Today has been, for the most part a pretty good day. Emotionally I've been able to, again for the most part, keep my emotions in check. With the exception of almost crying for no apparent reason, and then crying in front of one of my teachers when talking about my up-bringing and how my family would respond to me making a bad grade on a test. Talking about my mom and how I was treated growing up has been and still is a tough subject for me to talk about. But I have a meeting with her tomorrow to talk about strategies for me to deal with test anxiety, because I get it really bad....it's like my mind goes completely blank once the test is handed to me. More times than not I end up guessing on the test...sometimes I do okay others I completely bomb the freakin' thing. I had that happen to me during my English test that I had the other week. I knew the information...but for the life of me I couldn't remember it.
I'm usually really good at holding it in when I feel the "need" to cry, but lately it's been getting harder....I'm afraid of it getting to the point that I can't hold it in anymore and crying in front of my entire class. I fought to keep it in today...I don't like crying in front of people. I can't even remember the last time I've even cried in front of my own husband and/or daughter. I know that when I cried in front of my brother last month, I was beating myself up (figuratively) for almost two weeks because I felt stupid crying in front of him. The biggest trigger I have for crying is when I get angry. I don't like getting angry to the point of I get upset about getting angry. I know it seems weird to get upset about getting mad, but "emotions" have always been confusing to me. Growing up I've always been told to "suck it up" or "get over it"...everything was always "no big deal" to my mom...to this day she'll tell me to "get over it" if I get upset or mad about something...I wish that I knew how to "deal" with "emotions" better. I'm afraid of Bug not learning how to deal with her emotions properly and her ending up confused like me. I'm trying to teach her that it's okay to express and talk about how she's feeling...it's not easy though. It's up there with explaining to her how babies get into "mommy's tummies"...yeah the wonderful sex talk with my 9 year old who, at times, doesn't 100% understand what I'm trying to tell her...this is a talk that I have NO CLUE as to what to tell her. My mom never gave me "the talk" she handed my sister and I a book on the human body and figured the school's sex ed class would fill in the blanks...yeah. That's not quite the way I want her figuring things out. I just don't know where to start. All I know is I better figure out soon before she starts getting misconstrued information from her classmates.
...where to start???
"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."
I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say...
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