"Are you okay?"

Ahhh...the inevitable question that I'm constantly asked, "Are you okay?" I'm never sure how to answer it, especially when I'm not "okay". It's not that I don't want to talk about it...its just I'm not sure how to or where to start.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping since we've moved out here...partly because of how quiet it is, also because my mind won't slow down enough to let me sleep. I've done everything I can to not think about past "issues" so that I can stay focused on what's important...my school work. I found that sometimes when I can focus on something hard enough I'm able to go without any flashbacks...but it's getting harder. Even my walks, music, assignments are hard to keep my focus on without dealing with either feeling, hearing, remembering what happened. It's as though my entire body, soul, being...are all against me. I shut my eyes in hopes of not somehow remembering....and I fail.

Okay...it's such a relative state of being that I'm so used to just responding "I'm fine." I'm unsure how to answer most of the time. There are days that I can give a definite answer that I'm doing okay or good. But today, has been one of those day of "I'm just here" and beyond that I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm smart enough to accomplish this goal I've set out on...I type faster than I can write by hand...I'm not sure I'm going to be able to take notes very well for the class that I REALLY need to be able to. I've gotten the okay from the instructor to use a recording device for her class...now it's just a matter of getting one (hopefully by Tuesday). Then I've got other things to make sure I get done...I've got to work twice as hard as most others to get half as far, education wise. I'm willing to do the work, but I'm not sure how successful I'm going to be. I've never allowed Bug's or RJ's "disabilities/difficulties" to be used as an excuse for them education wise or for anything else...and I'm not going to allow myself to use mine. I have to figure out how to work through 'em.

"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."