Why?

I'm often told that I'm naive or obtuse. I'm not sure if that's true or not, though I often feel it is...all I know is that in my years of being brought up by my parent(s) and grandparents...I was always told not to question adults or those who are more knowledgeable than you are. So, that's how I've lived my life out thus far. So, why is it that I always feel so ignorant? Why is it that I'm now 30 years old, not a day of college "under my belt"...I'm married to someone who proposed by telling me, "I'm going to marry you one day" never a real proposal...yet my response? "Okay." I've never been one to be able to say "no" to anyone. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. Once, most, people find this out they take advantage of it...and I know (some of the time) that, that's what they're doing, but I feel...powerless. The times that I have said "no"...the person either didn't listen to me and I went with whatever it was that they wanted in the first place...or they didn't listen and...well, I ended up getting hurt.

Why is it that when I know that what I want to do is for my own good...I still end up not doing it, because I'm too scared or someone tells me that it's not a good idea?

Why is it that when someone sees a sad movie and cries? Yet I watch the same movie and feel nothing?

Why is it that all these years of being told that I need to learn to stand up for myself, I still can't? Not to my mother, not to my husband, not even to a total stranger...???

Why is it that in order for me to write about how I really feel, I can't look at what I'm doing...I have to type with my eyes shut?

Why is it that most of these posts that I've been writing will likely never be read by myself? Is it because I'm too afraid of my TRUE feelings?


Why???