Total Darkness/Emptiness

Total Darkness

I hate this place
in life I'm at
It's dark and dreary
Oh so lonely
No one understands me
No on cares
It's dark
I'm lonely
Wish I could hide
There's no place to go
No place to hide
Everyone stares
Like I'm different
Or strange
I'm just the same
I'm flesh and bone
Blood and veins
Feelings too
It's so dark
Alone by myself

Here...

...In total darkness



Emptiness

This emptiness I feel
It's like a painful burning hole
Like I'm without love
Like I'm without a soul
This pain that I feel
I wish it would end
It's like I'm missing
When will it end
This loneliness that I am
When will it go
Who will know...

Uncertainty

We all go through life knowing that the world is full of uncertainties. As children these uncertainties are greater, because we are learning about ourselves, the world, and how everything "works out". As we get older we learn and grow and these uncertainties are fewer, because we know more. Though we don't know everything...we know more.

I'm facing one of those uncertain times...I'm at a crossroad of where I'm comfortable at and where I should be heading. I don't want to go where I know I should. I'm supposed to go (hopefully I think) on this trip next week to visit a University campus so that I can get my admissions paperwork started and (maybe) be ready to start classes in either the Spring or Summer quarter...now my problem is, is that I know this is something I SHOULD to, but I'm scared. I'm not one to go out of my comfort zone THAT much. Just making the trip to visit the campus has got my nerves rattled...I haven't bought the train tickets yet for my daughter and I to make the trip out there, mostly because T and I (mostly T is) are working on the logistics of this visit...but my husband keeps asking if I've purchased the tickets, he's afraid if I put it off much longer I won't buy the ticket and I won't make the trip....maybe he's right, who knows. I won't say that I haven't done something similar in the past....I'm just...scared. I've been out of school for going on 12 years now. I'm not saying I'm stupid,, all I'm saying is what if I don't know or understand the information being taught....I'll just be setting myself up for failure. I've got hardly any support. I've tried telling my family the "good news" about me going back to school...and they didn't seem to care at all. Their response was nonchalant as if I were just telling them who the new elected president was/is. At times I think the only reason my family keeps in touch with me is because my daughter is their ONLY grand-child...there are times that all I'm looking for is a few words of encouragement, and I can't even managed to get that...let alone an "I love you" out of them. Times are uncertain...I don't know which way is up or down; left or right...all I know is I'm comfortable where I'm at...and I guess that's ok, because I know what to expect...


....nothing....

Alphabet List of Feelings

So, I was talking online with my friend "T" and he gave me "homework" again...I'm thinking he has a thing for lists...so my "homework" for tonight is...

"one word, each line. an acrostic with a feeling for every letter in the alphabet. It doesn't have to be at the start of the word, so you don't get off easy not putting anything down for X. In providing the one word, go with the strongest emotion for that letter, whether good or bad."

So, here goes nothing...

Abandoned
Betrayed
aCcosted
Desolate
abusEd
Furious
extinGuished
encrocHed
Indignant
Jaded
stricKen
vioLated
Moronic
Naive
ridiculOus
disPlaced
piQued
Reluctant
pesSimistic
batTered
Useless
unloVed
Witless
veXed
Yowl
craZy

Why?

I'm often told that I'm naive or obtuse. I'm not sure if that's true or not, though I often feel it is...all I know is that in my years of being brought up by my parent(s) and grandparents...I was always told not to question adults or those who are more knowledgeable than you are. So, that's how I've lived my life out thus far. So, why is it that I always feel so ignorant? Why is it that I'm now 30 years old, not a day of college "under my belt"...I'm married to someone who proposed by telling me, "I'm going to marry you one day" never a real proposal...yet my response? "Okay." I've never been one to be able to say "no" to anyone. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. Once, most, people find this out they take advantage of it...and I know (some of the time) that, that's what they're doing, but I feel...powerless. The times that I have said "no"...the person either didn't listen to me and I went with whatever it was that they wanted in the first place...or they didn't listen and...well, I ended up getting hurt.

Why is it that when I know that what I want to do is for my own good...I still end up not doing it, because I'm too scared or someone tells me that it's not a good idea?

Why is it that when someone sees a sad movie and cries? Yet I watch the same movie and feel nothing?

Why is it that all these years of being told that I need to learn to stand up for myself, I still can't? Not to my mother, not to my husband, not even to a total stranger...???

Why is it that in order for me to write about how I really feel, I can't look at what I'm doing...I have to type with my eyes shut?

Why is it that most of these posts that I've been writing will likely never be read by myself? Is it because I'm too afraid of my TRUE feelings?


Why???

Unsent Letter

Dear ___

While I was growing up, learning what it meant not only to be human but to be a young woman person you were never there when I needed you. You saw the signs, but you ignored them. The signs were there that "something wasn't right", that something was going on...but the signs went ignored. You were supposed to be there to protect me, but you were always "too busy". When I begged for your attention, you turned the other way. When I acted out, I got into trouble. When I asked for your help, you said "not now". I did everything you wanted, I tried my best...but it was never good enough. When I tried harder, it still wasn't enough. As I grew older and the signs appeared, yet again, you weren't there. Again, I acted out...just for five minutes of attention. I hid in my room...alone...and cried. I cried for the childhood that I lost, the parent I never really knew, the "savior" I couldn't find...I cried, because I was alone. I should not have been alone. I should have had your shoulder to lean on. Your strength to protect me. Your love to sooth my pain. Yet I had nothing.
Then graduation came...off to explore things that I had only read about. Again...I had no one to protect me, no shoulder to lean on...no knowledge of what to do...I learn, people hurt people and they don't care. People who hurt others do it AND get away with it...because NO ONE cares. Then I meet one, one person who seems to care. We come together and become one. He cares, but he shows me (like others) he hurts...he says "sorry", like the ones before...but does he mean it? Time will tell. Only time can tell...
I am now an adult with a daughter of my own. I'm here for her, and she knows I always will be. I tell her every day that I love her. I tell her every day that I'm here for her no matter what. I tell her that no matter what, she can tell me anything. I'm her strength, her shoulder to cry on, I'm her protector...I'm here for her no matter what, unlike you were for me. I'm about to take a "leap of faith" out of my comfort zone and instead of words of inspiration, words of encouragement...I get put down questioned why I'm even trying "this late in the game"???? Well, at least I'm trying. Through my highest of ups and lowest of downs...that's all I've ever done, try. I've always tried to prove myself to you. Now, I'm proving myself to ME...if you don't like it, then just leave me be...leave my husband, my daughter and I alone. If you don't like how I'm running my life then here's how it's going to be...you don't have to like it, it's MY life now. I'm taking over it and how I do things. I'm getting things "fixed" that were "broken" because you weren't there to protect me...when I was most vulnerable. You put YOU first...

Now it's MY turn to take care of ME.



-Your Daughter Son

Guillotine

As if life wasn't already chaotic...it just gets crazier and crazier....

So, now I'm looking at going back to school. I'm hoping I'm not setting myself up for failure. I'm so nervous about visiting the campus next week...I can physically imagine what a person waiting in line to get their head cut off by a guillotine would be feeling. That's how nervous I am right now. I know I shouldn't be nervous, because it is just a campus visit...but I've been out of school for almost 12 years now...and now I'm going for a 7-8 year degree...WHAT AM I NUTS?!?!?

Honestly, I couldn't even begin to answer that question...maybe I am...



Last night I slept ok...still had the same flashbacks, but at least it's just the two...two I can handle working through...I wish I knew for sure if I had medical or not...kinda stinks not knowing. I just wish it WERE possible to work through all this on my own...but I know it's not. One can not fix his/herself without the assistance of outside help. Annoying as it may be, it's true.

" T's God loves me, and I am important to Him. I am only responsible for my problems."

Survival

Yeah, my choice of titles are a little on the weird side and I usually don't stick to it...but anywho, here goes...

This morning I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone, which my actions may seem a little unorthodox as to the boundaries of my comfort zone...I went to church with a friend of my daughter's and her family. I've been to church before don't get me wrong...but I've never really been able to sit through an entire church service in several years. Today I made myself sit through the entire service...I did so the only way I knew how, I sat not only close enough to where if I got up everyone would see me getting up and leaving (which I usually just sit as far to the back as possible) but I also sat in the middle of the row, boxing myself in, so that I couldn't easily get up to leave. Now I'm not going to say I didn't make it through the service without having an anxiety attack/flashback (because if I said that I'd be lying)...but I managed through it, at one point I know I went into the back of my mind to my "safe spot"...the only reason I know I did this is because one moment the pastor was talking about one thing and the next he was talking about something completely different. But, what matters is...I sat through the entire thing. I felt odd though, even going to church...with my past and who I am and not knowing what I believe. But the upside to all this is, I "survived"...I made it through the church service without getting up and leaving. Now...to work through the memories that prevented me from sitting through a service.

" T's God loves me, and I am important to Him. "
(even though days I don't feel that way)

Sleep...

I finally got some sleep, decent sleep last night. It wasn't dreamless sleep, but non-the-less it was sleep...which is something I desperately needed. I only had one flashback/dream that I can recall and I was able to get myself out of that dream by reverting to going to my "safe place". Which I haven't been able to do, while asleep, in a while...I'm glad that I was able to because if I'd of gone through the flashback in it's entirety I'm not sure how much sleep I'd of actually gotten. 7-8 hours of sleep....ahhh....forgot how good it feels to be completely rested...I know that there are times that I can run off of 4 hours of sleep or less...but to do it for almost an entire month solid...I was starting to have hallucinations. Not good!

Any how...

Something I was thinking about over the past few days, going back to school. It's something I've been putting off for some time now. I think that I've put it off for long enough. My one thing that I want to do first is, get my personal issues dealt with first...I need to get my personal "demons" in check before I try to sit through a class. Second, I need to decide what I want to major in....right now I know a few things that I would be good at. But there's a difference in what I'm good at and what I want to do for the rest of my life...decisions, decisions...

"T's God loves me, and I am important to Him."
(day 7)

Ack!!!

Ok...so my "assignment" last night was:

"Assignment: this is a holiday. Take a break from your problems, and when they come and try to enter your mind, do something mindless and ignore them. This is difficult, but try."

I wish I could say I was successful on this, but I wasn't. I'm now running on about 2 1/2 hours of sleep (at most)...I caught a few "cat naps" here and there...the longest I was asleep was about an hour-an hour and a half. Even in that little bit of time, my mind seems to be against me. I still managed to dream. I know that dreams are the mind's way of working out issues that the mind either can't work out on it's own during the waking hours (or in my case stuff that I keep refusing to deal with).

*Step 1 to dealing with any problem: Admission of a problem. Admitting that there is a problem and that you know it needs to be dealt with.
*Step 2: Admission of needing help. Admitting that you need help with dealing with the problem. Admitting that you can't do it on your own.
*Step 3: Getting/Reaching Out For Help. Self Explanatory.

I'm willing to admit that I can't deal with this on my own. I've (to this point) tried to deal with this as much on my own as possible...and it's just not possible. As hard as this is for me to admit...I need help. I love my friend, T...who has been such a wonderful friend and basically reminding me everyday that I'm not going crazy and reminding me of stuff I already know, but (obviously) need reminder of.

The odd thing is, I'm usually the person that my friends an neighbors (that I talk to) go to when they need help...and now I'm the one needing help. Now it's my relationship that needs help...I just got done working with one of my neighbors over their marriage...how screwy is this???

"T's God loves me, and I am important to Him"

My Safe Place

So, whenever I refer to my safe place that I "go" to in the back of my mind...this is a picture of what I see as far as where I "go".

Sleep?

I think I fell asleep last night...I definitely lost consciousness...within an hour or so of my last post, because next thing I knew my alarm was going off (that's set for 5:30am)...

I wish I could say it was a dreamless sleep...if it were dreamless, I would have been able to go back to sleep. It was the same as the night before, except this time my arms and wrists hurt SO much I couldn't move them...I couldn't move at all. I was in so much physical pain. I would rather be (I dare say) dead right now vs. dealing with that flashback again. I'm not sure my mind or body can take it anymore either. I'm going to try to stay as relaxed as possible today and I'll deal with it...later...I just have to try to keep it pushed back in the back of my mind as long as possible.

I got invited to one of the other parent's from my daughter's GS troop's house for Thanksgiving and well...I just have to try to stay as relaxed as possible...I don't do well with crowds...and I have no clue how many people will be there. So, this will be interesting...I normally wouldn't put myself in a situation like this...but if I stay locked in my apartment all day...that's not good either.

...I'm taking a step out of my "norm" today...I just hope I survive it...

What I'm Thankful For...

Ok, so in light of Thanksgiving...and because I'm being told to (in hopes I'll sleep tonight).

I'm Thankful For:

*My daughter
*My husband
*My crazy friends (yes, T I mean you)
*Being alive
*My health
* my daughter's health
*my husband's health
*my crazy friends' health
*My sanity (knowing I'm not crazy)
*My pets
*My apartment
*My mom
*My sister
*My step-dad
*My dad
*My step-mom
*my ability to draw
*my ability to write (poetry and short stories)
*my mind
*spell check
*computers
*internet
*a higher power (T-God)
*animals
*bugs
*the rain
*snow
*the sun
*the earth
*my husband's job
*that T hasn't ignored me on FB....yet.
*knowing at least someone will read this silly list
*my daughter's therapists
*my daughter's counselor
*that I don't look 30...yet.
*youtube
*FB
*my neighbors
*dreamless sleep
*my daughter
*my husband
*my crazy friends (yes T I mean you)
*being alive
*my health
*my sainity
*sleep

Never Fails to Amaze Me...

My loving daughter never fails to amaze me...until today.

Normally she's one kid at home and another at therapy. She's never even begun to show her true colors at therapy....that is, until today. She had a (mild) rage episode while in therapy. Which her therapist says shows she's becoming comfortable with her (the therapist). She was actually glad to see a mild bit about how she really is. But it at least gave her therapist some insight on how she REALLY is at home. (I think) I handled it quite well...I held her hands against her body and reminded her to take a deep breath and calm down. I told her that she needed to calm down. It took only a few minutes (this time) for her to calm down. We got her to sit and play Uno while her therapist and I talked and watched how she did...which she stayed relatively calm for the remainder of the session, which was the calmest she had been in a few days...which was nice to see her relax. Her therapist recommended that I let her relax for the remainder of the day...which is what I've been letting her do. She's been pretty much laying on the living room floor watching movies, she attempted to play a video game...only to get mad at it. Thankfully I was in the living room at the time....if I hadn't been, I fear my Xbox remote would have gone through the tv screen. I got her to calm down and we agreed that it would be a good idea to give the game a break and maybe do something else. Other than that the only talking her and I have done is me asking if spaghetti would be ok for dinner and her glaring at me saying "No red sauce!" that and her telling me that she just wants to be left alone. She's did eat two bowls of pasta, which is what she's been begging me for all week.

Her therapist and I are tracking my daughter's mood so that when she gets re-evaluated (hopefully next month) so that we have that much more information for the evaluation. We've already charted family medical history.

It's weird me taking my daughter to therapy and me needing to go to therapy as well. I studied therapy in H.S and was given the "study test" that most college students take before they take the test to "test out of" Psych 101 when I was in my senior year of high school...only to be told that I would easily pass the test. Apparently according to my Psychology teacher, I was his only student in several years that picked up on the information as quick as I did and took the class seriously. I know "what's wrong" and "how to fix it" but when it's yourself that your having to "fix" or your own family...it's completely different. Even with the extended knowledge I have...there are times I look at my daughter and ask myself, "is this behavior because of the ADHD, Aspergers, or something else...or is it because she's just being a kid?" It's hard to step back and have an optimistic point of view. I guess that's why I have her in therapy. That and even though I know a lot of the answers, I'll admit...I don't have them all. I won't ever have all of the answers.

I love my daughter...her actions and what she says...never fails to amaze me, until today...

Can't Sleep Anymore...

I wish I could say that I had another night of dreamless sleep...Trust Me I wish I could say that...I'm just glad I got that one night of dreamless sleep...

Last night was...disturbing. I got startled awake, because I would have sworn that I heard felt someone in my apartment. I searched the apartment, checked the windows and doors...made sure there was no one was or had been in my apartment. I'm not sure (at that point in time) what made me think that someone was in my apartment...but it took me a bit to fall back asleep. Finally fell asleep passed out from being tired...only to feel like someone else was here in the apartment (other than my daughter and dog), but this time I can't wake up. Then who or whatever goes from just being in my apartment to next to me, then I felt a hand against my cheek...it was gentle, so I assumed I was just dreaming of my husband. Then the hand went from my cheek to my hand...next thing I knew I wasn't in my apartment any more and I was being held down. There was one person holding my hands down, someone else holding my mouth open, one pouring liquid in my mouth and another was on top of me. All of them laughing...I can hear them all laughing and cracking jokes about "How do you turn a 'faggot' straight?" The one on me tries to kiss me and I turn my head only to get forced to keep my head still...he sticks his tongue down my throat kissing me. I taste the alcohol and pot on his breath...the mix of the two make me gag. He sits up on me and I can hear the zipper of his pants...then the hands that were holding my mouth open before, pull my mouth open again and then I hear a voice whisper "You bite me I'll cut you up like a fish." Right then he stuck his penis in my mouth...the more I gaged the more the voices laughed...then one was in me...he pushed harder and harder in me with each stroke...if I blacked out I was awoken with a hard slap across the face. They took turns one or two holding me down and one in me. I don't know how many there were. I don't remember where I was all I know is what I could feel and hear. It seemed to go on for hours...and then I blacked out.......
and my alarm woke me up (I've been keeping it set for b/t 5:30 and 6 am just in case I can't wake myself from a nightmare/flashback)...most mornings I will go back to sleep after my alarm wakes me, but not today...after last night, I'm not sure I'm going to get any sleep...I...can't take this flashback a fourth night in a row....let alone any others that may decide to pop up while I'm sleeping...I know that REM sleep is the dream state of sleep where your mind processes things that it can't during the day, but I'm not sure that I want my mind to process any of this any more...I'm just starting to "come to terms" with accepting myself as I am...now my mind is bringing back some of the memories that tore me apart in the first freakin' place...

I've finally accepted the fact after being dx'd 9 years ago with bipolar that "hell the doctors weren't crazy or just trying to fill me with meds..." I took the meds that they prescribed me, mostly because it helped with being able to "feel" something when I was having flashbacks...because I had also been dx'd with PTSD (that dx I was willing to believe)....

But for now...no sleep=no dreams/flashbacks

Today 11/22/11

Ok, so today was psychotically busy...from 12noon on I was literally go, go, go....which is a good thing, because it doesn't give me time to stop and think about anything. But it's also rough because I don't have time to remember simple things...like my vitamins (whoops) and eating (which apparently is important too). But on the up side to everything is I did get a chance to talk to the other leader of my daughter's G.S troop and tell her because of me working through some personal things and having to try to get my stress level, among other things, in check that I won't be at both meetings every month...but my daughter will. I'm thankful she's SUPER understanding. I did promise I'd be as active this year as I was last with cookie sales (because what parent in their right mind is going to do it). It gives me a few months to get things squared away. One of the other moms offered to, after the parade next weekend, take my daughter for the evening/night and let her sleepover with her daughter (they're REALLY good friends) and then pick me up for church the next day...which will be cool, because I've not had a break from her in so long. She also invited us to church this coming weekend...which makes me nervous because of my panic/anxiety attacks. But I've got a few days to figure out what I'm going to do...

Then earlier today I went to the foodbank to get some stuff to help hold us over until next month...and while I'm waiting this kid (yes I'm calling him a kid), who can't be but maybe 17-18...maybe 19 years old come up to me (with his father right next to him) and ask me what school I go to and try to start flirting with me...needless to say when I told him how old he was a gust of wind could have knocked him over judging by the look on his face...I don't think him or his father expected me to say that I'm 30....but it was kind of creepy. Other than the location...the fact that some of my husband's friend have kids that are about this boy's age...eeeewwwwww....and then the dad started to "look me over" and his wife's not even 20 feet away! Really creepy. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. The gals that work there have always kinda' picked on me because I don't look my age (I've always had people tell me that)...but never had someone try to say I look like a teenager (still).

Emotionally wise, today's been a bit better. I'm more willing to go outside and talk to people. I've been forcing myself to go and talk to at least one neighbor for 10 minutes each day...that way I don't stay hidden and locked in my apartment all day long....cause then I'm able to let my mind wonder and think and well...not always a good thing. Especially right now. So, it's just a matter of keeping myself busy and mentally occupied.

I'm more like a single mom than I am a married person with a child...
Oddly enough...I'm ok with that....

random rambling...

Well, hell...this is the first time I've started with not being sure where to start...

Let's see...managed to eventually fall asleep, though I'm not sure what time it was because the last time I had looked at a clock it was after 1 am and I was still up for quite some time after that. I woke up from pretty much the same flashback as the night before, which is unusual...I don't usually have the same "dream"(flashback) two nights in a row. I eventually fell back asleep and (here's the REALLY weird part), it was as though my mind hit the "pause" button when I woke up and then hit "play" when I fell back asleep...it all continued. I tried to go further into my mind to my "safe spot" but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get there. The only thing that woke me was the fact that my mom (thank goodness) called me at an odd time of morning...I don't know why, but my phone going off wakes me...usually nothing will wake me once a flashback starts (short of dumping ice cold water on me). I don't like these flashbacks. I woke up and my wrists and ankles still hurt (as though what happened in my "dream" really did just happen). I've gotten into the habit of writing before I get this feeling off of me, because I remember more and I'm able to get more out...

I'm now understanding why I go into (my old therapist would call them "panic attacks") almost every time I go into a church. It's because of that one memory. I really wish I could work past it, because I shouldn't feel that way...not in a church. I don't know how to explain it to people that have invited me to church and I've accepted only to have to walk out 1/2 through because I can't handle it...what am I supposed to say? "Sorry, I can't go to church with you because I get panic attacks stepping foot into a church." yeah I see that going over well (lead balloon).

This other half of the "dream"...I can't exactly make out all the details, but it almost sounds like the graduation party (from the details that are coming up in my "dream") from when I graduated ATD school (USN thing). But I don't remember much from that party. I remember being there, but it was one of those instances that I went and hung out with the people I knew and then....well, next thing I knew I woke up in my dorm room the next morning. I figured that I had gotten so tired that I didn't remember anything else (the party was pretty late)...But, one detail I remember that sticks out is the feeling of what I was being held down on...it wasn't a bed, beds are soft and this was hard...the only hard surface (other then the obvious kitchen table and coffee table) that I remember was the pool table that was in the basement, but no one went down there...that's the odd thing...I don't remember me or anyone going down there. I don't remember being alone with any one or small group of guys...

Why is it that I continuously put myself into these types of situations??? Am I really that daft? Seriously??? I went through shit when I was younger...then again in HS...by this point in time shouldn't I have learned something?!?!?

...before I went to bed I drew a picture (suggested by T) of my "safe spot"...but then I got ticked because my daughter that I love has hidden the box (we have a pencil box) of colored pencils...issue will be dealt with when she wakes up.. so, since I couldn't finish the picture and my mind was still doing 90->nothing and it wasn't slowing down I added music to my play list and I read the first two chapters (again) of a book that was recommended to me (The Bipolar Child), so that I can better understand my daughter. In the process of reading the first chapter and there was a short part "The Illness In Adults"...to put it point blank, by the time I was done reading that section I was going "Oh my God...the doctors aren't completely crazy...that just described me to a 'T'..." So, I did further research (something I do even if I know the information) and, safe to say I (think I) believe the last few doctors I've seen now. The weird thing is, they all said I had to "come to terms" with knowing I had this "disorder" before therapy would completely help. Any way, I always knew I was depressed (at times) but never saw a problem in it. My husband (on the other hand) would say that there are times talking to me is like "walking on eggshells" and even after talking to my mom this morning she said the same thing...that even growing up she couldn't predict how I would react one moment to the next. She also said that my daughter has a terrible mix of both (mine and my husband's) tempers...considering she's already kicked holes in walls because of her "fits". I love my family and (I think) they love me...

I just wish I could be "normal" and be able to go to church (without "panic attacks") or to hang out with a group of "friends" with out having to stand guard and be afraid...I just want more then anything to be able to FEEL something again...

Sabotage.

I'm sick of this...

So, the night before last I managed to actually get a decent night sleep only to have it to where if I took a nap during the day I'd have some sort of flashback. Then last night I went through pretty much the same routine of trying to clear my mind and focus on just the music that I put on...which in itself takes me a good hour and a half or more to relax, only to have another flashback. The only thing that "saved" me was the fact that for some reason or another my cell phone alarm went off at 5:30am, which thankfully woke me up. So, after being woken up it took me about another hour and a half to two hours (going by when I had last looked at the time and amount of time passage after that) to, yet again, relax and go back to sleep. Only to dream, again! I HATE dreaming right now, because they're never good. This time it was more of a sensory flashback then a full visual flash back. I don't like this though. So, to do the math...

I watched a short movie around 11:30pm and it ended around 1am. I then turned on my playlist that I've started creating on youtube. It took me about an hour and a half to relax and fall asleep. So, I'll say about 2:30am I fell asleep. Alarm went off at about 5:30am. (that puts me at about 3 hours of sleep) Took me from that point about an hour and a half to two hours to relax again and fall back asleep. So, I'll say about 7:15am I fell back asleep. I just woke up and it's about 9:40 am (puts me at another 2 hours and 25 minutes). So total combined amount of sleep for the night: approximately 5 hours and 25 minutes...feels like less...way less.

Now, the disturbing part of the flashbacks...it was one that I usually (even in hypnotherapy) could only recall the smells, sounds, feel of what was going on. The only visual I could ever recall before what my surroundings, never the person. Last night was my first time seeing, feeling, smelling...everything! I trusted him! I can't believe I trusted him with so much! He knew everything I had been through. Him and his girlfriend...Just thinking about this...I want to just...run. My junior year of H.S I had been involved with this youth group and had grown pretty close with the youth pastor and his wife (they had quickly become like a second family to me) by this point...they knew something had been troubling me and they asked me, I told them that I'd have to write it down, so during service that evening I sat in one of the back rows and started writing a bit of what I had been through in my life (what I had remembered) and some of what I was going through in school. I found them shortly after the service ended and they read what I wrote down. They'd recommended some church based counseling for me once a week before service. Which I was ok with, because I needed someone to talk to that I could trust. So the next week they introduced me to this couple Ang&J and said that I'd be meeting with them, J had been through training (through the church) to counsel youth and because of the rule no guys alone in a closed room with a girl his girlfriend joined us (that and they, the couple, wanted me to see what a "normal" couple was like)...since I already kinda' knew Ang I was ok with talking about what I could remember of the past and about the bullying (not the why) at school. They helped me work through the anger of what happened (only for me to learn how to bottle everything up) and then we started working on my being bullied at school....some of what they said was decent advice, the rest was "biblical mumbo jumbo" that (at the time) I didn't agree with (to this day I don't know if I do). Any how...he knew everything...they knew who I really was (which became apparent)...I trusted him!!!

The second flashback was one I thought I had blocked when it first came up almost 10 years ago in hypnotherapy...
(I'm writing this as I recall it from last night)

I was being held down, there's more than one person, lots of music. I smell smoke, but it's not just cigarettes...beer (yuck!) I smell it. Vodka, rum, something else but I'm not sure I can taste them...they're pouring them in my mouth. I try to spit them out because I know I've already had enough. Two drink never made me feel woozy like this before...maybe I had more, but I could swear I was counting. They're touch is rough...wait a minute where are my clothes?!?!? I want to scream but I can't. I want to tell them "No!" and that they're hurting me but I can't...I can't move! Suddenly something wet is on my face, in my mouth, on me...what are they doing?!?!? One of them is inside of me... "No!" I could swear I yelled it, but they're all laughing. Someone lifts my head and pours liquid down my throat and it all goes black...

I'm thankful for my dog. He's the only reason I managed to wake up from that one...all because he had to go out...

My mind and body are sabotaging me...
and I don't know what to do...

Now What?

Ok, so I did manage to get more than my "normal" 3-4 hours of sleep last night without dreaming...which is what I wanted. But I now am having more of a rush of emotions during the waking day. I've been out of therapy for at least 4 years (solid therapy for closer to 7 years now) so remembering what I learned, coping skills and all, is hard...I try to remember, but without my journals that I kept all my notes in all I can remember is to journal daily (or as needed for those times that I've got more going on during the day) and the "safety rules" for when I'm in a "low": 1-no drinking 2-no sharps 3-no pills w/o dr's ok first.

I have decided to "go out on a limb" so to speak...and trust my husband's friend T...so far he's the only one that has (to my knowledge) read any of these entries...which I've become ok with. It's just the matter of trusting someone that's the hard part, I don't know if I can take getting hurt by anyone again. I got a FB message the other day from someone that I went to school with it was one of those online quizes but this one was "How Stupid Are You?" with the message of "Take this and see how dumb you REALLY have been this whole time!" Needless to say, I trusted that person...even though they were an ass to me in H.S they had messaged me to friend them with a lengthy "I'm sorry for what I did to you in H.S"....maybe I REALLY am that naive.

To top all matters off...I think I'm ruining my relationship with my husband...bad enough he filed for divorce once (about 4 years ago) and I barely was able to convince him not to (maybe I should have just let him...then things wouldn't be the way they are b/t us)...I know that things are a bit rocky for us, but what "normal" relationship doesn't have it's ups and downs? Ok, ok...so our relationship doesn't fall under "normal"...but we try. I'm working on being able to not have flash backs every time we try to be intimate with each other, I can at least now (most of the time) stand him touching me and the sound of his voice without getting a lurchy (yeah not a real word) in the pit of my stomach. It's just...he doesn't understand, nor does he try to...he says he does but whenever I try to explain how I'm feeling...it's like talking to a brick wall (and yes I've told him this too)...but for crying out loud!!! We've been together for going on 11 years and I can honestly say we're still as far apart from each other as we were when we first met. We've been to couple's therapy on 3 different occasions...and I'm starting to believe most of them...it's my fault we're not closer. At first I thought the therapist was just being a dick but then to be told that by two other therapists...well, the last one said I need to stop trying so hard and that I shouldn't get on his case so much because he does work all day he should just be able to go home and relax and that I should be the one worrying about all the cooking and cleaning and the kid not him....I told her where she could stick her ideas. She was a bitch. And yet my husband liked her the most. Don't know if it's because she, like all the others, took his side or the fact that he had no clue what she said to me when he wasn't in the room....I don't know...I'm trying to keep things together, not only with him but with me...and I feel like I'm at the point of "sink or swim" "flight or fight" and right now I don't know what to do. Everyone always asks me "well, do you love him?" and there's a difference that most people don't realize...you can "love" someone and not be "in love" with them and I couldn't even answer either.

I'm weak...

Finally...Some Sleep.

Well, after talking on FB with a friend of my husband's, T...I had gotten some suggestions on relaxing my mind enough to fall asleep. As his suggestions were really good...I revised it a little. I found a youtube play list that was pretty much all nature sounds and classical music, with that playing I would focus on just one sound or just one instrument that was playing and before long I was out. Now it did take me about two hours to get my mind to slow down and relax...but I think I got about 5-8 hours of sleep (after adding up all the time because I did wake up several times). But I got sleep...not only that....I didn't dream either! Which is what I needed...sleep without dream. Now I know that by not going into REM sleep that my body (probably) didn't get fully rested.

Now all I can hope for is that I can get to sleep the same way tonight.

Can't Sleep

"As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." That's the bedtime prayer I grew up saying before I go to bed for as long as I could remember.

Now it's more along the lines of "Please Lord, let me make it through the night without a dream...without a memory flash back. Just please Lord let me make it through this night without feeling like I'm crazy."

With that prayer, most nights I get only 3-4 hours of sleep...which is just enough to survive, and just little enough not to go into REM sleep (which is when you hit the dream state)...but that's only most nights. There are those few nights that I fall asleep earlier than expected and before I know it, the flood gates are opened...it's anything from flashes of memories to full memories...I feel his hands on me, in me...I can smell his filth, his sweat...I can hear his voice whispering threats of physical pain and even death...I want to wake up but I can't....I want to hide but this time I can't...my mind and body are against me, they make me re-live it all. I'm forced to re-live whatever twisted memory my mind and body decide I have to re-live; I feel, smell, hear (sometimes) the entire event. The only thing that makes things "feel normal" again is once I wake up I take a hot shower (I set the water as hot as I think I can handle it and then take it a notch hotter) and I scrub the feeling of being filthy off...head to toe I have to be clean...Once done I bottle it all back up, put a smile on my face, and put on my normal show of like is good and nothing is wrong. Thankfully no one has managed to see through my serenade of life being peachy keen...no one's seen through my smiling mask...no one sees the real me.

Night before my birthday, I got a full night's sleep...I hated it. My birthday was supposed to be a "happy" day. But instead it was a hard day. The only thing I could think of is how dirty, how filthy I felt. I got the typical "Happy Birthday" phone calls from family and FB posts from family and friends wishing me a happy birthday. This entire time I was having to wear my mask of everything being okay and nothing was wrong. Right when I got the chance to relax and not have to worry about what mask I wore, my mom called to wish me "Happy Birthday"....it was too hard to hide from her. I finally broke down, I did manage to hide the why I was crying...I told her that it was because I missed her and the rest of my family (plausible excuse considering it's been 2+ years since I'd been down there). I still bottle everything up...and I'll continue to do that, until the bottle starts to over flow and I can't keep it in any longer. When that time comes I'll pull out whatever mask is suiting for the moment and pray that it doesn't "fall off"...

...I fear though that, that time may be coming sooner then expected....

I don't know how, but last night in the 3-4 hours of sleep I got I somehow went into full REM sleep. It was almost the same dream except more intense, I could feel his hand against my chest holding me down...I could feel him on me, inside me...his breathing on me, him telling me how I was a "good girl"....I wanted to wake up and make it all go away....I wanted to scream to make him stop...I wanted to cry because of the pain....but all I could do was lay there.

I need to escape...
I need to run away....
I need to feel...

But I can't.

Where'd this day go?

Now if that title doesn't explain it all....I don't know what would.

Okay, so I woke up at about a quarter to 10 this morning after falling asleep sometime after 6:30am. So, needless to say it was another night of only about 3 hours of sleep. I'm hoping, considering how everything else has been going, that I crash early...because then I'll at least get some sleep. The one MAJOR thing I don't like is the fact that with the sleep comes REM sleep with REM sleep comes dreams...most "normal" people don't think about the fact that when they go into REM sleep that they dream, I'm not "most normal people" and I don't have dreams...I either have partial/full flash backs or I have nightmares. Neither of which I want to or believe I can deal with right now.

Today though was rough. Even with the only 3 hours of sleep I felt pretty much well rested...but I didn't want to get out of bed...so, I didn't. I allowed my dd to have a "free day". I read, attempted to fix the computer tower only to mess it up even more (not unlike most things I touch lately), and according to my dd I slept a good part of the day...which is where the problem lies. I don't recall laying down to go to sleep. I remember working on the computer and then next thing I was on the couch reading something online. I'm trying to think of what happened in between...but I just can't think of anything right now. DD says that I fixed her lunch and colored with her, but I don't remember doing that either. But apparently I didn't do anything self-injurious , that was the first thing I checked for when I realized I "lost" part of my day...and none of the alcohol is missing...so I didn't drink either. So, now it's just dealing with knowing I "lost" part of my day...it's freaking annoying. I've been staying as stress free and anxiety free as possible, because that's what my last therapist said could possibly trigger it...I hate myself for allowing this to happen again. DD says I didn't do or say anything weird, which is good. I checked my internet history and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I just....grrrr X(

I hate when stuff like this happens....
I hate myself...

On top of that, I may have pushed away the one person that I (think) I can openly talk to. I hate when I do that...I don't mean to. I just....I'll start to trust someone and open up to them, and somehow it's always the same question that gets asked that I don't want to admit (not only to myself but others) and I end up pushing people away because of it. I'm so obtuse. My husband even tells me that I need to open up and trust people more...and I'll start to trust them and then it's like some warning signal in my head goes off and yells, "STOP!!!" and the only thing I can do is listen to it. After 14 + years of dealing with different forms of abuse I still can't tell when that "Stop!" is accurate or not...so I just listen to it. I'm such an imbecile...the one time I know I can trust a person, I blow it.

Dovrei morire appena.

My Story

(Maybe I should have started off my blog with this post)

Ok, so as an explanation of who I am. This is a story of me...


When I was about 5 1/2 years old my parents separated. In the divorce my mother got custody of us girls. Growing up we moved quite a bit. For a while we lived in FL and spent quite a bit of time at my grandparents' home. One summer we (my grandparents', sister, and I) made a trip up to PA to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousins for a week or two. During the trip we got to spend time with my cousins' doing typical kid things on the farm...chasing chickens, shooting the goats with the BB gun (yes we shot the goats...seemed like a fun idea, until we got chased), playing in the dirt, playing Barbies and having fun. One day during the trip when I was sleeping next thing I knew my cousin was rubbing my leg and gradually she (yes she) went up my nightgown. She then went further and further up my nightgown, then she started rubbing her hand against me and then her fingers went inside me. I tried to picture myself somewhere else, so that I wouldn't have to be there. I knew if I were any where but there, I was safe. Each day I took a nap or went to bed for the next few days I would imagine myself somewhere else because I knew (even at 7) as long as I was someplace else...I was safe. Three days later I was laying down for a nap I heard the door open and I quickly shut my eyes (in hopes that if she thought I was asleep she'd leave me alone) I felt someone sit on the bed next to me...but it wasn't my cousin, the bed moved to much when the person sat for it to be her...that and this person smelled different. Then the person layed down next to me and started to rub my back...it felt good and I stopped worrying as much. After a few minutes of my back being rubbed the hand moved to my leg, first thought through my head "Please oh please no..." the hand then traveled down my shorts...the hand was rough. It then pulled me over to see who it was...my uncle. From there he stuck his hand down my shorts and started rubbing me and sticking his fingers in me. He then made me rub his penis and he then pulled my shorts down and took his pants off....I then pictured myself someplace else, someplace safe. When I woke he told me that if I told anyone that they wouldn't believe me because they already though I was a liar. He proceeded to tell me how I was better then "Win" (his daughter, my cousin) because I didn't fight him. Throughout our visit there at nap-time I knew what to expect and at bedtime I knew what to expect. I slept in fear during my entire visit (I guess that's when I got used to surviving on minimal sleep). At the end of our visit it became aparent that my cousins were comming back down from PA to FL with us for a visit and their parents would come down towards the end of the summer to get them. For that summer I got no sleep and I learned what sex was (in a weird obscure way). She used everything from her fingers, tampons, wooden spoons, to objects I couldn't tell you because I blacked out...

Now fast foward to middle school....

My grandparents (mom's parents) have both passed away. We're now living in BR, LA. I'm in my first year of middle school (6th grade), it's a new school, new start (first school that my sister didn't go to)...no one knows me. It'll be perfect! Or so I thought. Half way through the year I'm obviously the outcast. So I try to lie low...Ha! What a joke...you lie low, they hunt you down and find you and get shoved into a locker. I went through my entire first year in fear of getting hit, shoved into a locker, or beat up. Because all the stress I was going through I started carving words on my arm, such as "Life Sucks", "Kill Me"...
Year two...not much has changed..Except one of the students that verbally bullied me was suddenly half way nice to me. One thing that was running through my head was "ok what's he up to?" Mid-term, he's asking me to tutor him in math...I figure what the heck. Gave me someone to study with so that I could refresh my memory and it gave me someone I acctually lived near to "hang out" with. Turned out we had a bit in common; we both liked the same music, football, rollerblading, street hockey, and soccer. So in between studying we'd hang out and listen to music or play outside. About two months into me helping him with math he decided that he wanted to study in his room which I was ok with...he did have a desk in there and it was more comfortable. After a few days of this...while we were studying he put his hand on my leg, I told him "no". He then moved his hand up further and I pushed his hand off and told him, "I said no". After that he pushed me over put one hand across my throat reached over my shoulder to his side table and out of the drawer (at first I didn't see what it was)....next thing I knew there was something cold and metalic against my head and his hand was no longer around my neck. I looked over and saw...it was a gun! I then looked up at him in fear, he then said "You don't do what I say I'll kill you....you tell anyone I'll kill you." He then pulled my pants down and pulled his down...the one thought that went through my mind was that safe place where I knew no one could hurt me. When I came to he through a rag at me and told me "get cleaned up, go home." Turns out he tore me...and I was bleeding. I clean myself up and ran home. The run home all I could think of was being told, " tell anyone and they wouldn't believe you because they already think you're a liar...tell anyone and I'll kill you." So when I got home I went to my room changed my clothes, threw the outfit I had been wearing in the garbage (I didn't want to see it anymore. I then stayed in my room until dinner and then barely ate and went to bed. The remainder of my time at that school was hell....some how a rumor was spread that I was "easy"...thirteen and I was already having to deal with adult issues.

Freshman year of HS...same students different surroundings. Issues got bigger. Over the summer prior I had gone through some self discovery...got my first girlfriend. First person I felt I could trust...I mean REALLY trust. And I was in luck...she was going to the same school (I thought). A week before school starts, she moves...turns out she got HIV (not sure how...wasn't me) and her family moved where there were "better doctors". My first heart break. School started and the torment started all over. I went through four lockers the first quarter...from my locker being vandalized...by midterm I gave up even using a locker and I had suffered a total of eight bruised ribs. I switched from carving to just cutting. Even when it was warm I wore long sleves to cover the cutting. Through this I kept intoch with my ex only to find out she was getting worse. By the fourth week of the third semester she had pnemonia (a death sentence). I continued dealing with the bullies only to find out, district lines had been changed...next year I would be going to a different school...most of the bullies would not be going to the school with me. My family offered to send me to private school...but I turned down the offer. I couldn't get into a gifted and talented school because of my skin color (they had to keep race percentages within a certain number). I ended the school year with only a few additional bumps and bruises and 12 additional instances of bruised ribs.

Sophmore year....new school, new beginning? Started off the same. I was the only (or so I thought) non-closeted "fag" (yes I use rude and crude slang against myself). Went through some roughing up and vandalism of my locker...but this time it only lasted a semester. Then I found out...I wasn't alone, finally other students looking out for me. Teachers acctually watching out for me. Wasn't something I was used to...but it allowed me to let my guard down. Finally I could be....me. Went through a rough time still though. I refused to "date" anyone, because I lost my first true love the year before and I was affraid that if I got close to anyone again I would loose them either by death or by moving away. I went from just cutting to drugs and alcohol ontop of it....liquor was easy for me to come by, my family had a full liquor cabinet and I could just change blame my "cousin" (he's acctually my step-dad's grand-son).

Junior year....summer before I started dating this one guy that lived only a few blocks away...It went well, we went out up until the Valentines Day dance. Walking home from the dance we cut through the park, like we always do and decided to sit on the swings because neither of us were ready to go home yet. So we sat and talked...I trusted him because he seemed like the typical "boy next door"...as we were sitting there he got up, to what I assumed push me on the swing (like he had done so many times before)....he pushed me alright, off the swing and onto the ground...he then got ontop of me with a pocket knife against my throat...he had already unzipped his pants and got ontop of me...I went into my head and hid. When I woke up he was cradeling me as though nothing happened. At the time I wasn't sure what had happened...until when he dropped me off at my house he looked at me and told me he was sorry, that he loved me and he didn't mean to hurt me. I stayed mad at him for quite a while. He showered me with flowers, stuffed toys, cards saying "I love you" and "sorry". Eventually I forgave him thinking he really didn't mean it. We had a date night in at his place...his mom had put a tv and dvd player in his room so that we could watch a movie. In the middle of the movie he shut his room door (I didn't notice that he had locked it) and we started kissing...next thing he was feeling up my leg, I backed off and told him "no" he backed off, for a few minutes, and then he pushed himself ontop of me with his pocket knife out and once I saw the knife I reverted back into my own mind. Again when I woke up he was cradling me saying "I'm sorry, I'm sooo...sorry. Please forgive me." I pulled my stuff together and ran home. I never spoke to him after that. He did try to shower me with the "I'm sorry" "I love you" gifts again...but I avoided him...I told no one because of fear that no one would believe me or he'd do something to me. Two months I kept my head low...Then the Columbine Massacre happened and the schools started to profile "loners" to make sure that it won't happen in another school. The unexpected happened...I got called into the school psychologist's office...I just happen to be going through one of my lows...and next thing I knew I was in tears. I told the psych that I didn't know why I was crying, I did tell her about the harrassment and bullying...and that was it. The school psych insisted that I continue to see her for a while. Shortly there after I got involved with a youth group that acctually came to the school and picked everyone up, and brought 'em back to the school. I started to work through my issues on my own (or so I though). Junior year ended on a somewhat poisitve note...the ROTC Drill Team and Rifle Team had both placed at regionals (both of which I was involved in). Though I was requested not to bring a female date I went to my youth group's MORP (Prom alternative) and had fun. I had a lot of missing memories from this year...I've given up trying to pull up those memories.

Senior year...I had dated this one female early in the year only to find out that the only reason she was dating me was to get back at her ex...though we're now best friends. I did manage to bounce back and get involve with another female. We dated until mid year when her dad walked in on us making out (rather imbarrising). I continued with JROTC Drill Team and got kicked off the Rifle Team for trying to shoot another student....you can ask if you want. I continued with the youth group. I got involved with another girl half way through the third semester and we stayed together for almost the rest of the year...until (according to my mother) her parents threatened to press charges...so my mother (supposedly) made the agreement that I was joining the military if they didn't press charges against me (she was 15 and I was 18). I gave up the drugs because of my plans to join the military....I eventually quit drinking too. It was another year that I had a lot of missing memories....I recovered some but not all. The one recovered memory I have is being raped when I was at the church that I went to youth group at, I don't remember by who, I do remember that we had been setting up for an even and everyone went on break and I decided to stay behind and read. Next thing I know I'm on the floor with someone on top of me, he's inside of me, and saying that he's going to "fuck me straight". Next thing I new one of the other volunteers was waking me up asking if I was ok. I told them I wasn't sure that I think I fell asleep. I've yet to recover any other memories from that instance.

I joined the Navy straight out of HS. I went through boot camp. After boot camp I reported to my "school"....which I kept to myself. I did get involved with a few females (thanks to the "don't ask don't tell" policy)...but it was never anything major...I reported to my first duty station after a short home visit. USS JFK I was pretty stoked to be at my first duty station. The crew I was with was ok. I kept to myself kept my head low, I was a junior enlisted person. I minded my "P's and Q's" did what I was told, when I was told. I was quick. I got things done right when I was told to and quicker then most. Because of this I got the favor of most of my PO's...one seemed to have me run more silly annoying errands then any other. I still got everything done no matter how rediculous it may have seemed...I did it. A month and a half after me reporting to the ship he came up to me and asked me if I would want to get my rescue diver's certification...which I was stoked about that idea...he said there was one thing he needed me to do in order for him to put in the suggestion for me to get accepted...he told me I'd have to give out for him to sign off on it...and if I refused he'd get me kicked out of the Navy...he would report me for being gay and that (at the time) was an automatic discharge. Because I not only wanted to stay in, I wanted to be a rescue diver. Every time he scheduled one of our "meet ups" I would go back into my mind and find that safe place where no one could find me or hurt me. I would keep my head low and not talk to anyone unless they talked to me. This one female and her boyfriend that I had gotten to know, we would go out for dinner, coffe, movies...introduced me to this one guy they knew that they said would be "perfect for me" the following weekend we did a double date and I met him (my now husband)...and I'm not sure if it was fireworks or the fact that I was in a (unknown) bipolar high...but we hit it off really well. In our time of dating he didn't know what was going on between myself and the PO I worked under. It wasn't until one night when I couldn't take anymore I went into a panic and decided one way or another I needed off that ship, even though we were in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. I told him about what had been going on...he told the ship's psychologist and we started the process with pressing charges. The psychologist dx'd me with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and medicated me. The meds made me more depressed, more unpredictable...I ended up trying to jump ship...which landed me in a hospital in Puerto Rico and made me find out I'm allergic to Haldol. I then got out processed and got out of the Navy.

Since then I've been in and out of therapy....on and off medication...on and off pot, and pain meds (they help numb me when I'm in a low). I've been in a psych hospital once since then and it's because I was adjusting to a total med adjustment. I went in willingly because I felt like I was a danger to myself....

I've lived in WA for going on 7 years and the past 2 years out of therapy and off meds....barely holding things together...I'm having to re-learn every coping skill I was ever taught. I quit the pot...though the urge is still there. I also don't drink (as much, only on occasion).


Over the years, I've had the following dx (no particular order):

BPD, Bipolar, Schitzopernia, DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), PTSD, Depression, ADD, Anxiety Disorder...

The one's that have stuck:

Bipolar, PTSD, ADD, and Anxiety Disorder.
(oh, and dyslexia...which I learned how to "deal with")

So if I'm not crazy or going crazy....who is???

I need to get away...

I've only had this feeling a few other times. The one that's most vivid in my memory is when I was AD Navy and I tried "jumping ship" (literally)....it was the only way of me getting away, and it was but it wasn't necessarily me getting away from where I was physically at...it was just getting away. I didn't want to be a part of this world anymore. After that there was only one time I went through feeling that way and I ended up in the psych hospital (temporarily) because I had no coping skills to get through it. Since then I've been able to pretty much prevent myself from feeling this way. I'm not supposed to feel like this anymore. I'm not supposed to want to do what I feel the need to yet...it's too soon. I've been able to predict when I'm going to feel up and down...I can usually count the days in between and somewhat predict things....I can usually cope with it and keep it all in. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be able to fake a smile so that everyone thinks I'm ok. I don't want people to know how I REALLY feel. It's supposed to be everyone else that is crazy....not me!

Why is it when everything looks like it's going well it suddenly all goes to shit and I can't control it anymore. It's always when I let my guard down, because I think I've got it under control and figured out. I can't let my guard down. Now it's not just me not being able to trust others....I can't even trust myself....

...as long at the dog doesn't turn on me I'm at least ok. The gerbil already turned on me...the snot bites me...the dog...I can't have the dog turn on me...

I want to do what I know I shouldn't....
I want to cry, but I don't know how....
I want to feel, but I can't....

I just need to get away.

Numb

I can't seem to get past this feeling...actually I don't think I would call it a "feeling" because I'm not actually "feeling" anything. I'm pretty much completely numb. Which is odd considering I usually feel like this only when all I want to do is sleep...not when I'm going through not being able to sleep. I don't understand this. Everyone I see always seems to be happier then me. I dare say it pisses me off. I've never not been able to explain things...I'm probably more informed then any one person should be, that hasn't stepped foot into a college level psych class, about matters concerning psychology...but considering I've never liked not being able to comprehend what I'm being told by anyone; teachers, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologist...anyone. So, anyone that has ever not liked not understanding then you'll know how bonkers I'm going.

Now before my solution to this "problem" of feeling numb would have been cutting myself. Yes, I will admit I used to cut myself (I've got several scares from it too). My therapist that I had when I lived in FL gave me the suggestion of keeping a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it harder and harder when I felt like cutting myself. Problem number two...the rubber band thing isn't working. Hence where I'm stuck.

I'm wanting to, even though I know I shouldn't.....

Another day, another appointment...

Well, the little one (she's not so little anymore, she's 9 1/2) had a therapist appointment today. I made sure she talked about some of the things that she told me about (sometimes wishing she were never born, wishing that her father and I would break up...stuff like that) and her therapist and I agree that she may need to get re-evaluated. Her mood swings have become more severe over that past few years. So hopefully by this time next month we'll be in for an evaluation to possibly figure things out a bit better. We were given the dx of ADHD and Asperger's when she was younger...but I'm not sure if it's a complete dx. I love my daughter, but there are days where I wish I could understand her and her needs.

Then she had her medication appointment...she's managed to gain 3 1/2 lbs in 3 weeks. She had already gained 4 lbs in October. We (the dr and I) think it's because of the Risperdal that she was on, that she's currently being gradually pulled off of and switched over to Seroquel...we'll see how this one works. The Risperdal was starting to show signs of working with her, but the weight gain was an issue. We're hoping that she wont' have the issue of weight gain on the new medication. Only time will tell. I told her med dr about the therapist wanting to re-evaluate her...he didn't seem too happy with that, but you know what he doesn't ever seem happy with things when I'm the one trying to figure things out with my daughter. It's up there with when I pulled her off her meds towards the end of last school year because I got tired of the stimulants and her not growing. But luckily I've already requested her to be put with a med dr at the same office as her therapist...I'm tired of the hour + drive to her med dr's office at least if we get it switched it'll only be 15-20 minutes.

I swear the stress between my own stress and such and my darling little girl's (even on the worst of days she's still darling) issues I don't know which is going to be the end of me...

MINE, MINE...ALL MINE!!!

So, just to clarify things...This is MY blog!!! I will write what I want when I want...and NO ONE can say a thing about it! So, HA! I use this blog more as a personal online journal then anything....most people who read this are probably wondering why I'd put a personal journal online...well, for one most people reading this (if anyone ever comes across it) won't know who's writing it (ahhh...the joys of anonymity) and two if anyone I know does come across this it's either because I gave you the link or you just got lucky finding it...anywho, this is my random writings and if you don't like what I have to say about something or how I feel...then DON'T READ IT!!!

Another week...eh, who am I kidding???

****Warning this is not your "typical" happy post...I'm bluntly honest in my post of how I'm feeling...If you don't like it, don't read it****

Well, we're only on Wednesday and it's definitely turning out to be one of "those" weeks. I got about three hours of sleep last night...I don't remember falling asleep last night....not that I ever remember falling asleep. Though the three hours of sleep won't effect me either...for me that's "normal" I don't usually get a lot of sleep, I either get around three hours of sleep or I'll get 12 or more hours of sleep (days I can't seem to get enough sleep).

Right now I can honestly say, I'm thankful for the coping skills that my therapist that I had when I lived down south. Though lately implementing those skills have been hard...especially lately when I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to face the world, I don't want to "do" anything but crawl into a hole somewhere and be left alone. I try talking to my husband...doesn't help. I try using rubber bands and snapping them on my wrist (instead of cutting)...doesn't help (still want to). I'm down to journaling and just occupying my time with other things. I'm hoping that I can just occupy my time and mind enough to keep from going crazy.

I wish I knew what it's like to feel "normal"...but I don't think I ever will.