I'm a bit confused as to how I "feel" right now. I know that me going back into counseling is something that I need to do...but I'm not sure it's something I want to do. I know that by going back into counseling I'm going to have to work through some tough things that I've been avoiding. The only way that I know to cope with past "issues" is to just avoid them. Now I'm not only going to have to (eventually) deal with them in therapy but I'm having to do a paper for my Psych class on my "Personal History" which is becoming difficult for me to even write. I'm not sure what I was thinking, if I was thinking when I dropped off the paperwork for me to be seen at the counseling center here on campus. I'm scared of facing my past...I've managed to keep most of it buried this long. I'm worried that if I don't get some sort of "help" that I'll just end up pushing everyone important to me away. But if I do get help and I do discover more of who I am and it ending up tearing my family, my world into shreds. I'm afraid of opening up to someone I don't know...I'm afraid of saying too much in my Psych paper and being judged by my past and what I write about it. I don't like being afraid. I don't like being judged. Every time I've "felt" either of those feelings in the past it has ended unwell, with me getting angry. I don't like getting angry. That's the one "feeling" I'm afraid of, I don't know how to handle being angry. The times that I've witnessed anger out of anyone it ended with someone hurt. I don't want to hurt or hurt anyone else...I've often been accused of being "emotionless", "not having any tear ducts", and even "heartless". It's not that I am without emotion, I just don't know how to show emotion so I avoid doing so as much as possible. At times I've been accused of being "standoffish" and it's only because I'm afraid of getting to be too close to anyone. I'm shocked that when T asked to "be my big brother" I said "yes". Not that I don't want him to be my brother...its not something that I would "normally" had agreed to. I'm glad to have him as my brother. He's more family to me than my own (blood related) family. I feel comfortable being myself around him and his family, which I can't say about my parents or sister. They've shown me what it's like to be accepted no matter what. I just wish I knew more people like them...I wish there were more people as wonderfully accepting as they are, but alas they are a rare breed.
"God loves me and accepts me for who and what I am, and I'm important to Him."
"I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say."
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