Come to terms...

So, I've come to terms with myself. I can finally say that I accept myself for who and what I am and know that I'm being honest. It's great. I'm finally comfortable with myself, my whole self....I hear it now...my brother saying, "well it's about time." and he's right. It is about time...I'm freakin' 30 years old and I'm just now comfortable with myself and am not afraid to admit that I'm a homosexual...I'm gay and I'm proud of who I am. Now it's down to...how do I tell my husband that I'm not sexually attracted to him. That relationship wise, he's more like a really good friend to me than anything. I respect him, because we are still married...but I'm not sure how to tell him. I find myself more attracted to females vs. men....I don't want to hurt him...but I also don't want to lead him on. I don't know what to do.

I got to go out with a group from WWU's GSA and W.C's GSA this evening. We went out for Thai food and ice-skating. I had a blast! I ended up getting 2 other gal's phone numbers while we were at the ice-skating rink...it was kinda' funny that I was able to do that without really trying. I found it mildly amusing. I also had several people in our group say I don't look 30. To be honest...I don't know what 30 is "suppose" to look like...I guess I'm glad I don't look "that way" :-D I know I don't act it...but then again acting my age has never been fun....life's supposed to be fun at least some of the time.

"God LOVES me for who and what I am, and I'm IMPORTANT to Him."
I LOVE myself for who and what I am REGARDLESS of what others may say.

Side Effect???

Well, I can kinda' understand how frustrated Porky Pig must have felt with trying to talk and constantly studdering...

I'm thinking this might be a mild side effect from one or more of the medications I'm on, but I've been studdering for the past two days now. It's frustrating when I'm trying to hold a conversation and I'm constantly studdering. It wasn't too bad yesterday, but today it's been getting worse. The best explanation I can give is...pretend your brain is a tape player and the tape is playing at normal speed, going in the right direction, and then suddenly it goes in reverse for a split second and then continues going forward in the correct direction. That's what it's like for me talking...and I have no control over it. I hate it! It's making it difficult to talk and not get mad. I'm hoping it's just temporary and that it'll go away once I become "adjusted" to the medication.

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

I managed to, other then getting frustrated about the studdering, have a pretty decent day. I might actually get almost caught up on my Math by Friday. I'm going to try to get caught up with the "Homework" assignments by end of class tomorrow, and then during the extra class tomorrow night start getting caught up on the "Quiz" assignments. I've started minimizing how much talking to any of the teachers I do as long as I'm studdering...it's a bit embarrassing. Other then that...just another day....

...getting a little better ??? maybe...

Today has been, for the most part a pretty good day. Emotionally I've been able to, again for the most part, keep my emotions in check. With the exception of almost crying for no apparent reason, and then crying in front of one of my teachers when talking about my up-bringing and how my family would respond to me making a bad grade on a test. Talking about my mom and how I was treated growing up has been and still is a tough subject for me to talk about. But I have a meeting with her tomorrow to talk about strategies for me to deal with test anxiety, because I get it really bad....it's like my mind goes completely blank once the test is handed to me. More times than not I end up guessing on the test...sometimes I do okay others I completely bomb the freakin' thing. I had that happen to me during my English test that I had the other week. I knew the information...but for the life of me I couldn't remember it.

I'm usually really good at holding it in when I feel the "need" to cry, but lately it's been getting harder....I'm afraid of it getting to the point that I can't hold it in anymore and crying in front of my entire class. I fought to keep it in today...I don't like crying in front of people. I can't even remember the last time I've even cried in front of my own husband and/or daughter. I know that when I cried in front of my brother last month, I was beating myself up (figuratively) for almost two weeks because I felt stupid crying in front of him. The biggest trigger I have for crying is when I get angry. I don't like getting angry to the point of I get upset about getting angry. I know it seems weird to get upset about getting mad, but "emotions" have always been confusing to me. Growing up I've always been told to "suck it up" or "get over it"...everything was always "no big deal" to my mom...to this day she'll tell me to "get over it" if I get upset or mad about something...I wish that I knew how to "deal" with "emotions" better. I'm afraid of Bug not learning how to deal with her emotions properly and her ending up confused like me. I'm trying to teach her that it's okay to express and talk about how she's feeling...it's not easy though. It's up there with explaining to her how babies get into "mommy's tummies"...yeah the wonderful sex talk with my 9 year old who, at times, doesn't 100% understand what I'm trying to tell her...this is a talk that I have NO CLUE as to what to tell her. My mom never gave me "the talk" she handed my sister and I a book on the human body and figured the school's sex ed class would fill in the blanks...yeah. That's not quite the way I want her figuring things out. I just don't know where to start. All I know is I better figure out soon before she starts getting misconstrued information from her classmates.

...where to start???


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

Thankful

I never really took the time to think about how much my husband and brother are there for me, until today. Instead of going home after my last class today, like I normally do, I stayed at the TLC and read from my Bible that my brother lovingly gave me :) after I read I meditated/thought about nothing...the one thing that came across my mind was how much my brother and husband have been there for me this past month, even with my moods & emotions being rather unpredictable. Through everything they've been there for me...when it seemed like I had no one...they were there for me. I'm SO grateful for them both.

Life has been rough this past month for me...starting school amongst other things. On top of things I'm back in therapy and back on meds, which have sent me into a roller coaster train wreck with my emotions...thankfully, after talking to my husband today, he's aware of what I'm going through and totally supportive (still) of me "getting better".

I'm, right now, working on being patient with my meds and giving them time to take "full" effect. Unfortunately, patience isn't my strongest suite...

On a positive note, I found out today that WWU has an unofficial Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) Club...I'm working on finding out some information about the club and when they meet. Hopefully I will learn to accept me for me and see myself the way others; like my husband, daughter, brother, and his family see me.

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...

Train Wreck

These last few days have felt like a train wreck. My emotions are going one direction one moment and then the next they're wanting to go a completely different direction. I'm not sure what to do. I know I should give the medication more time...I'm hoping in time it also helps with this odd "need" to cut every time my stress level and emotions feel "out of control" or I start feeling disconnected...which has been more often then not as of late. It's weird. When Bug tells me that she loves me and/or gives me a hug and kiss, I should "feel" something. I autonomically respond, "I love you too." with a hug and a kiss...I pray that she doesn't realize the lack of emotion behind my responses that I give her...I just don't know how to otherwise react. Lately it's as though I "just exist." I don't understand the point of much lately. I want to cry, but can't.

I've got no one...nothing left of this life....

....I'm alone.

Facade

I'm almost at the point of not wanting to take any of these meds anymore. I know I've only been on 'em for two days...but I don't like feeling this way. My emotions are all "out of whack". I got mad at RJ and Bug (on separate instances) today...and the bad part is, I don't remember why I was upset with them. Then at one point I wanted nothing more than to cry, though I couldn't. Then while we were trying to relax as a family my mother called and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Don't you respond to your text?" and "How come you didn't call last weekend?" Apparently she didn't care about the fact that I was having trouble opening the message she sent (was a pic that wanted to open as a video) or the fact that I wasn't feeling good last weekend when I "was supposed to call them." Its like my life is supposed to freakin' rotate around what they want. I'm so sick of them. When she made the comment "Well don't I get to talk to Bug?" I flat out told her "If you were to ask." It took me telling her that she needed to ask for her to do so....as if I can just read her mind???? Really??? I'm not telepathic, Vulcan, or Betazoid...I can't read minds!!! I'm "supposed" to call them back tomorrow so that they can talk to Bug when she's not busy. I'm just not sure. I'm so sick of them, more my mother, trying to tell me what to do. It's, in part, because of her that I have some of the "issues" I have....I don't know how much longer I can continue this facade of "being okay".

....all I can do now is survive....

for how long?

I hate this...

I hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate how things "seem" to me. I hate not knowing if what I hear is real or not. I just wish it would all stop...wish things for me were "normal". I don't know what "normal" is anymore. I've forgotten what it's like to be "normal". I'm having to struggle to keep this mask of "everything's okay" on so that my family doesn't worry. I started meds yesterday, and I know it'll be a while before I "notice" any difference.

I'm not sure how long I'm going to be able to keep this mask on...

Finally gave in...

I finally, I guess you could say, gave in and stopped and spoke to someone in the Disability Support Services office today...the past two weeks I've been struggling to keep up with taking notes in the one class I especially like, my Psych class. One thing that a lot of people don't know about me, because I don't look at myself as "disabled" (I just have some issues) is I have ADD and dyslexia. I don't talk about it much, because I'm actually a bit embarrassed about it. I struggle to keep my attention focused when I'm in class. I had already asked my Psych class teacher about using a recording device when I'm in class to record the lectures because I was having trouble keeping up and she ok'd it and suggested (last week) that I talk to someone with Disability Support on campus and I kinda' shrugged it off (btw, same night I sprained my ankle). Well, today when I was talking to the professor in charge of D.S.S, who just happens to be one of my instructors, she asked why I didn't come to her sooner....and she then checked a Pulse Pen w/notebook to me to use for my Psych class. I guess I'm glad I stepped out of my "comfort zone" and spoke with her. I was less stressed about keeping up with my note taking when I was in class today, because I knew that if I didn't catch it with my own notes that the recording device on the pen would catch it.
On another note, of stepping out of my "comfort zone", when I was in my Psych class today we were asked to split into groups of 2 and "Pretend you are talking to your partner about sex and what type of plan you want for your relationship? How can you protect yourself as a couple?" I have trouble talking to "random" people about certain subject matter and sex is definitely one of those things. I managed to talk to my professor and let her know that I wasn't comfortable with the small group idea and she said it was okay for me not to participate and I explained a little of my past and that I was also having trouble writing the 8 page "Personal History" paper, and she said for me to write what I'm able to...she understands that I don't want to set myself back and she's also aware (b/c I told her) that I'm in individual counseling on campus...I'm going to try to do the full 8 pages and when it hits points that I'm not comfortable discussing I'll be vague (which she's ok with). So, I'm a bit less stressed about that too...today has been productive, in an odd sense.

But, I stepped out of my "comfort zone" and I'm ok with it...

...ooo....I also read one of my older blog posts, the one titled "Unsent Letter". Mostly because I needed to do an unsent letter journal entry for my Psych class and thought that, that particular online journal entry would be perfect. It was interesting...some of what I had written, I didn't realize I had actually gotten out into words. It felt good to actually get it onto paper and read it. Thought I don't think I'll ever send it...it felt good to actually write it out.


"God loves me for who and what I am and I'm important to Him."
"I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say."

No excuse...

I don't understand...I've limited the amount of contact I have with my family, yet when I forget to do something that I've told them I'd do; ie. call them on a certain day; I still manage to feel like crap. I know that no matter what the reasoning I'm still going to have to listen to the old woman bitch at me, "Why didn't you call when you said you would? Well, that's no excuse..." I was supposed to call them this past weekend to let them (my mom and step-dad) talk to Bug, but I wasn't (emotionally) feeling good all weekend...hell, I spent majority of the weekend curled up in bed not wanting to move. I wish I could still stay in freakin' bed and not get out of bed. This week is going to be one of those weeks that I have to force myself to get up and get (somewhat) motivated...it's only Tuesday and I had to do that to get my butt to class yesterday and to my appointment yesterday as well. All I want to do is just curl up in bed, under the covers, and not get up. I know that I can't do that, so I force myself to get up...

I'll probably call the parental units later today when Bug's home from school, before I go to my 6pm class...just so that they can't say that I'm "not allowing her to talk to them". In a sense it feels like they still (kind of) have control over my life, because she (my mom) still manages to make me feel like crap...


I hate this....

?Hopeful?

Well, I had my first appointment with the "new therapist". It was, interesting...it was a "typical first appointment". The get to know you type of appointment. She wants me to see one of the dr's at campus medical that works with patients that go to the counseling clinic and get back on meds, which I agreed to do. I'm a bit hopeful....hoping that things will get better and that I'll start feeling "normal" again vs. feeling "crazy" or like I'm going crazy. I often feel like I'm loosing my mind. Who knows?

One good thing that happened today...is I re-took one of my Math quizzes today (I only had one more try on it) and I went from a 65% to an 85%. Which I was ecstatic over it...yes, I got excited over a "B"...even though the 65% passed me on the quiz, I wanted to give it one last shot. My grade average for my quizzes and homework is a "B", though I'd like it to be an "A"...I just don't know if I can manage an "A" out of this class....I'm shocked I'm at a "B" right now.

I have a test in my English class tomorrow, first test for that class. I'm pretty comfortable with the information, but I'll review it all in the morning just to make sure it's all fresh in my memory...I'm pretty sure that I'll do well on the test.

Let's hope that this week continues on going well...I don't think I could handle it going bad.


....here's hoping......

Alone...

I feel all alone. In the back of my mind, I know that I'm not alone...I've got family and friends that care about me. But it's hard to explain...I still feel alone. I can't talk to my husband about the things that I feel, things I go through, things I struggle with almost everyday...he wouldn't understand. As I write "he wouldn't understand" I hear my brother's voice in the back of my head going "how do you know?" To be honest I can't say 100% that I know for sure he wouldn't understand...its just, I don't feel like I can talk to him about issues pertaining to my sexuality. That's just something that I don't bring up with him, because I've noticed that it tends to make him uncomfortable when I bring up anything on that subject matter...so I just don't anymore. If it doesn't make him uncomfortable it makes him upset or irritated (I mentioned a few days ago about some of the remarks that I've been having to deal with from other students, he got a bit upset/irritated about it). I've gotten to the point of making sure that I have my headphones on with music playing when I'm walking to and from class, so that I don't have to hear anything that is said by other students, I figure if someone has something important to say to me they'll make sure that they have my attention first. I figure if I listen to my music and don't look up at anyone then people will just leave me alone. Yeah, it doesn't help with the feeling of being all alone, but it'll help with not having to listen to the ignorance of others.

I just wish I could find the person I was, when I was back in high school...the person that wasn't afraid all the time, was sure of herself, didn't care about what others thought or said...I often wonder where that person went? If I could just find and be that person again...things would be different. Things would be easier. Life would be easier.

Life would be livable.

Maybe I WAS wrong

I've done a bit of thinking, and maybe I was wrong...I don't claim to be right all the time...heck not even most of the time...but when I'm wrong I will admit it. All these years I thought I was smart, I thought the person I married would change....when all this time I was just lying to myself. I'm not the intelligent person I thought I was....not even close. If I were smart I wouldn't of gotten married when I did or to who I did. Time does not or will not change a person...that person has to be willing to change, he's proven that he's NOT willing to change. He talks and "says" one thing...but his actions speak louder than words.I think that I should have taken my mother up on her offer 6 years ago of paying for me to divorce him or let him follow through with his filing for divorce 4-5 years ago...now, I'm stuck....I'm at a point and place where I don't know what to do....

Wow! Sleep!

Amazing how odd it feels to of gotten as much sleep as I did last night, granted it was medication induced sleep (NyQuil and GABA)...but it was at least sleep. I slept for about 12-13 hours last night, I would have probably slept longer except my kidneys woke me up...which is humerus. Apparently, RJ and Bug make a bit of noise and he was surprised that they didn't wake me up. I started taking GABA a few weeks ago to help me relax my mind enough so that I can sleep...it's helped so far, kinda'. There are some days, more so then others lately, that I'm still staring at the ceiling hoping to pass out and get some sleep. Thank goodness it's Sabbath...the one time I don't have to worry about school work. I can, in a sense, be lazy and not do anything....which for me is still odd....

but for now I'm going to try and relax.

"God loves me and accepts me for who and what I am, and I'm important to Him."
"I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say."

All Alone

As I look back at the past year, I wonder if my existence has been a waste of time...if I'm just a waste of space. Am I worth the time that people put into me? Am I worth the worry? ....I wonder.

I wish I could answer all the questions that I have. I don't think anyone has the answer to all the questions I have. Lately, more times then not, I feel all alone. I feel like there's no hope. I'm not sure what else to say...

I'm scared.

I'm scared of how I feel, of what I know and remember....I'm scared of myself.

I'm not sure anyone does or can understand....I'm alone.

More Untitled Poems

Reluctance
Against
Z ero
Ongoing
Reliance

The pain inside me
Is nothing compared to dark
The darkness surrounds

Longing for
One day
Not being
Eternally
Lonesome
Yet, I manage to survive...


Some Cut
Some cut for attention
Some cut for pleasure
Some cut for blood
Some cut for revenge
Some cut for survival
Some cut for reasons unknown
I cut for a release
I cut for a reminder

I cut because....

Fear of "Feeling"

I'm a bit confused as to how I "feel" right now. I know that me going back into counseling is something that I need to do...but I'm not sure it's something I want to do. I know that by going back into counseling I'm going to have to work through some tough things that I've been avoiding. The only way that I know to cope with past "issues" is to just avoid them. Now I'm not only going to have to (eventually) deal with them in therapy but I'm having to do a paper for my Psych class on my "Personal History" which is becoming difficult for me to even write. I'm not sure what I was thinking, if I was thinking when I dropped off the paperwork for me to be seen at the counseling center here on campus. I'm scared of facing my past...I've managed to keep most of it buried this long. I'm worried that if I don't get some sort of "help" that I'll just end up pushing everyone important to me away. But if I do get help and I do discover more of who I am and it ending up tearing my family, my world into shreds. I'm afraid of opening up to someone I don't know...I'm afraid of saying too much in my Psych paper and being judged by my past and what I write about it. I don't like being afraid. I don't like being judged. Every time I've "felt" either of those feelings in the past it has ended unwell, with me getting angry. I don't like getting angry. That's the one "feeling" I'm afraid of, I don't know how to handle being angry. The times that I've witnessed anger out of anyone it ended with someone hurt. I don't want to hurt or hurt anyone else...I've often been accused of being "emotionless", "not having any tear ducts", and even "heartless". It's not that I am without emotion, I just don't know how to show emotion so I avoid doing so as much as possible. At times I've been accused of being "standoffish" and it's only because I'm afraid of getting to be too close to anyone. I'm shocked that when T asked to "be my big brother" I said "yes". Not that I don't want him to be my brother...its not something that I would "normally" had agreed to. I'm glad to have him as my brother. He's more family to me than my own (blood related) family. I feel comfortable being myself around him and his family, which I can't say about my parents or sister. They've shown me what it's like to be accepted no matter what. I just wish I knew more people like them...I wish there were more people as wonderfully accepting as they are, but alas they are a rare breed.

"God loves me and accepts me for who and what I am, and I'm important to Him."
"I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say."

"Watch this...." -God

Okay, so I think I've definitely got it...my sprained ankle is teaching me that I need to not only slow down, but I also need to actually ask for help when I know I need it and not try to do everything myself. I'm (I've always been) one of those people that if I think I can do it by myself, I will. I've always looked at by me having to ask for help it's a sign of me being weak. I'm now having to learn that having depend on others for their help is not a sign of weakness...now to be honest, what it is I'm not sure. But, I'm working on asking for help when I know I need it. God has a sense of humor. The way I look at it, He tried teaching me this at one point or another...I didn't listen. So, in turn, He made me listen.

Well God...I'm listening....

Long Day

Okay, so yet another interesting day. I had my knee buckle and want to give out when I was going down the stairs from my apartment on my way to my first class today...in doing so, I almost fell down the entire flight of stairs. That would have hurt. Then I get to my first class today only to have a timed writing assignment, easy. Then at the end of class the teacher gives us all a writing assignment due in 2 days, yikes! I have to read this 26 (or so) page packet (it's the first chapter to some book) and then write a two page response to it. *sigh* I'll likely do it sometime tomorrow. I haven't had time to even look at it today. After class I walked up to Andy's (love that store) to pick up some stuff to go towards tonight's dinner, Bug and RJ cooked. By the time I made it home I was tired and couldn't focus on the homework that I was supposed to be working on. I ended up taking a nap before my class that was tonight. Made it to my class 15 minutes early for my class, enough time to quickly look over the material that I was supposed to finish reading only to have the teacher hand us a quiz, yikes! Needless to say, I wasn't ready for it (my own fault)...though I don't think I did too bad on it. It's worth 5 points...I would say "only" but 5 points could easily mean the difference between an "A" and a "B"...I'm hoping that I did okay on it, we'll see next week. The teacher at the end of class decided to announce that instead of an article review she wants us to do a review on the section of Chapter 5 that covers "Communication", that'll be interesting. I'm going to start working on that this week, along with all my other papers that I have coming up being due. I don't want to put anything off for too long. I have math homework every night, so I'm having to figure out how to squeeze in all my other homework. After class let out as I was leaving, I took the stairs vs. the elevator, mostly because I was talking to the teacher after class about what had been discussed in class and I was three steps from the bottom of the stairs when my knee buckled again...except this time I actually tripped and fell. I ended up either badly twisting my ankle or spraining it (I think it's sprained). Thankfully I was able to hobble home and my wonderful brother came over with an ace-wrap so that I can wrap it up in the morning...God's got a sense of humor...and I think this time He's trying to get me to get over my pride of depending on myself for everything and start asking for help...but that's just my thoughts on this situation.

Any how...I need to get some sleep...I've got class in the morning and it's almost midnight.

"God loves me and accepts me for who and what I am, and I'm important to Him."
"I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say."

More Random Rambling...

Thing lately have been...weird. Especially the past two or three days. I've been trying to keep my mind off of my past memories so that I can work through the emotional roller-coaster that I'm going through...I've been sleeping okay, restless...but okay. The weird thing about it, I know that I'm having dreams...but I'm not remembering as much as I "normally" do. I'm kinda' glad...it's been making my days a bit easier to "make it" through. It's made it so that things that I would normally (mentally) have to put on the "back burner" I'm able to work through and focus on my school stuff without much worry. I was able to sit and focus today at the Express on my reading that I was working on for my Psych class and "tone out the rest of the world" without hardly any trouble.

One thing today that kinda' made me smile today...I was leaving the building that my math class is in, and this one guy was going into the building at the same time; I looked up at him only to notice the beanie hat he had on, it was black with a rainbow colored peace sign on it, it made me smile :) It was awesome!!!

I got the subject for my first paper that's due in 11 days for my English class, I have to write a paper describing an outdoor scene I know well. I have to describe it at a particular time of day, how I feel about that place, and why it's such a strong/important memory. The only hard part about this will be keeping it to a page/page and a half, double spaced, and 10-12 point font...other than that, this is going to be an easy paper....I already know what I'm going to write this paper about. I'll probably have someone read over it before I hand it in, but this is definitely one paper I'm not too terribly concerned about. I really do hope the teacher picks something a bit more challenging for the next paper. Seriously?

Other then that, RJ and Bug met up with me at the Express around 1400 and we walked to Wal-Mart and got some grocery shopping done...though we didn't get everything on our list, which means I'll have to make a second trip there sometime during the week...we got most of our shopping done and are able to build meal menus for the next few weeks...I enjoyed the walk, it was some really good relaxing (going there) walk with the family. Even though we took a few wrong turns going there...it was fun. We all enjoyed the exercise. I've been enjoying my walks lately, I try to go on a walk at least once a day (not counting me walking to and from my classes) every day (when I'm able to).

I've been slightly procrastinating finishing filling out this form for me to go to the counseling center here on campus. Not completely sure why...just something I'm hesitant on getting done...I know I need someone to talk to...I dunno???


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I'm important to Him."
"I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say."

"Are you okay?"

Ahhh...the inevitable question that I'm constantly asked, "Are you okay?" I'm never sure how to answer it, especially when I'm not "okay". It's not that I don't want to talk about it...its just I'm not sure how to or where to start.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping since we've moved out here...partly because of how quiet it is, also because my mind won't slow down enough to let me sleep. I've done everything I can to not think about past "issues" so that I can stay focused on what's important...my school work. I found that sometimes when I can focus on something hard enough I'm able to go without any flashbacks...but it's getting harder. Even my walks, music, assignments are hard to keep my focus on without dealing with either feeling, hearing, remembering what happened. It's as though my entire body, soul, being...are all against me. I shut my eyes in hopes of not somehow remembering....and I fail.

Okay...it's such a relative state of being that I'm so used to just responding "I'm fine." I'm unsure how to answer most of the time. There are days that I can give a definite answer that I'm doing okay or good. But today, has been one of those day of "I'm just here" and beyond that I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm smart enough to accomplish this goal I've set out on...I type faster than I can write by hand...I'm not sure I'm going to be able to take notes very well for the class that I REALLY need to be able to. I've gotten the okay from the instructor to use a recording device for her class...now it's just a matter of getting one (hopefully by Tuesday). Then I've got other things to make sure I get done...I've got to work twice as hard as most others to get half as far, education wise. I'm willing to do the work, but I'm not sure how successful I'm going to be. I've never allowed Bug's or RJ's "disabilities/difficulties" to be used as an excuse for them education wise or for anything else...and I'm not going to allow myself to use mine. I have to figure out how to work through 'em.

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

First Two Days

Ok...so I survived my second day of classes...my mind is going ninety to nothing with stuff that I know that needs to get done for some of my classes, my Psych class in particular. I have a paper due on Valentines day and I'm trying to figure out what to write...the paper is on my personal history. I'm supposed to reflect on my childhood and how the experiences I went through my affect my marriage. Oi! This is going to be an interesting paper to write. It has to be at least 8 pages, which I'm going to try to limit myself to the 8 pages. Then I also have two article reviews that I'm supposed to do, one problem...I don't read magazines or newspapers. I think a trip to a bookstore is going to be needed...I hate taking the bus, but I think that's what I may end up needing to do...this will definitely prove interesting. I'm not sure how I'm going to pull off doing the article reviews...maybe I'll figure a way to look something up online and just print it.

My math class today was interesting. The girl sitting next to me evidently found it to be more important to listen to her Ipod than listen to the teacher...and then when the seat became free next to her "friend" she found it more important to move to sit next to her and hold conversation with her "friend"...I'm stuck in a class with a bunch of teenagers that appear to be more interested in other things than paying attention in the class that their parents are paying for them to take. I don't get these kids, and yes I can call them kids because that's what they are.

I have a full day tomorrow...math at 10a, writing at 11a, study skills at 1p, and meet with my "mentor" at 2:30p (which I think is ridiculous that I have to have a mentor). On top of all that I need to try to get Bug's enrollment stuff taken care of before I go to class. Thanks to all the help my bro's been giving RJ and I...I don't think we'd of gotten 1/2 the stuff we've been able to get done w/o him and his wife's help. I'd of lost my mind by now if it weren't for their help. He mentioned me seeing a therapist here on campus...and I'm actually thinking it might be a good idea. For me to go see someone out in town would be a bit difficult, considering my schedule and having to also balance Bug's appointments, which I need to still get set up. So much to do...not enough time in the day to accomplish everything. If I could just figure a way to get familiar with where stuff is and all I'd be able to figure out the bus (trolly) system from there...all in time, I guess.

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him." (Day 4 Round 2)

Went for a Walk...

So, today went rather interestingly...I convinced RJ to go for a walk with me today, of course with Bug. We finally talked about things that, I think, we had both been avoiding...our relationship being on of the matters of discussion...me figuring out who I am without worrying about judgement or really caring about what people think. I told RJ that what he does with his GI Bill money is up to him, that if he chooses not to sign it over to me, then that's his decision...I'm not going to ask him to sign it over to me...it's not my decision to make. I know that he was hurt when we had our discussion and that he is concerned about "loosing me". But he stated that what he wants most is me to be happy. Right now what I want most is to know who I am. I want to be comfortable with who and what I am. I want to be back to how I was before...not caring about what people think and being worried about how everyone else feels. Right now, in process of figuring out who/what I am...I'm trying to re-discover what it means feels like to be happy. For now I'm working on being comfortable with bits and pieces of me.

Tomorrow, I start my first day back in school...eleven and a half years after graduating high school...I'm finally going back to school. I'm a bit nervous...but my one class tomorrow is an easy one. It's also the one class that I was surprised had a book for it, Study Skills...go figure. Wednesday is my first day of "real" classes....it'll be my first full day...that will be an interesting day. I'm just hoping that I can keep myself "in check" for the remainder of this week.

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him." (Day 2 Round 2)

2012

Okay, so it's now a new year...woo hoo. Lack of enthusiasm was intentional...

Hopefully this year ends up better then last. We're in a new city (again), but this time on the opposite side of Washington. I'm starting school in just a few days. If I can get my emotions in check then all will be good. I was going to change the web address to this blog, but I'm not. RJ doesn't believe in "New Years Resolutions"...I've come to discover he doesn't believe in much of anything. He doesn't believe in saying "Good Luck" to someone because he doesn't believe in "luck"...he doesn't allow Bug to believe in "Santa", "the Easter Bunny", "the Tooth Fairy", or anything like that because "they're not real and it would be lying to her"...yet she can have an imaginary "friend".
Anyhow....

I'm making a "New Year's (I guess you could say) Resolution"...I'm going to work on improving the way I view myself and figure out who I am as an individual. I'm not going to be who "others" want me to be just because they're not comfortable with part of who/what I am. I'm going to discover the real me and be comfortable with me. If I loose friends because of it, I will learn to be okay with that too.

"God loves me for me and I'm important to Him." (Round 2 Day 1)