Lost

...for the first time in a LONG time I'm at a loss for words as to how I'm "feeling"...it's strange...it's just this huge jumble of emotions hitting me all at the same time. Imagine having a big ball of yarn several different pieces all tangled and interwoven together...now try to untangle them to get separate pieces. That's about where I'm at, and I don't know where to start. One minute I'll want to hit something (for no reason mind you) the next I'm wanting to cry (but I can't won't allow myself)...I think I've hit every emotion except for those having to do with "happy"....all I want to do is curl up into a ball in a dark room (which there are none in my apartment) and hide from the world for the rest of eternity. I don't like this feeling...I don't like any of them. I tried drawing/sketching...I tried listening to music, to get my mind off the thoughts that keep running through my mind...I'm avoiding drawing anymore, because I don't want to draw the memories that are running through my mind. I tried taking a nap, bad idea. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't rest....my mind won't stop. I would "talk about it" but I'm afraid to.

Maybe me going back to school right now isn't a good idea after all...I see it now, I start taking classes and then have a complete break down. That'll look fabulous!!! NOT! Maybe I am just setting myself up for failure. I tend to do that without realizing it any way...I'm just trying to figure out why I chose the majors that I did...psychology and teaching??? I'm told by those I know that they could see me doing either...I'm glad they have faith in me.


I don't.