Survival

Yeah, my choice of titles are a little on the weird side and I usually don't stick to it...but anywho, here goes...

This morning I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone, which my actions may seem a little unorthodox as to the boundaries of my comfort zone...I went to church with a friend of my daughter's and her family. I've been to church before don't get me wrong...but I've never really been able to sit through an entire church service in several years. Today I made myself sit through the entire service...I did so the only way I knew how, I sat not only close enough to where if I got up everyone would see me getting up and leaving (which I usually just sit as far to the back as possible) but I also sat in the middle of the row, boxing myself in, so that I couldn't easily get up to leave. Now I'm not going to say I didn't make it through the service without having an anxiety attack/flashback (because if I said that I'd be lying)...but I managed through it, at one point I know I went into the back of my mind to my "safe spot"...the only reason I know I did this is because one moment the pastor was talking about one thing and the next he was talking about something completely different. But, what matters is...I sat through the entire thing. I felt odd though, even going to church...with my past and who I am and not knowing what I believe. But the upside to all this is, I "survived"...I made it through the church service without getting up and leaving. Now...to work through the memories that prevented me from sitting through a service.

" T's God loves me, and I am important to Him. "
(even though days I don't feel that way)