Now What?

Ok, so I did manage to get more than my "normal" 3-4 hours of sleep last night without dreaming...which is what I wanted. But I now am having more of a rush of emotions during the waking day. I've been out of therapy for at least 4 years (solid therapy for closer to 7 years now) so remembering what I learned, coping skills and all, is hard...I try to remember, but without my journals that I kept all my notes in all I can remember is to journal daily (or as needed for those times that I've got more going on during the day) and the "safety rules" for when I'm in a "low": 1-no drinking 2-no sharps 3-no pills w/o dr's ok first.

I have decided to "go out on a limb" so to speak...and trust my husband's friend T...so far he's the only one that has (to my knowledge) read any of these entries...which I've become ok with. It's just the matter of trusting someone that's the hard part, I don't know if I can take getting hurt by anyone again. I got a FB message the other day from someone that I went to school with it was one of those online quizes but this one was "How Stupid Are You?" with the message of "Take this and see how dumb you REALLY have been this whole time!" Needless to say, I trusted that person...even though they were an ass to me in H.S they had messaged me to friend them with a lengthy "I'm sorry for what I did to you in H.S"....maybe I REALLY am that naive.

To top all matters off...I think I'm ruining my relationship with my husband...bad enough he filed for divorce once (about 4 years ago) and I barely was able to convince him not to (maybe I should have just let him...then things wouldn't be the way they are b/t us)...I know that things are a bit rocky for us, but what "normal" relationship doesn't have it's ups and downs? Ok, ok...so our relationship doesn't fall under "normal"...but we try. I'm working on being able to not have flash backs every time we try to be intimate with each other, I can at least now (most of the time) stand him touching me and the sound of his voice without getting a lurchy (yeah not a real word) in the pit of my stomach. It's just...he doesn't understand, nor does he try to...he says he does but whenever I try to explain how I'm feeling...it's like talking to a brick wall (and yes I've told him this too)...but for crying out loud!!! We've been together for going on 11 years and I can honestly say we're still as far apart from each other as we were when we first met. We've been to couple's therapy on 3 different occasions...and I'm starting to believe most of them...it's my fault we're not closer. At first I thought the therapist was just being a dick but then to be told that by two other therapists...well, the last one said I need to stop trying so hard and that I shouldn't get on his case so much because he does work all day he should just be able to go home and relax and that I should be the one worrying about all the cooking and cleaning and the kid not him....I told her where she could stick her ideas. She was a bitch. And yet my husband liked her the most. Don't know if it's because she, like all the others, took his side or the fact that he had no clue what she said to me when he wasn't in the room....I don't know...I'm trying to keep things together, not only with him but with me...and I feel like I'm at the point of "sink or swim" "flight or fight" and right now I don't know what to do. Everyone always asks me "well, do you love him?" and there's a difference that most people don't realize...you can "love" someone and not be "in love" with them and I couldn't even answer either.

I'm weak...