Sabotage.

I'm sick of this...

So, the night before last I managed to actually get a decent night sleep only to have it to where if I took a nap during the day I'd have some sort of flashback. Then last night I went through pretty much the same routine of trying to clear my mind and focus on just the music that I put on...which in itself takes me a good hour and a half or more to relax, only to have another flashback. The only thing that "saved" me was the fact that for some reason or another my cell phone alarm went off at 5:30am, which thankfully woke me up. So, after being woken up it took me about another hour and a half to two hours (going by when I had last looked at the time and amount of time passage after that) to, yet again, relax and go back to sleep. Only to dream, again! I HATE dreaming right now, because they're never good. This time it was more of a sensory flashback then a full visual flash back. I don't like this though. So, to do the math...

I watched a short movie around 11:30pm and it ended around 1am. I then turned on my playlist that I've started creating on youtube. It took me about an hour and a half to relax and fall asleep. So, I'll say about 2:30am I fell asleep. Alarm went off at about 5:30am. (that puts me at about 3 hours of sleep) Took me from that point about an hour and a half to two hours to relax again and fall back asleep. So, I'll say about 7:15am I fell back asleep. I just woke up and it's about 9:40 am (puts me at another 2 hours and 25 minutes). So total combined amount of sleep for the night: approximately 5 hours and 25 minutes...feels like less...way less.

Now, the disturbing part of the flashbacks...it was one that I usually (even in hypnotherapy) could only recall the smells, sounds, feel of what was going on. The only visual I could ever recall before what my surroundings, never the person. Last night was my first time seeing, feeling, smelling...everything! I trusted him! I can't believe I trusted him with so much! He knew everything I had been through. Him and his girlfriend...Just thinking about this...I want to just...run. My junior year of H.S I had been involved with this youth group and had grown pretty close with the youth pastor and his wife (they had quickly become like a second family to me) by this point...they knew something had been troubling me and they asked me, I told them that I'd have to write it down, so during service that evening I sat in one of the back rows and started writing a bit of what I had been through in my life (what I had remembered) and some of what I was going through in school. I found them shortly after the service ended and they read what I wrote down. They'd recommended some church based counseling for me once a week before service. Which I was ok with, because I needed someone to talk to that I could trust. So the next week they introduced me to this couple Ang&J and said that I'd be meeting with them, J had been through training (through the church) to counsel youth and because of the rule no guys alone in a closed room with a girl his girlfriend joined us (that and they, the couple, wanted me to see what a "normal" couple was like)...since I already kinda' knew Ang I was ok with talking about what I could remember of the past and about the bullying (not the why) at school. They helped me work through the anger of what happened (only for me to learn how to bottle everything up) and then we started working on my being bullied at school....some of what they said was decent advice, the rest was "biblical mumbo jumbo" that (at the time) I didn't agree with (to this day I don't know if I do). Any how...he knew everything...they knew who I really was (which became apparent)...I trusted him!!!

The second flashback was one I thought I had blocked when it first came up almost 10 years ago in hypnotherapy...
(I'm writing this as I recall it from last night)

I was being held down, there's more than one person, lots of music. I smell smoke, but it's not just cigarettes...beer (yuck!) I smell it. Vodka, rum, something else but I'm not sure I can taste them...they're pouring them in my mouth. I try to spit them out because I know I've already had enough. Two drink never made me feel woozy like this before...maybe I had more, but I could swear I was counting. They're touch is rough...wait a minute where are my clothes?!?!? I want to scream but I can't. I want to tell them "No!" and that they're hurting me but I can't...I can't move! Suddenly something wet is on my face, in my mouth, on me...what are they doing?!?!? One of them is inside of me... "No!" I could swear I yelled it, but they're all laughing. Someone lifts my head and pours liquid down my throat and it all goes black...

I'm thankful for my dog. He's the only reason I managed to wake up from that one...all because he had to go out...

My mind and body are sabotaging me...
and I don't know what to do...