Can't Sleep Anymore...

I wish I could say that I had another night of dreamless sleep...Trust Me I wish I could say that...I'm just glad I got that one night of dreamless sleep...

Last night was...disturbing. I got startled awake, because I would have sworn that I heard felt someone in my apartment. I searched the apartment, checked the windows and doors...made sure there was no one was or had been in my apartment. I'm not sure (at that point in time) what made me think that someone was in my apartment...but it took me a bit to fall back asleep. Finally fell asleep passed out from being tired...only to feel like someone else was here in the apartment (other than my daughter and dog), but this time I can't wake up. Then who or whatever goes from just being in my apartment to next to me, then I felt a hand against my cheek...it was gentle, so I assumed I was just dreaming of my husband. Then the hand went from my cheek to my hand...next thing I knew I wasn't in my apartment any more and I was being held down. There was one person holding my hands down, someone else holding my mouth open, one pouring liquid in my mouth and another was on top of me. All of them laughing...I can hear them all laughing and cracking jokes about "How do you turn a 'faggot' straight?" The one on me tries to kiss me and I turn my head only to get forced to keep my head still...he sticks his tongue down my throat kissing me. I taste the alcohol and pot on his breath...the mix of the two make me gag. He sits up on me and I can hear the zipper of his pants...then the hands that were holding my mouth open before, pull my mouth open again and then I hear a voice whisper "You bite me I'll cut you up like a fish." Right then he stuck his penis in my mouth...the more I gaged the more the voices laughed...then one was in me...he pushed harder and harder in me with each stroke...if I blacked out I was awoken with a hard slap across the face. They took turns one or two holding me down and one in me. I don't know how many there were. I don't remember where I was all I know is what I could feel and hear. It seemed to go on for hours...and then I blacked out.......
and my alarm woke me up (I've been keeping it set for b/t 5:30 and 6 am just in case I can't wake myself from a nightmare/flashback)...most mornings I will go back to sleep after my alarm wakes me, but not today...after last night, I'm not sure I'm going to get any sleep...I...can't take this flashback a fourth night in a row....let alone any others that may decide to pop up while I'm sleeping...I know that REM sleep is the dream state of sleep where your mind processes things that it can't during the day, but I'm not sure that I want my mind to process any of this any more...I'm just starting to "come to terms" with accepting myself as I am...now my mind is bringing back some of the memories that tore me apart in the first freakin' place...

I've finally accepted the fact after being dx'd 9 years ago with bipolar that "hell the doctors weren't crazy or just trying to fill me with meds..." I took the meds that they prescribed me, mostly because it helped with being able to "feel" something when I was having flashbacks...because I had also been dx'd with PTSD (that dx I was willing to believe)....

But for now...no sleep=no dreams/flashbacks