Now if that title doesn't explain it all....I don't know what would.
Okay, so I woke up at about a quarter to 10 this morning after falling asleep sometime after 6:30am. So, needless to say it was another night of only about 3 hours of sleep. I'm hoping, considering how everything else has been going, that I crash early...because then I'll at least get some sleep. The one MAJOR thing I don't like is the fact that with the sleep comes REM sleep with REM sleep comes dreams...most "normal" people don't think about the fact that when they go into REM sleep that they dream, I'm not "most normal people" and I don't have dreams...I either have partial/full flash backs or I have nightmares. Neither of which I want to or believe I can deal with right now.
Today though was rough. Even with the only 3 hours of sleep I felt pretty much well rested...but I didn't want to get out of bed...so, I didn't. I allowed my dd to have a "free day". I read, attempted to fix the computer tower only to mess it up even more (not unlike most things I touch lately), and according to my dd I slept a good part of the day...which is where the problem lies. I don't recall laying down to go to sleep. I remember working on the computer and then next thing I was on the couch reading something online. I'm trying to think of what happened in between...but I just can't think of anything right now. DD says that I fixed her lunch and colored with her, but I don't remember doing that either. But apparently I didn't do anything self-injurious , that was the first thing I checked for when I realized I "lost" part of my day...and none of the alcohol is missing...so I didn't drink either. So, now it's just dealing with knowing I "lost" part of my day...it's freaking annoying. I've been staying as stress free and anxiety free as possible, because that's what my last therapist said could possibly trigger it...I hate myself for allowing this to happen again. DD says I didn't do or say anything weird, which is good. I checked my internet history and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I just....grrrr X(
I hate when stuff like this happens....
I hate myself...
On top of that, I may have pushed away the one person that I (think) I can openly talk to. I hate when I do that...I don't mean to. I just....I'll start to trust someone and open up to them, and somehow it's always the same question that gets asked that I don't want to admit (not only to myself but others) and I end up pushing people away because of it. I'm so obtuse. My husband even tells me that I need to open up and trust people more...and I'll start to trust them and then it's like some warning signal in my head goes off and yells, "STOP!!!" and the only thing I can do is listen to it. After 14 + years of dealing with different forms of abuse I still can't tell when that "Stop!" is accurate or not...so I just listen to it. I'm such an imbecile...the one time I know I can trust a person, I blow it.
Dovrei morire appena.
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