Rambling...again....

It's weird...

I know deep down that my husband really DOES love me. There are times (more often than I care to admit) that when he does tell me "I love you " I not only have trouble believing it, but I have trouble responding. I don't know....maybe on top of having "no tear ducts" I have no heart as well. Either that or it's my coping mechanisms that I've built up over the years just going against me. Who knows??? I just sometimes wish I could "feel" something.

I wish I could go a night without a flashback...without waking up remembering the physical pain, the mental hurt from betrayal, the sickness I "felt" from what they did to me...I've often been told that it's my fault for putting myself into those situations. That I should have known better. I should have told someone. None of that would have happened to me if I wouldn't have chosen the lifestyle I live....If I were just straight, none (or most) of what I went through would have never happened. Maybe that is true, I'll never know. Maybe it is my fault...if I'd of just said something to someone the first time. If I'd of told my grand-parents when my uncle and cousin molested me...none of the other incidents would have happened. Maybe if I'd of told them I would have ended up straight, considering my husband thinks the fact that I'm not is situational (because of everything I've been through). When I came out to my mom (I was in high school), she thought it was "just a phase"...my sister thought I was copying her (needless to say I had no clue at the time that she was bisexual at that point in time)...then I got married and she thinks that it was in fact "just a phase" though my three ex's from high school know better...and of course my friend T that I confided in, they know. It's weird though....I have to watch how I act in public if I glance at someone I have to be careful not to look too long or the "wrong way" because who I am is socially unacceptable. When I go out with friends or family, I try to keep my mind busy so that my focus stays on the people I'm with and no one or nothing else. I hate who I am. People think I chose to be the way I am...I didn't. I am who and what I am because it's the way I was born. I think of it this way, why would someone "choose" to be ridiculed and persecuted because of who they are and whether they like someone of the same or opposite sexual gender, why would someone "choose" to suffer several bruised ribs and dislocated joints??? Really??? If this were something I chose I would have chosen differently for something to be tormented over. I don't know...maybe I am crazy. I just miss when life was simple. I wish I could go back to those times.

...and not live through this hell.