...the only times she seems to acknowledge me is if RJ tells her to give me a hug or if she wants to talk to my mom and step-dad....and that can be resolved by her using RJ's phone and he wouldn't have to worry about telling her to give me a hug or anything...because then I wouldn't be around anymore. I'm sick of it all...I don't think I have much reason to be here any longer...this thing called "life" just doesn't seem worth it anymore...

No Excuses

This is weird, I know I should be completely excited...but, I'm (in reality) not. I found out via email from my math teacher that I got a "C" in his class, which is a passing grade. But I'm actually upset with myself, because I know I could have done better. I hate feeling the way I do all the time. I've been doing the "self-talk" that my brother's suggested I do. But right now...I just want to hide in a deep dark hole and NEVER come out. I don't understand this. I "should" be happy...I passed all my classes. But I could have gotten all "A's"...I failed to work hard enough. I...didn't try hard enough...I failed to ask for help when I didn't understand the work we were doing. I'm tired of this, I'm not sure I'll succeed next quarter. This past quarter was "easy" classes...next quarter I know my classes are going to be MUCH harder...and I'm not smart enough for the more difficult courses. My Psych classes this past quarter, she didn't go by the book, most of the questions on the quizzes were "opinion" questions (in your own opinion) or open book...her final was show up fill out the questionnaire and you passed the final...don't show up your grade drops two grades (ie: you have a "B+" it'll drop to a ("B" or "C+") the writing assignments were easy too (the only difficult part, for me, was dealing with the emotions attached to them)...but over all, it was a "fly" course. In reality I didn't learn much of anything...I showed up, tried to take notes (which in the end were pointless) and participated in the group discussion activities. A monkey could have passed that class. My study skills class was almost the same except she actually gave assignments...but they were still easy assignments. I think that the only reason I got a "B" in my English class was because I quit caring...it was around the time of day that most of my medication would start to wear off. That and because later in the quarter during the class I would start to cry for no apparent reason and have to walk out in hopes that no one would notice, and because of this I would miss some of class and what she was talking about. My math class, I failed to ask questions when I didn't understand something...I just failed to try.

In the end...I'm an idiot. I don't know...maybe I don't deserve to be around anymore. I've got a few ways to fix my problem...

Unsure

I hate this...my doctor upped one medication and lowered another, neither of which have anything to do with one another. One is an anti-anxiety medication the other is for PTSD (for the nightmares and daytime memory flashbacks). One I take three times a day the other I only take at bedtime. The one I take at bedtime now that its been upped again, has me so groggy I'm almost nonfunctional until sometime in the afternoon. The one I was taking three times a day I'm now down to twice a day once in the morning and again at bedtime....here's the problem with that, mid-day when it starts wearing off in my system is when I'm in class. So, needless to say I'm going through anxiety attacks, while in class...how this is helping me is beyond me. I don't see him again until the 6th because he only comes up to campus medical once a week (I think) and it's difficult to get to see him without a preset appointment. I see the nurse once spring break is over (in a week) because campus medical is closed...and even then I have to change the appointment that I have scheduled. I hate feeling like this, especially considering it's now after 4pm and I still feel groggy. I shouldn't be feeling like this. To make matters more interesting, I'm at the point I don't care (about anything). I've gone just barely over a week without cutting...the temptation is still there, especially today...I don't know how to control it. I got my ear pierced (industrial piercing) to help with the need for pain (so that I'm somewhat grounded) but it's now two days later, and it barely hurts...to the point that I don't notice it's there most of the time. There are times that I'm afraid of myself, this is (borderline) one of those times. I know that this medication is supposed to help with my PTSD, but I wonder if it's supposed to make me forget some of the shit that's happened and details of what happened to me. I'm not sure which medication out of the four (soon to be five) it is that just makes me number than before...not care. There are days that I "could care less" about anything. Days that I can't even make a simple decision (ie: what I want to drink) because I just really don't give a care...and then the next moment I'm yelling at RJ for something stupid (and yes, I'm taking my meds as prescribed with the exception of days that I'm incoherent until 2-3pm). I can't blame it on my not taking my medication. I'm tired of this...I was hoping that these meds would help me feel somewhat "normal"...but there are days that I feel like crap, worse than before. I know I need to give it time before I'll notice the full effect, but I've been on (some of) these meds for almost 3 months...how long is it supposed to take??? This is just extremely frustrating right now.

Right now if I could have one thing...just one thing in the entire world, it would be to have the ability to "feel normal." Though I'm not even sure if I'd know the difference between that and the way I feel right now...what would be the point? I'm aware of the fact that from now on I will never, for the remainder of my life, be off of medication. Just the idea of that, sucks. I don't like the idea that my ability to (eventually) have a "normal" life will depend on medication. It's like I'm some sort of drone, so to speak. I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it...



"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...(I think)

In His Own Time

Something that my wonderful LOVING brother keeps telling me..."God will do things in HIS own time." Well, he's right...God does things in HIS own time, and He's a procrastinator. Okay, so RJ and I have been waiting patiently for our tax return. It finally came in this week, here's the kicker...only to find out that our debit card had been shut off by the credit union we're with, because we had been overdrawn for over 35 days (only because we needed the money). Well, we got that situation kinda' resolved...we can us the card, at ATM's only...which is fine with me...at least I can use it. Well, RJ and I both had an appointment at DSHS today an hour apart from each other...needless to say they ended up seeing us together. The main reason we went was to get our medical taken care of...when we got back there the worker informed us that not only had we had medical all month...but we have TANIF (cash assistance for the past week). Now we had put part of our tax return to the side for my school bill, and when we got home I checked the mail and there it was, the letter from DSHS stating we were getting medical and TANIF...I called the 800# to see how much was on the card...I was able to take part of that and put it to the side for my school bill...needless to say, I'm now only just under $300 short on my school bill...I'm going to see if they'll let me make payments on the last bit that I owe...cause with TANIF I'll be able to take part of it for the next 2 months and have the remainder paid off. I'm so excited about this!!! I didn't think we'd be able to come up with as much as we did...RJ's amazed as am I...but any how that is not only the highlight of my day...but heck my week!!! I'm so relived that we've been able to come up with as much as we did. My bill was just under $1300 and now I'll owe just under $200. I know that He will help me come up with the last bit so that I can continue my classes next quarter. To top all things off RJ got accepted into WWCC nursing program!!! So, he'll be starting school this quarter as well!!! Yay!!! God is SO awesome!!! I've got another really awesome thing, but I don't want to write about it just yet because I want to tell my brother face to face...not him reading it here 1st. :)



"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

Had FUN Making This One :)

Stressed

Well, three of my four teachers have posted the grades, which turned out as expected...so now I'm just waiting for my math teacher to post grades, hoping he does tomorrow. Other than than that my day went okay, got to sleep in for the first time in a while...but I don't think I shouldn't get used to that for too terribly long, because I start the new quarter in just over a week. I just hope I get at least a "C" in my freakin' math class...if I don't I'm going to have to drop one of my classes...and I don't know which class I would drop because I like 'em all. I'm just stressed about what my grade is in that one class. I'm so hopeful that I get atleast a passing grade...RJ keeps telling me not to worry...but I'm worried because math was and isn't my best subject...

Thank God It's over...

Well, I took my last final today....I won't know my grades until Monday, I think. But I know I have a "B+" in my english class, the teacher told me :)  ....I'm pretty sure I got an "A" in my study skills and psych class (rj.and I agrees that if I don't get an "A" in my psych class we're going to shoot the teacher)....my math class I'm hoping for at least a "C" though a "B" would be nice. Any how I'm on spring break...time to get caught up on appointments...fun, fun...any who, I'll be on pins and needles until gradds are posted....

Finals Week: Day 1

Shiesh!! I'm tired and I'm only through 1 of my 4 finals...I have two tomorrow and a presentation to give as part of one of my finals. All that is left to do for the presentation is print the report and the pictures then QUICKLY get the pictures glued onto the board. Other then that I think the project turned out pretty freakin' good. Though only 2 out of the 3 of us did any work for this project. The 3rd person, I tried and tried to get him to meet up with me so that he could help with doing SOME of the work...but he NEVER showed up. My brother, when I told him about this, said, "welcome to college life." If this is what projects are going to be like...I'm going to be likely to kill someone before I graduate.

Other then all that, I wrote a freelance article for our school's paper, which once I can get a hold of one of the editors, or someone in charge of the paper (good luck to me this week) I know...I'm going to give them a printed copy of the article and cross my fingers that they like it. I'm often told that I'm a pretty good writer, I just need to work on proper punctuation. Which this, I'm already aware of...I'm just not very good at it. It's often my weakness on papers. It may be my failure to my English final that I had today.

But anyways, I have my Study Skills final tomorrow, which is the class I have the presentation for, and it's open book. Then I have my Psych final, which all I have to do is show up...the down fall is instead of 6-8p it's 7-9p and then I have an 8am Math Final the next day...Oi! All I know is that come Thursday, I'M SLEEPING IN!!! Don't care if...well, I do care if someone dies and if my apartment catches fire...other than that....I DON'T CARE!!!

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

Sick vs. Sleepy???

Today's been a weird day. I woke up at around 6:30a, which is the normal time I'm up to try to help RJ with getting Bug pulled together for school. Though lately she's been gradually becoming more and more independent. Which is good, especially through her issues...but then I realized "Damn it's the weekend" and fell back asleep. Next thing I knew my stupid alarm on my phone went off, which I about threw across the room, next thought was the cost of my phone...so I turned it off and fell back asleep. Then at about 9:30a there was a knock on the door...I rolled over to RJ and told him to please answer it...behold, was the fact that we forgot that we signed up to get free breakfast today (cinnamon rolls and drinks)...so we ate together, because of coarse Bug was awake. Shortly after eating I told RJ I was going to rest a bit before going to church. He then woke me up (at what time I've not a clue) and looked at me and told me that I looked like I was in no condition to leave the house. So, I fell back asleep. Needless to say I ended up sleeping all day. I didn't finally get up until almost about 6:30p. I was going to go to a Purim (sp?) event tonight and didn't go...and I REALLY REALLY wanted go...I'm SO bummed I couldn't go. In fact I think this is the LONGEST I've been awake all day...and all I want is to go back to sleep.

One thing good that happened to me today...one of the short moments I was coherent to the world, I heard RJ say something and before I got mad at him (don't remember what I thought he said) but I stopped before getting mad and asked him to repeat himself, and then told him what I thought he said and we both kinda' laughed about it. I told him how glad I was that I asked him b/c I was going to get mad at him...I'm starting to learn not to always believe what I hear or see. Which I'm glad I'm finally learning this.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

And I Thought She Was Nuts Before...

And I though my mother was crazy when I was growing up....yesterday and today's conversation with her have just blown me away. Yesterday she offered to fly Bug and I out there to move out there, but just the two of us. She had also offered to help get me established with the Community College out there to finish my base courses and then help me to get into a University. She had also mentioned that she knew about my change in my FB status and that she and my step-father were okay with it. Then today during our conversation she tells me that she loves me no matter what...and that she also accepts me for who I am...tell you what, if it weren't for the fact that I was on my cell phone and that I know how much a replacement one would cost...I'd of dropped it. Hell I almost fell to my knees when she said that. In fact I repeated to her what she said just to verify it, because I couldn't believe it for myself. After "coming out" to her at least five times and getting kicked out at one point, she finally is accepting me for me. I'm still in shock! Her and I have battled over years over different things and the center of it has always, really, been her learning to accept me. I can't remember if it was yesterday or today, but she also offered to help pay for the divorce b/t RJ and I. The problem I'm having with this whole situation if Bug and RJ's connection with each other, and I know that if we do get a divorce RJ would not move down to LA because he has made it quite clear (the several times I've asked him if we could move there) that he doesn't like LA at all. I like it up here, because of the fact that I actually get to see the change in the weather, I've managed to establish (a few) friends that won't let me push them away because they understand me....it's just a really hard decision to have to make. RJ and I have already agreed that we were going to get a divorce when we both can manage on our own (aka finish college) but by then Bug will be a teenager and I'm not sure I can handle living with him that long. I've mentioned the idea of having an open relationship (with the boundary of no one brings a date home with them)...and he still hasn't responded to it, which I don't think he will. I want to get the back bedroom set up so that it's a bedroom not a storage area, so that we can put a bed in there and one of us gets the room and the other gets the pullout couch....but he doesn't seem to enthusiastic about that either. I don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to solve this situation for me, but I wish I had someone to talk to and help work it out to figure things out. Every time I try to talk to RJ about any of it he either ignores me or changes the subject.

Any how...I've got finals next week...woohoo (non enthusiasm intended). After that I have about a week and a half off...then a few weeks later Bug has her spring break, which I have yet to figure out what I'm going to do with her...oi!

Anyhow...off to bed...this week has worn me out.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

BULL SHIT!!!

Everyone keeps telling me "God will provide"...well, where the heck is He when my family needs Him the most? I don't think I will be able to continue school this quarter or next or even at all. I can't come up with the money, even if I do sell our X-Box and all the games we have...it wouldn't be enough to keep me in school next quarter. I'm sick of this. And the only person that reads this, I know won't respond or call...because he's already been told to "quit enabling me"...so I don't even know why I even write on this stupid blog...it's like I'm just talking to my self....oh well....

"God will provide"....YEAH RIGHT!!!

Hopeful Happiness???

I've notice that if I'm not inadvertently trying to push people away, I'm trying to do everything possible to appease them...I wish I could find an equal balance between the two. Because I'm starting to not like either. I try so hard to make RJ happy...to the point of having sex with him when I know I can't handle it. When we do, I either go to the back of my mind as quick as I can, imagine him as one of my ex's, or end up having a flashback (which in the end hurts him). But either way it mentally hurts me, after wards I end up taking a bath in water as hot as I can handle (which tonight it was straight hot water and literally scrubbing myself down with a scrub brush. I don't know what it is, but afterwards I feel so...physically dirty. I don't know why, I wish I did. I wish I could make him happy without hurting him or myself. I wish I were normal. I know I'm likely not the only person that goes through something like this, but it often feels like I am.

On top of that I'm ashamed of myself, I managed to go four days without cutting myself, and tonight I broke my goal of a week. I cut myself more than "normal." Normally I only do four to six lines on my wrist, just to snap me back into reality...this time I did six on on wrist and six on the other. I'm not sure why I did it...I just did. The problem is, one of 'em is bleeding more then normal. I put a gauze over it with a bracelet to keep it in place, hopefully it'll stop soon.

Today has just been a rough day. I just want to curl up in a deep dark hole and never come out. I would say that no one understands how I feel, but I know that my brother understands a lot of how I feel. I'm scared of myself. I know that I probably should call one of those hoakey call center lines...but I don't like 'em nor do I trust them. Right now, like my brother's told me time and time again, I'm going to take it one day at a time. Hopefully tomorrow's a better day...


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

Not Crazy...yet?

I know that I'm not going completely crazy, but I am discovering the importance of taking my medication on a regular basis (I hear my bro's voice going "I told you so" or something to that effect..." in the back of my head. This past few days have been rather rough. I got in touch with my math teacher and he's going to switch me to the two quarter pace vs. what I was on (the one quarter pace) which will likely bring my grade up to a mid to high "B" possibly (hoping) a low "A" which would make me totally stoked. I've spent most of today working on homework so that I can try to get all "A's" in all if not majority of my classes. I think it's be a miracle for me to get all "A's" in my classes this quarter, but we'll see how it goes. Even though I don't like my life being "run" by medication...I've noticed that if I don't take them on a REGULAR basis then I'm not the only one that suffers...my family that I love and care about and that love and care about me suffer as well. It's hard to learn to be "me" because I've never been allowed to be "me"...I grew up always being told what to do and how to do it...now I'm being forced to make my own decisions. Which is not an easy thing to do. I'm starting to learn things that I should have learned when I was a teenager...and I'm thirty. It's scary. I'm not going to lie...I'm scared of this. I'm scared of being myself and inadvertently pushing everyone away from me that I love and care about. The past week or two have been emotionally rough...last week I had to walk out of two classes because I was crying for no apparent reason. The week before was worse...I don't know what to expect this coming week. I've already had to hold back tears in front of my bro yesterday...I felt foolish, because it was for no given reason. I'm so scared of loosing everyone around me. Even though I'm used to people coming and going through my life, this time I want it to be different...but I don't know how. I'm going to take my brother's suggestion and start the self talk again...from there I'm clueless as what to do from there...

but for now....

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

I want OUT!!!

Let's make this very clear....I HATE MATH!!! I'm not sure I'm going to pass this stupid fucking class...I'm going to end up having to take this stupid class again next quarter, which means I'm going to have to choose one of my classes that I'm actually looking forward to taking next quarter and drop it just so I can take this stupid class all over again and fail it again. I hate this! I'm not even sure why I chose to waste money to return to school. I think I'd be better off not here at all. I doubt anyone would notice me gone or care. I hate this. The only classes I'm actually passing are 2 classes that the teachers don't even go by the book and 1 class that is like taking a high school class all over again. All of which I'm convinced they're just passing me either to get me out of their class or because they feel sorry for me. Either way...this SUCKS!!! I have to go to medical once a week to pick up one of my meds in which I don't even take regularly, because I'm sick and tired of medication running my life....I want to be the one running my life. NOTHING and NO ONE else!!! RJ keeps getting ticked at me because I borrow his clothes...it's not like they can't get washed or anything. I've explained to him countless times that 95% of the clothes that I own I hate. Part of the problem is the fact that he hates who/what I am. NOT like I chose to be a lesbian....NOT like I chose the torment that I went through during High School or in the Navy. I'm trying to accept myself for ME, he makes it SO hard most days....most of the time I don't even think he notices me. I'm sure that if I weren't here anymore he wouldn't notice. I'm not even sure my own daughter would notice I'm gone....I'm not sure who/if anyone would notice me being gone. I have to put on this "happy-go-lucky" mask everyday, just so people don't see how miserable I REALLY am. My family (parents) wouldn't even miss me. The only reason my mother (the incubator) calls me is to talk to Bug...and my father (the sperm donor) doesn't hardly call, so I'm sure I don't matter to him. Financially, I'm worth nothing...so a will wouldn't be necessary, RJ would automatically get custody of Bug....so I'm not sure why I even stick around anymore. We were talking about divorce, but nether of us can afford to pay for it or to live on our own....hell we're barely making it by right now. We're going to run out of money in about 2 weeks...we had to borrow money to keep our cell phones turned on, how we're going to pay that back I have no clue. My brother keeps telling me to trust in God...I'm having trouble even doing that...I don't know anymore. All I know is.....

I just want out!!!