Well, hell...this is the first time I've started with not being sure where to start...
Let's see...managed to eventually fall asleep, though I'm not sure what time it was because the last time I had looked at a clock it was after 1 am and I was still up for quite some time after that. I woke up from pretty much the same flashback as the night before, which is unusual...I don't usually have the same "dream"(flashback) two nights in a row. I eventually fell back asleep and (here's the REALLY weird part), it was as though my mind hit the "pause" button when I woke up and then hit "play" when I fell back asleep...it all continued. I tried to go further into my mind to my "safe spot" but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get there. The only thing that woke me was the fact that my mom (thank goodness) called me at an odd time of morning...I don't know why, but my phone going off wakes me...usually nothing will wake me once a flashback starts (short of dumping ice cold water on me). I don't like these flashbacks. I woke up and my wrists and ankles still hurt (as though what happened in my "dream" really did just happen). I've gotten into the habit of writing before I get this feeling off of me, because I remember more and I'm able to get more out...
I'm now understanding why I go into (my old therapist would call them "panic attacks") almost every time I go into a church. It's because of that one memory. I really wish I could work past it, because I shouldn't feel that way...not in a church. I don't know how to explain it to people that have invited me to church and I've accepted only to have to walk out 1/2 through because I can't handle it...what am I supposed to say? "Sorry, I can't go to church with you because I get panic attacks stepping foot into a church." yeah I see that going over well (lead balloon).
This other half of the "dream"...I can't exactly make out all the details, but it almost sounds like the graduation party (from the details that are coming up in my "dream") from when I graduated ATD school (USN thing). But I don't remember much from that party. I remember being there, but it was one of those instances that I went and hung out with the people I knew and then....well, next thing I knew I woke up in my dorm room the next morning. I figured that I had gotten so tired that I didn't remember anything else (the party was pretty late)...But, one detail I remember that sticks out is the feeling of what I was being held down on...it wasn't a bed, beds are soft and this was hard...the only hard surface (other then the obvious kitchen table and coffee table) that I remember was the pool table that was in the basement, but no one went down there...that's the odd thing...I don't remember me or anyone going down there. I don't remember being alone with any one or small group of guys...
Why is it that I continuously put myself into these types of situations??? Am I really that daft? Seriously??? I went through shit when I was younger...then again in HS...by this point in time shouldn't I have learned something?!?!?
...before I went to bed I drew a picture (suggested by T) of my "safe spot"...but then I got ticked because my daughter that I love has hidden the box (we have a pencil box) of colored pencils...issue will be dealt with when she wakes up.. so, since I couldn't finish the picture and my mind was still doing 90->nothing and it wasn't slowing down I added music to my play list and I read the first two chapters (again) of a book that was recommended to me (The Bipolar Child), so that I can better understand my daughter. In the process of reading the first chapter and there was a short part "The Illness In Adults"...to put it point blank, by the time I was done reading that section I was going "Oh my God...the doctors aren't completely crazy...that just described me to a 'T'..." So, I did further research (something I do even if I know the information) and, safe to say I (think I) believe the last few doctors I've seen now. The weird thing is, they all said I had to "come to terms" with knowing I had this "disorder" before therapy would completely help. Any way, I always knew I was depressed (at times) but never saw a problem in it. My husband (on the other hand) would say that there are times talking to me is like "walking on eggshells" and even after talking to my mom this morning she said the same thing...that even growing up she couldn't predict how I would react one moment to the next. She also said that my daughter has a terrible mix of both (mine and my husband's) tempers...considering she's already kicked holes in walls because of her "fits". I love my family and (I think) they love me...
I just wish I could be "normal" and be able to go to church (without "panic attacks") or to hang out with a group of "friends" with out having to stand guard and be afraid...I just want more then anything to be able to FEEL something again...
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