I've only had this feeling a few other times. The one that's most vivid in my memory is when I was AD Navy and I tried "jumping ship" (literally)....it was the only way of me getting away, and it was but it wasn't necessarily me getting away from where I was physically at...it was just getting away. I didn't want to be a part of this world anymore. After that there was only one time I went through feeling that way and I ended up in the psych hospital (temporarily) because I had no coping skills to get through it. Since then I've been able to pretty much prevent myself from feeling this way. I'm not supposed to feel like this anymore. I'm not supposed to want to do what I feel the need to yet...it's too soon. I've been able to predict when I'm going to feel up and down...I can usually count the days in between and somewhat predict things....I can usually cope with it and keep it all in. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be able to fake a smile so that everyone thinks I'm ok. I don't want people to know how I REALLY feel. It's supposed to be everyone else that is crazy....not me!
Why is it when everything looks like it's going well it suddenly all goes to shit and I can't control it anymore. It's always when I let my guard down, because I think I've got it under control and figured out. I can't let my guard down. Now it's not just me not being able to trust others....I can't even trust myself....
...as long at the dog doesn't turn on me I'm at least ok. The gerbil already turned on me...the snot bites me...the dog...I can't have the dog turn on me...
I want to do what I know I shouldn't....
I want to cry, but I don't know how....
I want to feel, but I can't....
I just need to get away.
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