I feel all alone. In the back of my mind, I know that I'm not alone...I've got family and friends that care about me. But it's hard to explain...I still feel alone. I can't talk to my husband about the things that I feel, things I go through, things I struggle with almost everyday...he wouldn't understand. As I write "he wouldn't understand" I hear my brother's voice in the back of my head going "how do you know?" To be honest I can't say 100% that I know for sure he wouldn't understand...its just, I don't feel like I can talk to him about issues pertaining to my sexuality. That's just something that I don't bring up with him, because I've noticed that it tends to make him uncomfortable when I bring up anything on that subject matter...so I just don't anymore. If it doesn't make him uncomfortable it makes him upset or irritated (I mentioned a few days ago about some of the remarks that I've been having to deal with from other students, he got a bit upset/irritated about it). I've gotten to the point of making sure that I have my headphones on with music playing when I'm walking to and from class, so that I don't have to hear anything that is said by other students, I figure if someone has something important to say to me they'll make sure that they have my attention first. I figure if I listen to my music and don't look up at anyone then people will just leave me alone. Yeah, it doesn't help with the feeling of being all alone, but it'll help with not having to listen to the ignorance of others.
I just wish I could find the person I was, when I was back in high school...the person that wasn't afraid all the time, was sure of herself, didn't care about what others thought or said...I often wonder where that person went? If I could just find and be that person again...things would be different. Things would be easier. Life would be easier.
Life would be livable.
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