The Game

If all this life is, is a game...then where are the rules?

I am but a pawn in this game of life....as I am the weakest of all the pieces.

Since this appears to be the case....

....Check Mate.

Maybe I am...

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past several days...with this move and all, I haven't had much time to do anything else really. We moved up here with not much money in our pockets and what we thought would be enough to hold us over until RJ got a job. Then we got here...I had to get some paperwork taken care of before we could get the apartment key, paperwork turned into money having to be put out to finalize my registration...then deposit for the apartment (which I was 1/2 way expecting the deposit). After all was said and done, we didn't even have enough to put gas in the moving truck to return the truck...thankfully my brother was able to help us out with that. I just really hate depending on others where I should have taken more money going out into account. I don't want us to end up like M.H&T.H(J) who have/do depend on everyone for just about everything...I don't want to appear to be the type of person that is dependent on everyone else to support my family. My family is my responsibility...no one else. Maybe I am stupid...after all this move wasn't completely thought out. We're now, pretty much, broke...neither of us have a job...I'm still trying to get the last bit of my registration finalized...and we have no car (though thankfully almost everything is within walking distance). I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm such an idiot for not thinking this through all the way. I guess they were right....Now my family will have to deal with the situation that my decision has put us into...

I doubt I'll won't be posting anymore after this....

Good bye.

Lonely

I feel so lonely deep inside. I don't know why. I have people that I know care about me and (say they) love me. It's hard to believe everything I'm told. I want to crawl into a dark hole and just disappear. I'm tired of this "life". I just want to make it all go away. I don't know what to do...where to go...who to trust...who not to trust. I hate this "feeling". I wish I could make it stop...make it go away.

I feel all alone.

Razor

People have often said that those who cut themselves do it for attention...well, they're wrong. I should know. Personally, I'd rather just do it and keep it to myself...in fact most of the time that's what I do. I do it to release pain, anger, stress...whatever intense feeling I have at the time that I can not handle. I do it to just "feel" something at times...when I'm not sure that I really am still alive. I used to punch things when I would get angry, now I just cut myself a few times and I "feel" better. I used to cry when I was sad or angry, now I just cut and it all goes away. Doctors will say it's how I "cope"...ok, maybe they're right. I definitely don't do it for attention though. In fact I have a routine...I go to a quiet spot (not always the same place) and try to relax on my own, if I'm not able to I pull out my razor (which I keep hidden) and I cut my wrist twice, if that doesn't help I cut two more times...I do it in twos until I "feel" better, when I'm done I hide the razor, go into the bathroom clean my wrist and bandage it.....then I continue on with my day/evening. No one knows but me. Because I wear long sleeves, no one ever realizes if/when I've cut. No one has to. Not that anyone would care.

I know that there are other ways to cope with emotions. But the way I was raised...I'm not supposed to show emotion. No one cares about my problems or how I feel. My problems are my own and I have to deal with them on my own. If I can't figure out how to I just have to suck it up and keep on going. There are times though that I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I can't sleep...I'm clinging to my mask, hoping no one sees through it...I need to get through this move.

I want to get away from this life...
it's not worth living it anymore....

I've already pulled the razor out more than once since being back here...it's starting to not hurt anymore. But seeing the blood flow down my arm helps me realize that I am still alive. I've had to cut more often to "feel" anything lately. I don't care what people think. I'm surviving this "life" that's not worth living...They don't know the hurt I feel. They don't live through the flashbacks I have. If they did they would agree, my life is worthless...I continue to live for my daughter. She's the only thing I have left to live for.

For now....

I live for her.

What Was I Thinking?!?!?

Well, today couldn't have gone much more...interestingly. I spoke to my sister, probably a huge mistake, today. I can't say that there was much talking on my part...except for the part where we agree that when she (our mother) interacts with Bug she's not the same woman that raised us, "she's just an old woman trying to get her way into heaven" to quote my sister. Essentially she told me that our mother has been really upset lately, she feels as though I'm trying to shut her out of my life. I explained to her that I'm not trying to shut her out of my life, that I just need my space...I need to focus on where I want to go with my life. I need to focus on myself, my husband and daughter without any outside influence. I explained to my sister why I haven't called our mother and that if she'd of been more civil when talking to me, regardless of the situation, then things wouldn't of ended up the way that they are right now. I then attempted to call my mother, only to talk to my step-dad and have to listen to him about how my mother's been "crying all day" about "something to do with facebook among other things". When I asked if she was available, apparently she had locked herself in her room (no they don't share a room) and apparently "has been sleeping all day". I tried to call her on her cell phone and it went to voice mail...I did leave a pleasant voice message and let Bug wish her "Merry Christmas" on the voice mail. I tried.

But the thing that's got me a bit worried...she hasn't called me back yet. She's un-medicated bipolar. I've seen her do some dangerous things when she's in a severe low. She's mixed medication that shouldn't be taken together with alcohol...I may be upset with her. But I still care and worry about her.

The other thing that's got me thinking, if she was really worried about me cutting her out of our lives (mine and Bug's) why would she delete Bug off of her FB account. I never took her off of Bug's FB. She took herself off of Bug's and RJ's FB...I only deleted her from my FB account. I don't get her.

I'm so worried about her right now...I'm worried that she's going to do something stupid. If she does something stupid I don't think I'd ever forgive myself.

What now???

...so today has been relaxing. Interesting, yet relaxing. I've discovered something though, RJ bores me. As a person, he's boring. I dare not tell him... He used to be into going out for walks and such, but (for instance) today, all he wanted to do was sleep. Of course I had to agree to go back to the apartment and "relax" for the day...it's now 6pm and he's just now up. Oi!

To top all matters...
I'm starting to question my love for him. I'm not sure if my "feelings" for him are the same or even close to that of any of my ex's. There are more times lately that it's hard to even tolerate him. His attitude lately, towards not only me but Bug too. He's been...a jerk. I've tried being nice to him...but I give up. It doesn't help. From this point on...I'm going to be me. Regardless of how it makes him feel. I'm so sick of him and his attitude. He says he wants me to be me...but then when I am, he gets this attitude about it. I'm not going to hide who I am anymore. Not for anyone. I think he's afraid of me "turning" Bug gay...I had asked him once (a while back) if she, later on in life, came to us saying that she likes girls would he blame me? He, quite bluntly, said "yes." When asked why..."because you're the only one who would allow her to make that choice." Now, it's like if I slip and say that I find another female beautiful or attractive (usually referring to an actress on tv) he gets super ticked...especially if Bug's in the room. He's worried about me "turning Bug gay"...ummm...hate to break it to him, but you can't make someone gay.

Maybe I'm just a little overly stress over this move and trying to figure out who I am. One thing I do think I know, I'm definitely not straight, I don't think I'm bi either...which makes things very hard right now. It makes where I'm at right now in life very difficult.

Where do I go from here???
What next???

Sick

Ok, so I've come to the conclusion that my body hates me. I always tend to get sick at the worst time possible. Like right now, we're trying to get everything packed up because we're moving in 5 days. I don't have the strength to help.

Listening to my Youtube play list, there's one song that really hits how I feel and it's funny because one of my ex's posted it on my FB page (I believe) a week ago. PInk's F**kin' Perfect.

"Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me"

There are days that I (because of the years of people telling me) feel like I'm not worth any more than the dirt on the ground. But thanks to my (true) friends, brother, husband, and daughter...I'm starting to realize that the people that had me believing that for all those years are the ones that are wrong. I may not be "perfect" in their eyes...but to those who are my TRUE friends, my brother, my husband, and daughter...I'm perfect being me. I'm loved. I'm accepted...just as I am. I'm "perfect to them, because "I'm an imperfect perfect child of God". I just pray that God helps me to see what those who care about me most see in me. To understand better who I really am. I had gotten upset about some harassing messages that I had received on FB and changed my FB page last night...but after thinking about it and realizing that if I change my page because of other people, then I would be allowing them to win. It's MY page, where I get to express myself. I can not allow other people's views or opinions dictate what I put on my FB page. I'm trying to figure out who I am as a person.

I need to be....me :)

Chaos

These past few days have been, chaotic...for lack of better words. Trying to get everything packed and trying to get my school stuff situated...RJ and I are about at each others throats. I know it's because of stress. But his attitude doesn't help me "calm down" (as he's stated I need to do). To top all matters off...I'm starting to come down with, I believe, a cold. I hate feeling sick. I hate not being able to get any sleep without shoving medication into my body. I can't seem to sleep without taking NyQuil. I feel like crap, the cold isn't helping, I can't sleep...when I do I have to deal with nightmares/flashbacks. I know I need to work through them...but right now??? Seriously?!?!? Any time is better than now. Then again it doesn't help that while I'm figuring out who I am, I have to deal with the stress of loosing my family. My mom obviously has no wish to be in contact with me anymore...and it's starting to seem as though my dad and step-mom feel the same. RJ made a comment that shocked me the other day, I told him about some changes I made to my FB account and he said, "It's about time." I think that he only made that comment to humor me. His comments today about the matter pointed to that. I care a lot about him...but in the same I can't stand to be around him. It's as though he just tolerates me. He says he "loves" me...but at the same time He can't stand who I am or what I represent. The part of me that I've had to hide all these years, I feel as though I have to continue to hide when I'm around him...he makes me feel as though I need to be ashamed of that part of who I am. Ever since I told him that I'm not sexually attracted to him. I told him that I'd never lie to him...but now it's like I can't be honest with him either. I can't win for loosing. I'm still not sure if I'm attracted to both men and women, bisexual, or if I'm only attracted to women, lesbian....I'm afraid to further look into myself to figure out that part of me. as far as anyone knows or I tell anyone, I'm bisexual...it's easier. I know that things aren't always meant to be easy...but I'm tired of having to deal with RJ's attitude and views of "homosexuality is a choice". It has taken everything I have not to go back to "old habits" through all this stress and through all the "emotions" that I've been going through these past almost two weeks.

What I want, I can not do...
What I wish, I can not have...

In time...
It will all come...

Light Beyond Darkness

Well, I got good news today. I've been accepted into WWU....granted under academic probation. I have to take 3 remedial courses and a study skills class my first quarter. But, two of the remedial classes I can (potentially) test out of on the first day...Heck...I've got my foot in the door, and that's what matters most. I'm going to be a bit busy first quarter...getting used to being back in school again. I have classes every day. My "easy day" will be Tuesday, because I only have one class. But even with only have one class, it's not going to mean I can be lazy and not study or work on other assignments. I need to do my best to stay focused and keep my GPA as high as I can. I need to do this for me so that I can get into the masters program that I want to get into. I have to start off doing good, not goof of....slide by and then bust ass the last year to get my GPA up. I need to keep it up throughout my undergrad studies. I'm not going to allow myself to do less then my absolute best.

I mailed out the total remaining amount that I owed my mom and step-dad last week, and they received it (I'm thinking) yesterday and deposited it. Since the discussion between my mom and I this past weekend and me taking her off of my FB, she has since removed Bug (her ONLY grand-daughter) and RJ from her FB page...but you know what, that's all on her. I don't care, RJ doesn't care...and Bug won't notice because she just goes on to play whatever game she's into at the time. The incubator has made her decision....like she told me growing up, I was an "oops" I wasn't planned...which with the way I was treated I could tell I wasn't wanted. Now that I know the truth, my dad was supposed to get custody of me after the divorce....it makes me realize that she only retained custody of me to piss my dad off...

Now I'm an adult. I'm not going to allow her to treat me like I'm lesser of a person then she is. I am working on bettering myself so that I can provide a better life for my daughter. I'm doing this so that I can become a better person for me. Now to just get past all the bumps in the road before school starts.....

Now I just need to find some furniture....
*Bed (for RJ and I)
*Table w/chairs (Dining or folding)
*Dresser(s) (for RJ and I)
*Tall Book Shelf

craigslist might just be my new best friend...

1 Week Left

I didn't realize how overwhelming and chaotic this packing endeavor was going to be. Thankfully Bug has taken on packing her own room, I'm just hoping that she actually finishes it by Friday. Heck I'm hoping we are able to get enough boxes to finish packing. Most of the boxes we've managed to get are not very big, so it's become a bit challenging getting stuff packed. I know it'll get done one way or another...it's just the challenge of getting the boxes to get it all done. I may have to get a bit creative with doing this.

I spoke with the person from admissions this morning, and was supposed to call him back before 5p but b/t packing and Bug's appointment by the time I realized I had to call him it was 5:15p (too late to call him today). So, I'm going to give him a call tomorrow morning. Even though I think I'm accepted...I'm still nervous. I'm holding off on posting anything on FB until I have a definite yes or no. Either way, we're moving in a week....where we'll live depends on tomorrow's phone call. I wish I had the support of my family, but alas...I don't. Makes me focus on what's important though, why I'm really doing this and the fact that I'm putting my faith that God will provide everything that is necessary for this endeavor to be possible.

Though my stress level is rather high...I'm trying not to let it drag me down, which REALLY isn't easy.

Oi!

So, today was hella' busy...I hate days like this. I've been so, oddly, stressed all day...and because of this I know have a really bad migraine. I'm having trouble even seeing straight (no pun intended). I know that I shouldn't be stressed. I'm trusting that everything is going to work out. God's got this under control. Everything will work out in His time. I can't expect this to work out in "my time"...He has His timing on everything. I'm betting that He's looking down and laughing at me worrying about everything...going "watch this." Then again I've known He's got a sense of humor since the day my daughter was born after being told that they were 99.9% SURE I was having a BOY...so...needless to say. With God, there's never a dull moment....

I knew when I had an almost 45 minute discussion with God on the flight home that this move wasn't going to be "smooth sailing"...I just never pictured that the "bumpy road" was going to be dealing with my family or learning that none of them are supportive of my going back to school. But, either way...I'm going to do this for ME. And I know that this will all work out....with God all things are possible :)

Blind Faith

Well, I called the admissions person from WWU and he explained to me (just like on Friday) that he's going to scan my transcripts from HS and have the other members of the admissions board vote on if I should be admitted under "academic probation". I'm supposed to call him back (again) tomorrow, hopefully he'll hear back from everyone by then. Other then that, I spent most of my morning in the DSHS office reporting that RJ has no income and trying to get everything adjusted before the move next week. I can't believe we're doing this...on blind faith non-the-less. We've hit so many bumps in the road this past week it's crazy. The major "bumpy road" being my family. Originally it started off that I had my dad and step-mom's support and then come to find out, we don't. Come to find out...none of my family is supportive of this decision. Right now, that's fine...I'm not doing this for them. For once, I'm doing this for ME! My decision to go back to school is for me, no one else. I need to do this. I've put this off for everyone else for SO long...I'm not going to put it off any longer. The odd thing, the school I God chose...isn't one that four years ago if asked I would have even considered going to...But this is the school I feel drawn to...so it's where I'm going to go.

...all on blind faith...

Ahhhh!!!!

I'm not sure if I'm going to survive between now and the move without having a nervous break-down. I took my mom, sister, and brother-in-law off my FB today after dealing with her harassment for the past five days. Apparently all she is worried about is money, which is fine. Because since that's all she's concerned about, I don't need that kind of stress in my life right now. I figured out how to block her from being able from being able to message me on FB as well as re-adding me. I need to focus on staying as stress-free as possible and focus on getting moved. Though in the few hours that RJ and I worked on packing today, we got almost the entire back room packed up and Bug got her room almost done. Tomorrow, we're going to work on the front room and try to get it done before her volleyball game tomorrow night. My goal is to have everything packed by Friday. I really don't want to have to deal with packing during Christmas weekend...let alone the last few days in the apartment. The only thing I want to have to focus on, on Monday is cleaning the apartment. Tuesday we get the truck and load it and then early Wednesday we take off for Walla Walla. Now, if we "safely land" in College Place or if we "crash land" in College Place is lying on a prayer as to tomorrow's "news" of if I'm accepted into WWU or not. I'm hoping and praying that I'm accepted and we "safely land". I trust that this really is the direction that God wants me and my family to go in. I trust that everything will work out for the best. I'm not going to lie though I'm stressed, worried, and having trouble trusting that all this is going to work out. I'm praying that God helps me to trust Him and that He makes everything to work out for the best.

I just hope that I don't end up having a nervous break down...

before making it to Walla Walla....

...yet another day....

...yet another day...

Not sure what to say besides the fact, I feel like crap (emotionally). I'm nervous about tomorrow...the guy from admissions is supposed to email all the board members to vote on if I should be accepted into the University or not, under academic probation...due to the fact of my 2.4(7) GPA and missing a math class on my transcripts. Apparently you need at least a 2.5 to be automatically accepted and they require 3 specific math classes taken in H.S which I only have 2 of the 3 because back when I was in H.S the guidance counselors didn't give a crap about students...I think they were just tired of seeing me because of me being a "troubled student". But admissions isn't going to care about what kind of trouble I had back in H.S all they care about is getting their money and if they think I'll succeed or not. They probably don't even care if I'll do everything I need to in order to pass my classes, pay my tuition, and prove myself to be a "good student". Either way, accepted or not, come the 28th we're moving down there...I'm scared of not having a place to move into when we get there. We're barely going to have the money for this move in the first place. RJ's paycheck this past Friday was just enough to pay the 2 bills, tithe, pay for Bug's volleyball trophy, and put $50 towards the move...I'm running on faith. But it's hard to when for every step forward we take, we seem to be taking two steps back. RJ's now sick and he's having to go to a walk-in clinic...I think it's his asthma again, but there's no telling. I'm doing everything I can not to have a repeat of yesterday....I want to cut myself again, but in the same I don't. I feel like I'm being torn in two directions. I don't want to because I don't want to face Bug again and I don't want to have to talk to my brother again either. I'm enough trouble for my own family...I don't want to keep being a bother to him as well. He has his family that he has to worry about. I don't want him to have to worry about me as well. I'm sick of how I feel, who and what I am. I managed to break the news to RJ last night that the one major "turn off" for me about him was the one part that makes him a guy. I'm not sure how he took it because he just gave me this odd look and went off to playing his video game. I apologized to him, I do feel bad about it. He thinks it's because of my past and all. I told him that I didn't think it was, that it's just part of who I am. He hasn't talked to me much this morning, which I can't say I blame him. I wouldn't talk to me either. This is a part of me that I hate. Because of this part of me, when people find out they usually don't talk to me anymore. I often get told that it's "against God's law", "the Bible says it's a sin", how can I consider myself "Christian" and "choose" this type of lifestyle...I've been told SO many times that I'm going to Hell because of who I "choose" to be. What scares me is the fact that the hatred that "kids" showed when I was in school hasn't gotten any better over the years, it's actually gotten worse...

Got a call from my mother...she managed to block her # so I couldn't tell it was her calling. I tend to pick up my phone if it shows the # as being "Restricted" because it could be an automated appointment reminder for Bug's dr's office and I know she has a medication appointment this coming week (just not sure what day). So glad to know the only thing that woman is concerned about is money...I ended up hanging up on her after telling her that it's in the mail. I'm not sure, at this point, if I'm even going to tell her about us moving...I'm, at this point, considering changing my phone number after the move. I don't know if I want to be in touch with any of my family anymore. It's become apparent that they don't care to be in touch with me for any pleasantries...why should I allow them to drag me down, when I'm doing a good enough job on my own. I don't need any help dragging myself any further down into the mud. I can't believe I hung up on her...

I feel like hell...
What I want to do, I know I shouldn't....
It's so hard....

Lost and Lonely

I feel so lost in this dark and lonely "world". I feel like someone who has been battered and beaten and left for dead. Like an empty shell. I don't know which way is up or down. I don't know how to feel...I tried cutting today and for a split moment, I "felt" guilty about it...and then it was like I was just here and nothing else. I should be excited about moving. But instead I'm terrified. I've got no family support on this endeavor. I thought I had my dad and step-mom's support on this, but after the email that I received today...I now know that I don't. Supposed I could, possibly, thank my mother for that one. Considering she tends to get into things when she's least welcome. I did manage to get the full amount we owe her put into the mail on Friday...so once she gets that she'll leave us alone.

I'm so, emotionally, lost. I tried calling my brother and talking to him, and now I feel guilty about disturbing his time with his family. His son's in town for a short while, from school, and I took part of that time from him. I'm just going to keep to my writing from now on. I don't think I'll be doing much, if any (actual) talking for a while. I seem to have an easier time expressing myself through my writing any way.

I...hate the way I feel. It's hard to explain the emptiness I feel inside. I want to cry, but I can't. I have to stay strong for my family. If I loose it now...it'll prove my inability to cope with stress and my inability to handle being able to go back to school. If I can't handle "everyday" stress what makes me think I can handle the stress of going back to school??? I hate this...I hate myself.


...I wish I had the strength to make this all go away....

Stress

So, I'm running on next to no sleep...again. RJ quit his job. My mom thinks I'm ignoring her call because I owe her money, which that's not the case (one of the times that she called today I was in a meeting). I just don't want to talk to her. And 1/2 the money I owe her is in the mail anyhow, the other 1/2 will be in the mail no later then next Friday. I explained to them that it would get paid back once we have it...Then the whole thing of me going back to school blew up and I quit talking to them. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep...every time I close my eyes I have a bombardment of flashbacks (I either hear, feel, or see flashes of memories from different flashbacks)...I'm not sure how I'm going to handle RJ being home all the time now. This will be interesting.

I'm going to take something for my migraine and try to relax for a few...

Untitled Poems

Weeping willow why you weep
In your beauty and majesty
Weeping willow help me now
I need an end
but I know not how
Weeping willow I hurt so bad
my heart is crying
because I am sad
Weeping willow the blood flows deep
make it to end
my misery
Weeping willow the end is near
the pain is here
with all the fear
Weeping willow understand
I have no control
of my own hand
Weeping willow help me now
I wish an end
to this life right now



This thing called life
I do not understand
There is so much pain
There is so much shame
I hurt so bad
bud don't know why
I hate so much
but don't know who
I want to end this thing called life
but fear hurting too long
I want it to be quick
I wish it to be swift
I want to end the pain
I want to end the shame
I want to end the anger
I fear it happening...

....today.

¿Y ahora qué?

I feel like such an idiot. I turned in my notice with my apartment complex that we'll be moving, I also started informing all of my daughter's doctors/therapists that we'll be moving, and then I decided to let RJ know about how I know I feel about him and the reason behind it (because of his "betrayal") and that I would like to try to work on our relationship and try to get this to work. The first thing we NEED to work on is "trust". I need to be able to trust him. I have to know when I tell him "no" that he's going to take it as "no". I did a lot of apologizing to him and told him that if he decides that after all I said, he doesn't want to sign his GI Bill over to me that, that's his ultimately his decision and I will respect his decision no matter what it is.

I'm not sure what's been going through my mind or what I was thinking...I don't know what was going through my mind when I didn't choose to wait until after the move to "break" this news to him. I guess I was just trying to be "fair" to him. I......

I'm such an idiot!!!

Vida vs. Amor

Now that I've had a break from this place and am able to "take a step back and look at things" I'm discovering how close-minded the people I live near REALLY are. Oh my gosh! So, yesterday I got to talking with one of my neighbors about the move that my family is getting ready to take. And I had mentioned that I'm going to be going into psychology and while I'm at it I'm going to take some Spanish classes, because the area that I'm going to be living has a lot of Hispanic people (more than where I live now). She made a comment that they should learn "our" language and that I shouldn't have to learn theirs. I managed to change the subject to the first thing that popped into my head, politics HUGE mistake). We got to talking about how we each think things are going for this candidacy...and some of the things that the different people who are running for president are for and against. She made it VERY clear that she doesn't plan on voting for Obama because he's black. Which I figured because of the fact that she has many times stated that she's racist (she won't deny it either)...and that's her choice. But as we get into discussing things...she made a comment about how she doesn't agree with the fact that he's even considering passing the same sex marriage "thing"(as she called it). Which I made comment that gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders all deserve equal rights just as anyone else. Needless to say that discussion went down hill from there...I about "outed" myself between her remarks of "fags, homos, lesbos..." I held everything in because if I'd of started saying anything, I'd of lost it. But apparently (or at least according to her) they choose to be that way...REALLY?!?!? So, I chose to get my knee almost broken by the base ball team? I chose to get harassed on a daily basis??? I chose to get raped by "men" who thought they could "fuck me straight"???? I don't know anyone that would CHOOSE to go through what I did...hell what I still go through. Sorry, but close minded people like that...absolutely infuriate me. I know right now while I'm figuring out "who I am"...I really can't risk outing myself. That and I don't want people to know...mostly because it's none of their damn business.

It was weird being home with RJ. In figuring out who I am...I also need to figure out how I feel about him. My brother explained "love" to me this way:

"First, there's agape. This type of love is an unconditional love for another human being. Some people would call this "like", but it is more difficult than that. This is a genuine regard for someone because they are a child of God, or human.

Second. Phileo. This is a love that is a love between siblings or VERY close friends. This is why Philadelphia is the "city of brotherly love" because that is exactly what the name means.

Third. Eros. This type of love is a sexual type of love. It is a type of lust, but a little deeper than that. It is the type that says "I want you", and to mean not just sex, but a total, complete intimacy, also involving sex."

Now I know that I (agape) love RJ...and I know that I care about him and his feelings. But, I don't think know if I (eros) love him. I know I've felt that love a long time ago...but that person is no longer alive. I'm scared. I'm having to figure out who I am, while I'm working on going back to school...I want my daughter to be raised by both of us, but I don't want to continue living with him if I discover that this relationship isn't going to work out. RJ on his last day here told me that he's not sure what he can do to show affection towards me while I'm "discovering" who I am...he asked, "Can I hug you? Can I kiss you? Can I have sex with you?" I explained to him that things are going to probably seem a bit strange before they start to seem "normal" but to answer his questions, "yes, sometimes, not likely. In that order." I explained that it's nothing against him...it's just that, that's where my comfort is right now....I could tell he wasn't happy. Especially with the "not likely" answer. But he wanted my honesty and I gave it to him. The more I think about it the more I'm trying to figure out how do I tell the difference between knowing that I (care about him) love him vs. being in love with him. I wish thing were easy....

Things are NOT black and white...


....I'm stuck with the gray scale in between......

Home Back in Sumner

Okay...so I made it back home to Sumner with my daughter. I SO detest Sumner. I didn't realize how much like crap I feel "living" out here until getting to leave for a while and then having to come back here. I didn't want to come back here...I've got to agree with my daughter, "Sumner doesn't feel like home...Walla Walla feels like home. People are nice there."

I'm just waiting on the final approval from WWU (mainly waiting on transcripts from the HS I graduated from). We're getting the moving truck on the 27th of this month and leaving on the 28th for Walla Walla. I'm trusting that God will put all the necessary things in place, in time, to make this move possible for us. My family is taking a leap cliff dive of faith on this move. Some how...we have the money for the moving truck already. God is good!

I slept well last night, only woke up a few times and was able to fall back asleep without much problem. Heck I turned my alarm off this morning, when it went off, and went back to sleep (totally not like me). I...for the first time in a LONG time can say, I'm excited about something. I can't wait until later this month. Granted we're giving up anyone buying gifts for anyone else...but our Christmas present is this move. Thankfully my daughter understands this and knows how important this move is for the family as a whole.

Oh, cool thing that happened during this trip....I GOT A BROTHER!!!! :) Ok, my buddy T asked me if he could be my big brother...as odd as it seemed to me at the time, now that I've sat and thought about it...it's AWESOME!!! I've never had anyone that wanted to be related to me... Yay!!!

"God, T and his family love me (unconditionally) and I'm important to them."

WWU - Day 4/Night 4

Ok, so even though yesterday wasn't necessarily productive towards my getting back into school...it was still productive. I got to relax some yesterday, which was cool...and yesterday afternoon/evening T and I got to talk, I also discovered that I wasn't able to hold anything in anymore. I've held in all the hurt and anguish for so long, I couldn't take it anymore. I feel a bit embarrassed crying in front of T, mostly because I've not cried in so long. The more I tried to hold it in, the harder it got to hold it in. I know that some of the stuff I told him is stuff that I hadn't told anyone in a LONG time. I'm pretty much "the family secret". When I was out for my sister's graduation (for her undergrad) I had some of her friends say "oh I didn't know you had a sister". The look on my mom and sister's faces said enough to let me know that I don't get mentioned much, if at all. ...you know what? I'm fine with that (now). They can't tell me who to and not to tell what to, when it comes to my past, they're not the ones that have had to live with the memories this entire time. I have and I'm going to work through them so that I can live my life.

I also discovered how, weird, it feels for someone to tell me that they "love" me and "accept" me for "who" I am. I've never had anyone (other than those I've dated) tell me or express that to me. I wasn't sure how to take it at first. I'm still a little baffled by it...but I know that T wouldn't lie to me, so I accept that's how he and his family feel. The other weird thing is he asked if he could be my pseudo-brother, seeing that the only "family" I have (for the most part) treat me like crap. It took me a bit to take in...but I said "yes". So, I guess I have a big brother now :)

I did manage to get some decent sleep last night...of course I did fall asleep in tears, mostly because I was still dealing with a lot of the emotions from T and I talking...but I slept, and the times I did wake up all I had to do was get a drink of water and I fell right back to sleep. Most mornings I've been waking up feeling blase...yesterday and today...I feel "hopeful".



"God and T's family love me and accept me for who I am and I am important to them."

Walla Walla- Day 3/Night 3

Well, yesterday went quite well. Thanks to T and his WONDERFUL family, it was quite relaxing and enjoyable. I actually fell asleep last night before midnight and slept almost completely through the night (not sporadic). I woke up once and was able to fall back asleep without any issues. I don't think I've had that happen in quite some time now. It felt great to get some real sleep. I don't even remember anything that I dreamed about, which for me is great too. It's so weird. I'm on my last full day here and I finally feel like I can somewhat relax. Figures.

Any how...

Ali's decided she doesn't want to even go back to Sumner, and I've got to agree with her...something about this area, it does kind of feel like "home". I'm not sure I want to go back to Sumner...I know we have to, to get stuff packed and moved...but I almost want to say "fuck it" and figure a way to pay someone to move us, though it would cost WAY too much to pull that off.

The next two weeks are definitely going to be interesting to see what miracles I "pull out of my hat". Because in order for this move to work...I have to come up with housing, money to move, and money for housing....oh and I have to get Financial Aid/Grant money applications submitted and approved so that I can pay for not only my schooling, but my books (one of the books T showed me that I'll likely need was over $100). So, yeah...I'm a bit nervous...but I'm putting this all in God's hands that it'll work out and this move will go...smoothly.

My husband and I talked last night, because I don't think he quite understood the extent of things when I told him that I need to figure out who I am, the first time. So, we talked for almost an hour and I re-explained it to him. I also explained to him that if I come across sounding "harsh" when I'm talking to him that I don't mean to...it's something I'm working on. My daughter's problem is, she can read emotion...mine is kind of the opposite, I can read it (though I'm incorrect probably 95% of the time) I have trouble expressing it correctly. I was raised in a manner that I wasn't allowed to express emotion. I explained that to him the best I could, and I think he understood what I was getting at. I also explained that in order to figure out who I am...I need to start making my own decisions...which I (agape) love T to death , but he's driving me nuts (which I'm starting to believe is his goal). This man is (literally) making me make a decision on just about everything...I feel like I'm going to go crazy. But I explained to my husband that growing up I was told everything from; how to feel, to how to act, what to wear, who I was (when I came out to them especially), who to vote for (my first time voting), even at one point...what college I was to go to...so when he "proposed" to me by saying "I'm going to marry you" my response (for me) was "normal" because for all those years I was used to being told what to do. Heck even being in the military I was told what to do, how and when to do it. Now it's me learning who I am and how to make my decisions. Not easy. But luckily our conversation went well. I explained to him that in the process of figuring out who I am, I need to figure out how I really feel about him, which I could tell by his voice he's nervous about (I can't say I blame him)...I explained to him that our buddy T made a very good point. Yes, we may have agreed to not consider divorce until our daughter is 18 or graduates high school (whichever happens last), but that would not only be unfair to us (living together in an unhappy relationship) but it wouldn't be fair to her either. I assured him that I'm not necessarily thinking about it now, but if it does come down to it...we have to agree upon it and we can't part ways the way our parents did (we both come from divorced parents where the divorce went poorly). Right now all I asked him for was time. Time to figure things out...who I am....

....He agreed.

"God loves me and I'm important to Him." (Day 22)

Weird (WW - Day/Night 2)

Yesterday went well, I guess. I made it through all my appointments, though I don't remember them all...I hate when I have days like that. I feel so....lost. I'm trying to figure out, "what the hell am I thinking?" I'm looking at going back to school, and I don't even have myself (mentally) in check. To top all matters off I'm going to be studying psychology...how ironic is that going to be? But...over all the campus is beautiful, it's a small town that is absolutely gorgeous (even in the fog). We're looking at moving up here at the 1st of the year, and I think it'll be a good move for all of us.

I got a chance to talk to T and his wife about being listed as (essentially) my daughter's "God parents", just in-case something happens to my husband and I and we are either no longer capable of taking care of her (due to physical injuries or what not) or because of untimely death they would get custody of her (because quite frankly neither of us trust our biological families) and after discussion amongst themselves (as a family) they said yes. To be honest, I dare say, they are more like family to me than my own family. I at least feel safe around them.

I got a chance to talk to T about a few of the things that have been bothering me, mostly the missing time. I've never fully understood it. I know I was dx'd with D.I.D but even through all the research I've done on it...I'm not sure how much I believe it or not. I'm not sure if it's because I'm skeptical of the dx or because I'm scared of the possibility. Either way, T was able to explain it to me in a way that was......less frightening.

I know that T and I will likely have at least one more talk like we did last night before I leave...I just hope to be able to remember all of it.

It's strange...I remember us talking and walking back to the guest housing and all...I don't remember laying down going to sleep. I woke up at one point to what I thought was someone knocking on the door to my room. I went to answer it and no one was there, even though I heard someone saying "hello?" I think I may actually be finally loosing my mind. I don't know. I woke up again this morning to the same thing, the sound of someone knocking on the door to my room and when I went to answer...no one was there but a voice saying, "hello?"

It was weird last night, because usually in my dream/flashbacks I'm reliving the "incidents" that I've been through...last night it was as though I was watching it happen to me. It's hard to explain except for it was like I was there watching not having it happen to me. It was hard. I still don't understand how people could tell someone that they love 'em and then do what they did. I hate my life at times....I'm not sure if it's "I hate my life" or "I hate what people put me through, throughout my life."

Either way...I'm confused. I'm scared......

We're angry.

Walla Walla - Night 1

Well, last night pretty much went as expected....I tried to lay down to get some sleep and couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. So, I ended up giving in and taking one of the sleep aides and it did nothing...except when I FINALLY did fall asleep the dreams/nightmares/flashbacks were worse. Now I'm not sure if it was because of the sleep aide pill I took or the fact that I'm in an unfamiliar place. Either way, I'm not sure I'm going to take the sleep aide pill anymore while I'm here. Heck, I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get while I'm here. The only comfortable spot I could find to lay down was the chair/ottoman that they have here in the room. I couldn't get comfortable on the bed or the floor, and I can usually fall asleep just about anywhere. I've been up for almost two hours now....couldn't fall back asleep after waking up at four thirty this morning. I hate my mind. Some people have sharp memories when it comes to everything, others remember all the good stuff that they've been through in their lives...me? I remember all the bad things...all the really fucked up stuff that happened. That's not to say that I don't remember some of the good things. I remember my first "real" kiss, I was (about) 9 or 10 y/o and it was the girl next door that I had the hugest crush on (was also my first crush). I remember the day my daughter was born, it was Easter Sunday...it had been raining all morning, and then the doctors came in and decided that because it had been almost 30 hours since they had induced my labor and I still hadn't dilated any further that they were going to do an emergency c-section...right when they wheeled me out of my room into the O.R, it stopped raining and the sun came out...it was the coolest thing. But majority of my memories, that I can recall are of when I was molested by my uncle and cousin and of the rapes....I don't want to remember them anymore. I know the only way to get past them is to work through them...but I've tried. I've tried writing about them...it doesn't work. I know it'll "take time" but I'm not sure how much time I have. I feel like I'm going to loose it.

Hopefully today goes well...my morning looks like it's going to be pretty busy, which I guess is a good thing.

I just have to remember....


....breathe.

Walla Walla - Day 1

Ok, so I made it to Walla Walla in one piece (so to speak). Though the airport in Seattle was PACKED for it being (considered) mid-week...but I guess that's partly because of how close to the holidays we are. Then there was the airplane. I don't think there were more than 4-6 empty seats in the airplane...and it was a SMALL plane. I hate flying. I guess that has to do with the fact that I really don't like small enclosed places (claustrophobic).

But thankfully I was greeted at the airport by my friend T. I would have been ready to leave the airport the second the plane landed, if it weren't for the fact that I ended up checking our luggage in. After we left the airport T played "tour guide" and showed me different points of interest between Walla Walla and College Place...which was neat. I had been told that the area is a really "small town"...and it's cute/quaint. I'm supposed to be "relaxing" but it's hard to do with my mind going a million different directions and not wanting to slow down. I brought some over the counter sleep aides with me for "just in case" so that I do get sleep and don't run on steam this entire trip...I just don't want to have to depend on a pill for me to get sleep. I guess that's part of the reason that, even though I now have medical insurance, I'm hesitant to go to the doctors about my mood issues...I don't want to depend on medication to "feel" happy or anything. I want to be able to "feel" something on my own. I know it may sound weird...but I hate depending on medication for stuff I SHOULD be able to do on my own.

Other than that, my daughter seems to be enjoying herself. She LOVES the room, but I think that has to do with the fact that she can watch "channels" on the television. We don't have cable or even "rabbit ears" at home on our TV, all we have is our Xbox360 and Netflix...she can watch something on Netflix or she can watch a DVD. No commercials and I can easily monitor what she watches.

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm nervous about tomorrow. I'm supposed to get a campus tour at nine o'clock, meet up with financial aid and employment at ten, education and psychology adviser at eleven, and then admissions/reimbursement at eleven thirty...oi! I can honestly say...the only one I'm looking forward to is the adviser, T said he's a pretty cool professor (apparently he's worked for him)...it'll also help me narrow down what I want to major in. I think that I have it narrowed down, but then again...I'm not definite on my decision, yet.

"T's God loves me and I'm important to Him. I'm responsible only for my problems."

2 1/2 hours...

Well, I've now been up for two and a half hours...can't fall back asleep, and my mind is doing ninety to nothing (already). I swear waking up at four thirty in the morning in a cold sweat and panic is becoming tiresome. I would have sworn up and down, if asked, that someone had been in my apartment. But, I know that's physically not possible...seeing that all my doors and windows are locked. It was that dream/nightmare/flashback...whatever you want to call it. Either way, I'm tired of it...and I wish it (and all the others) would go away. I don't want my "childhood" memories anymore!!! If you want to even call it that, considering all matters....I was robbed of my childhood when I was young. I hate my family for it! I know I shouldn't say that...but if they'd payed more attention to the obvious signs instead of putting it off as "I wasn't applying myself" or telling me to "suck it up" and "quit being such a baby"...hell they didn't even notice that in high school I was either drunk, high, or both most of the time...they didn't notice the fact that I wouldn't wear short sleeves even in the summer (and I lived in Louisiana where it gets hot) because I had been cutting the hell out of my wrists and arms...when I started giving all my stuff away to my friends, they didn't notice. At times I wonder if they'd of noticed if I was there or not. I doubt it. At one point I got an offer from a friend of mine's foster mom to stay with her and her family for as long as I needed to...I should have taken her up on the offer. At least she saw that "something wasn't right". It was funny because I was hardly ever home...I was always bouncing from one friend's place to another...the only time I would go home would be to sleep (when I did sleep). I...often wonder what I did wrong growing up for them to treat me the way that they do always have...I guess certain things will always go unknown.

"Tracy's God loves me, and I am important to Him. I am only responsible for my problems."
(Day 18)

Stressed...

Well, today's been...interesting, to say the least. Started off with next to no sleep but I felt pretty well rested most of the day. I tried to rest for a bit mid-day before my daughter's appointment/Christmas party that she had today. That was a mistake for me to go to...I forgot how well I don't do in large crowds...the more I tried to get her to leave the more SHE wanted to stay. I finally had to tell her that "mom can't handle all the people anymore" and that we had to go. By that point I wanted to find some place to hide and not come out (my stress/anxiety level went from about a 6-7 to a 10 by that point). Then by the time we got home I had to feed her dinner and get her ready for volleyball, because she had a game tonight. I'm so thankful that there weren't as many people at the game tonight as there has been at her past games. I can't handle a lot of people at one time right now. The (I guess you could say) nap I took earlier didn't help with my stress level either. I set my alarm so that I wouldn't stay asleep for too long (to keep me from having any dreams) and needless to say that didn't work. I still ended up having a dream/flashback...I was only asleep for about an hour (if that)...I'm starting to hate sleep. I don't want to sleep. I don't need (much) sleep. I can survive b/t now and getting back from my trip on just a few hours of sleep. To top all matters off....my husband is getting back a day early (tomorrow vs. Thursday) so I'm not looking forward to that...I'm not ready to deal with him being home. I don't want to have to deal with him being here...because then I'm going to have to answer the 20 questions of why I don't want to talk to him on the phone and why am I "mad at him" (which I'm not)...I just don't want to have to deal with him right now. I'm going to have to also face him asking "why don't you say 'I love you' to me anymore." I don't want to tell him that it's because I don't know how I really feel about him....

I think I'm starting to loose it...

Who am I?

So, had (yet another) interesting conversation last night with my friend T...it started off as a continuation of our conversation from the night before about my mom/family making the decisions in my life and me taking over my own life (finally)...

T: "So...the question is about your life. Where do you go from here?"

Me: "yeah."

T: "Are you homosexual or bisexual?"

Me: "I (honestly) don't know."

....so now it's down to, who am I really??? I've never been able to really think about who I really am. I've always been told who I am and all....I suck at making decisions for myself and I'm about to check out a University and make one of the most important decisions of my life, going back to school. It scares the hell out of me. I'm scared partly because this is something I've been putting off for a VERY long time...also because some of the people that I thought I would get support from, obviously aren't supportive of me...then there's the part of me that is freaking out, because of the "what if's"....

Then there's the conversation from last night....I honestly don't know if I'm attracted to just women or both. I've had such a fucked up concept of what "love" is growing up....not just from what happened to me, but because of my mom. My parents got divorced when I was about 5 years old, during this process there was a lot of arguing between my parents...a lot of times it was in front of or within ear shot of my sister and I. Then my mom had a few on and off boyfriends, when we moved to Florida I remember living in this house with another woman (a "friend" of my mom's) which I have some partial memories from living there...and then we had moved back to Louisiana and she got back together with one of her past boyfriends, and the arguing between them started and we moved into a place just the three of us, then I was about 10 or 12 when she met her (now) husband and that relationship was on and off for quite some time...they'd be together, then they'd argue and we'd have to move out, and then they got back together...then after I graduated H.S and joined the Navy they broke up again and my mom moved to California to be with this one guy and that was an interesting relationship...then about 8 or 9 years ago she moved back to Louisiana to be with her boyfriend (now husband)...and about a year ago they finally got married...now for the creepy (to me) part, my now step-dad is old enough to be my grand-father. I don't ever think I've seen my mom in a relationship that wasn't full of arguments and where SHE was the one who was ALWAYS right.
I remember times when I was dating and I told my (now ex) girlfriend that I loved her...and looking back at it, I really did mean it. My family said that it wasn't possible for me (at the time) to know what real love is until I knew heart ache...little did they know that by that point I had already suffered heart ache, twice, first time was the hardest...still is. I lost my first "true love" to HIV/AIDS...to this day I still blame myself, I should have gotten sick too...she shouldn't have died alone. Her parents moved when they found out how sick she was. When I got word that she had died, I was banned from attending the funeral...to this day I don't know where/if she was buried. My second heart ache was my ex, SMS, I fell head over heals for her...she was amazing. But then she broke up with me two days before my birthday...turned out she was only dating me to piss off her ex. Funny thing though, we're still really good friends. Now the one guy that I did date for a short while (who ended up taking advantage of me) we "fooled around" once...never anything serious...but that's because it was just.....I don't know how to put it any other way, it was weird. Even with my husband.....I don't know. I guess I'm, almost, glad of the timing of this trip I'm making....usually I have to try to avoid (too much) contact with him for almost a week...this time it'll be (at most) a day and a half, depending on when he gets home. I know it sounds wrong...but him touching me (sometimes) makes me cringe, and I don't know how to get past it. Maybe that'll come in time as I figure out......


.....who am I???

Rambling...again....

It's weird...

I know deep down that my husband really DOES love me. There are times (more often than I care to admit) that when he does tell me "I love you " I not only have trouble believing it, but I have trouble responding. I don't know....maybe on top of having "no tear ducts" I have no heart as well. Either that or it's my coping mechanisms that I've built up over the years just going against me. Who knows??? I just sometimes wish I could "feel" something.

I wish I could go a night without a flashback...without waking up remembering the physical pain, the mental hurt from betrayal, the sickness I "felt" from what they did to me...I've often been told that it's my fault for putting myself into those situations. That I should have known better. I should have told someone. None of that would have happened to me if I wouldn't have chosen the lifestyle I live....If I were just straight, none (or most) of what I went through would have never happened. Maybe that is true, I'll never know. Maybe it is my fault...if I'd of just said something to someone the first time. If I'd of told my grand-parents when my uncle and cousin molested me...none of the other incidents would have happened. Maybe if I'd of told them I would have ended up straight, considering my husband thinks the fact that I'm not is situational (because of everything I've been through). When I came out to my mom (I was in high school), she thought it was "just a phase"...my sister thought I was copying her (needless to say I had no clue at the time that she was bisexual at that point in time)...then I got married and she thinks that it was in fact "just a phase" though my three ex's from high school know better...and of course my friend T that I confided in, they know. It's weird though....I have to watch how I act in public if I glance at someone I have to be careful not to look too long or the "wrong way" because who I am is socially unacceptable. When I go out with friends or family, I try to keep my mind busy so that my focus stays on the people I'm with and no one or nothing else. I hate who I am. People think I chose to be the way I am...I didn't. I am who and what I am because it's the way I was born. I think of it this way, why would someone "choose" to be ridiculed and persecuted because of who they are and whether they like someone of the same or opposite sexual gender, why would someone "choose" to suffer several bruised ribs and dislocated joints??? Really??? If this were something I chose I would have chosen differently for something to be tormented over. I don't know...maybe I am crazy. I just miss when life was simple. I wish I could go back to those times.

...and not live through this hell.

Crazy Day

Ok so my title is a little wacky, but it describes my day...

I had a pretty rough day today. For starters, I didn't get a lot of sleep (which lately isn't unusual)...then I went to the church that runs the Bible Study that my daughter had the issues at. Which was fine because I'm not going to hold a grudge against other people's ignorance. Then today when we got back, we (my daughter and I) went to go clean her room, put up all of her spring and summer clothes and make sure the only thing out is long sleeves and jeans (it's gotten pretty cold here)...with knowing that most of her jeans don't fit (she tried them all on)...then it came down to going through her toys and getting rid of stuff (FUN!) she decided she didn't want to help, which I was fine with because then it just goes quicker...well as I'm doing this I'm discovering toys, (yet more) clothes and other stuff shoved under her bed, so naturally I clean there too...only to discover that she's been hiding food wrappers under there as well. *sigh* frustrated, I called her in to find out why she's got all these food wrappers under there...I get the typical "I don't know" response and according to her "they're from YEARS ago..." needless to say, we've only lived in this apartment for just over a year...her bed was replaced this past spring and her and I have cleaned her room in the past month...aka my kid has no concept on passage of time. So her and I talk and I explain to her if she wants anything to eat all she has to do is ask...and I'll help her pick a healthy choice for a snack (though after talking to T I think it may be something more than the "I was hungry" excuse). So we get past that melt down and the "I hate you" and "I want to go home" (she still looks at my mom and step-dad's house as "home") and we get to going through the stuffed toys (round 3) I got her to stay calm enough to help me go through them so that we can "pick the right ones to find new homes for" out and that we don't pick ones with (weird) sentimental value to her...she grows severe emotional attachments to things and it's hard to get her to get rid of stuff...I often have to clean her room when she's not home so that things get gone through completely. Needless to say today went quite well. I think what helped was keeping her as involved as she was willing to be...

Now, as we were cleaning her room my mom texts me asking her (my daughter's) clothing sizes...I text her back the sizes and just leave it at that. My family tends to send her clothes for the holidays, which works because she's growing (finally). Then not even 10 minutes later (only reason I know is b/c of the time stamp on the text and the incoming call) she calls me (I though was rather odd, b/c I though she was still watching the football game) I answer rather pleasantly (she is my mom) and she starts with the "20 questions" on what school I'm going to visit, why am I not looking at schools closer to where I live, what are we going to do if I get accepted...and when I explain to her that if I get accepted we're going to move there (considering the school is over 4 hours away) and lil one will go back into school. The conversation just goes down hill from there with the "how are you going to afford this that and whatever else"...I don't think she accepts the fact that I'm already looking into how much a moving truck will cost and how much rent will cost....I just...wish she would treat me like I'm an adult. I'm sick of this!!! I about canceled my trip because of her and the stress she's putting me through. I came really close to canceling it...after I hung up with her, I called my husband and told him what happened and that I wasn't going on the trip...he was pretty ticked off about it. And I then called my friend, T, who's been helping me plan this trip and told him I wasn't going...he asked what was going on...needless to say I explained to him what had happened. He explained things to me that I need to quit letting my family run my life (which I know this), and if I let them run my life and cancel the trip then (basically) I'm wasting the money I spent on the tickets because they're non-refundable...he (and my husband) said that I need to take this trip for me, no one else...I'm going to look at a school that I would very much like to attend and I need to remember that this trip is for me; not my husband, not my daughter, not my family...but me. And he's right...I know he's right...it's just hard after all the years of always being told what to do. (my husband will vouch for this one) I suck at making decisions.

...especially for myself.

"Friends are the family that you choose to have." -T

...

Well, sleep has been almost non-existent the past several days. I've been back to only a few hours of sleep...and it's mostly sporadic. Last night was really rough. I fell asleep b/t 1-2am and woke up at about 3:30am and for the life of me I couldn't fall back asleep...until about 6am...and then I only stayed asleep until about 7:30ish and I've been up since then. I'm eventually going to start hallucinating (again) if I don't get some REAL sleep. This is going to be wonderful...I'm supposed to be leaving on Thursday to go check out a college...and I'm supposed to appear to be "normal"...and I'm not getting hardly any sleep. Some of the flashbacks are becoming more and more intense, to make matters more interesting. I've taken a break from drawing, with the exception on the new "assignment" T gave me on Friday evening...I'm supposed to draw a lissajous. I'm thinking T's enjoying tormenting me from a distance. Either that or he's got something "up his sleeve" that he's not sharing. Either way, he's about (I dare say) one of the only TRUE friends I have...My step-dad always told me that when I get older I'll be able to count all my "true" friends on one hand (two if I'm lucky). I can count them on one. But you know what...it doesn't matter.

Frustrated...

Ok...so my daughter went to a "Bible Study" group with a friend of her's this week, and yeah she had a hard time with some of the kids and had a melt down...but she handled it quite well, she went outside and got control of her emotions...

Now come to find out, the other girls were constantly laughing at her during this group meeting...which they're there to learn to be closer to God and to be more like the young people that Jesus wants them to be like....how is laughing at one of the other girl's because she's different being anything like Jesus would want them to be like. Also, come to find out...the girl who invited her, her mom got an email from the leader of this group stating that they're not supposed to be bringing outside visitors to the group meetings that they should wait until Sunday to bring outside visitors. ummm...pardon me, but if Jesus and his twelve disciples were to get together for a meeting and an outsider wanted to come visit their group to see what they were talking about/doing was all about do you think Jesus or any of them would say "no come check us out on Saturday/Sunday???" Really now?!?!?!? Then my daughter's friend got into trouble for sticking up for my daughter when the other girls were laughing at her (they work on a strike system 3 strikes you're out of the group and she got 1 that night)...really, you're going to kick a kid out of a Bible Study group??? Seriously?!?!?!? People...."Christians" like this are what make me question Christianity in general....

Lost

...for the first time in a LONG time I'm at a loss for words as to how I'm "feeling"...it's strange...it's just this huge jumble of emotions hitting me all at the same time. Imagine having a big ball of yarn several different pieces all tangled and interwoven together...now try to untangle them to get separate pieces. That's about where I'm at, and I don't know where to start. One minute I'll want to hit something (for no reason mind you) the next I'm wanting to cry (but I can't won't allow myself)...I think I've hit every emotion except for those having to do with "happy"....all I want to do is curl up into a ball in a dark room (which there are none in my apartment) and hide from the world for the rest of eternity. I don't like this feeling...I don't like any of them. I tried drawing/sketching...I tried listening to music, to get my mind off the thoughts that keep running through my mind...I'm avoiding drawing anymore, because I don't want to draw the memories that are running through my mind. I tried taking a nap, bad idea. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't rest....my mind won't stop. I would "talk about it" but I'm afraid to.

Maybe me going back to school right now isn't a good idea after all...I see it now, I start taking classes and then have a complete break down. That'll look fabulous!!! NOT! Maybe I am just setting myself up for failure. I tend to do that without realizing it any way...I'm just trying to figure out why I chose the majors that I did...psychology and teaching??? I'm told by those I know that they could see me doing either...I'm glad they have faith in me.


I don't.

Alphabet List of Feelings Cont.

New assignment...I'll be updating as I work through each letter....

"From your acrostic, you are to write out (can be on your blog) the stories for each of why you feel each of those feelings. Be as complete as possible."

Okay, so some of these I couldn't come up with something for all of these, partly because of the fact that some of them the words are similar. Others are because the words are self explanatory.

A

Abandoned. I often feel abandoned because the people I loved and cared about the most were never there when I truly needed them. My parents separated when I was about five years old, and even though my dad and I were never REALLY close, I’ve always felt this need for a close connection to him. Even today, I wish that we were closer (relationship wise) than we are.

B

Betrayed. This one is a bit easier. I often feel betrayed by most of those who have hurt me in the past. I feel this way because of the fact that I trusted them, and they betrayed that trust…by doing so they betrayed me.

C

Accosted (annoyed) I feel this way because of the fact that I hate the fact that I’m having to deal with all the past memories that I don’t want to remember. I often wish that they would all just GO AWAY. I feel accosted because of the fact that I allowed myself to have the same thing happen to me repeatedly and again and again never said anything to anyone (without being forced to do so) and then the one time I did say anything, no one fucking believed me. So rightfully so, I feel accosted.

D

Desolate (abandoned) See “A”

E

Abused. Well duh!!! My entire life I was either physically or mentally abused by someone. The only people that I ever felt safe with died when I was about 8 years old.

F

Furious. I feel furious at the people who hurt me. I feel furious at my uncle because I was just a little girl…he took my childhood away from me when he molested me. I’m furious at my cousin, because she KNEW what she was doing and she didn’t care!!!! I’m furious at the boys who raped me when I was in High School…you can’t have sex with someone and think it’ll change their perception of the male body!!! I’m furious at the men who raped me in the church!!! In GOD’s house!!! Really now?!?!? To this day, because of that I have trouble staying in a church for very long without having an anxiety attack and/or flash back. I still question God’s love for me…and I shouldn’t!!! I’m furious at my Navy command…I tried reporting the fucking rape and they didn’t believe me!!! He got away with it like it was nothing!!! I’m furious at myself for allowing all this mess to happen!

G

Extinguished. (put an end to) I often feel this way because there are times that I would like to put an end to my life. I get so tired of the flashbacks and the memories…it often feels like I can’t take it anymore. I know that it’s the “coward’s way out”…but there are times that I don’t care. I know that I should, because of my daughter. But I’m tired of the pain that I feel.

H

Encroached (violate). I’m not sure if my usage of this one is even correct…but here goes. I feel encroached because of the fact that by me going through the rapes…

I

Indigent (weak, helpless) When I was little I was molested by my uncle and (female) cousin. I was indigent and couldn’t stand up for myself…when I think about what happened I feel the same way all over again…weak and helpless, indigent.

J

Jaded (worn out or wearied)

K

Stricken (hurt)

L

Violated. I feel violated after I trusted the guy that I went out with in high school. We had known each other since middle school...we hung out together quite a few times. I felt that I could trust him, until we went out on our first (and only) actual date. We were walking home and we decided to stop at the park on the way home...it was a place that we had often stopped when we went on walks. We weren't ready to go home yet since we left the dance that we went on our date on. While we were at the park we decided to goof off on the swings. Next thing I knew he knocked me off the swing and was on top of me with a pocket knife against my throat. He then unzipped his pants and was lifting my dress...I then went into my own mind to my safe place. When I woke up he was cradling me saying he was sorry...even though he said he was sorry I felt violated. I trusted him and he took advantage of that trust and violated me.

M

Moronic. I often feel moronic, because of the fact that I allowed myself to go through what I did repeatedly....what kind of person does something like that? Who would allow themselves to be continually put in such a situation and not learn from it?

N

Naïve I've often been told I'm naive. Though I ought to agree...because I tend to believe what people tell me. I've always been told not to question what those who are older and more knowledgeable than I am.

O

Ridiculous. See "M" for Moronic.

P

Displaced. Okay so this one is going to sound weird...but I've always felt out of place, no matter where I "live". I've never felt a sense of "belonging".

Q

Piqued (a feeling of irritation) I often feel piqued over what happened to me in the past. I feel irritated because of the fact that I was taken advantage of.

R

Reluctant. This one's easy. I often feel reluctant when it comes to dealing with my past "issues" often, and to be honest, because I don't want to face the feelings and emotions that come with dealing with my past "issues".

S

Pessimistic. I tend to be pessimistic. I'm not how sure how to explain it but instead of seeing the glass as "half full" I tend to see it as "half empty".

T

Battered. I feel battered and broken because of all I've been through. The one memory that stands out in my mind the most is the one that I've been dealing with lately. The memory is from after I graduated from my "ATD School" with the Navy. I went to a graduation party, there was some drinking involved...I know that I didn't drink THAT much. The party started off just like any other party; we were all "hanging out", having drinks, listening to music...some of the guys went down stairs to play pool and the rest of us just kinda stayed up stairs listening to music...I got bored of listening to music so I went to watch the guys play pool...next thing I knew there was someone holding my feet and hands down and liquid was being poured down my throat while another was on top of me. Next thing I knew one of them was in me...they took turns. After going through that memory and others I feel battered.

U

Useless. I'm not sure how to explain this one.

V

Unloved. This was is a little confusing to explain this one. Even though my husband tells me that he loves me...but so did all the other guys, and how did that go? All they did was hurt me. So, being told that I'm loved is hard for me to believe.

W

Witless. Again see "M".

X

Vexed. (irritated; annoyed) See "F" and "C"

Y

Yowl (cry) Something I'm not able to do, though there ARE times (I will admit) that I feel the NEED to do so...I just can't seem to bring myself to do so.

Z

Crazy. Okay, so I've been told that I'm not crazy...I feel crazy. Just so self explanatory.

Unspoken Words

__ you were the first person I trusted to be close to me, to hold me, to touch me in a long time...I trust(ed) you, I love(d) you...yet through your anger and rage...you hurt me. We had been together for two years, I thought everything was going good, and then you hit me...why? I thought you loved me. Every time you get angry, I'm scared. That wasn't the only time...I can see it in your eyes now, when you get mad or angry. I'm afraid of you. I should not be afraid of you. I'm afraid of you because I don't know when or if you'll hit me again. I don't know when or if you'll hit our daughter. We love you...but when you get mad, we're scared of you.

When we first got together, you knew of my past and my issues with intimacy; you promised that it would go at my pace, yet you (like all the others) took advantage of me. I said "no" because I wanted to wait. I wasn't ready. You didn't listen. Even today, you don't listen...I love you. I still go to my "safe place" when you don't listen, or when you wait until I'm asleep (and I wake up), so that I don't feel the pain. I'm not perfect, I know this...but still I try....
I just wish you would listen. I think things would be different, better maybe, if you would listen.

I know that there are times that I may get frustrated with you for "no apparent reason" and I'm sorry. I don't mean to yell, I don't mean to say things that hurt you...I'm trying my best to communicate better. Just be patient with me.

I love you...even though you hurt me still....