Chaos

These past few days have been, chaotic...for lack of better words. Trying to get everything packed and trying to get my school stuff situated...RJ and I are about at each others throats. I know it's because of stress. But his attitude doesn't help me "calm down" (as he's stated I need to do). To top all matters off...I'm starting to come down with, I believe, a cold. I hate feeling sick. I hate not being able to get any sleep without shoving medication into my body. I can't seem to sleep without taking NyQuil. I feel like crap, the cold isn't helping, I can't sleep...when I do I have to deal with nightmares/flashbacks. I know I need to work through them...but right now??? Seriously?!?!? Any time is better than now. Then again it doesn't help that while I'm figuring out who I am, I have to deal with the stress of loosing my family. My mom obviously has no wish to be in contact with me anymore...and it's starting to seem as though my dad and step-mom feel the same. RJ made a comment that shocked me the other day, I told him about some changes I made to my FB account and he said, "It's about time." I think that he only made that comment to humor me. His comments today about the matter pointed to that. I care a lot about him...but in the same I can't stand to be around him. It's as though he just tolerates me. He says he "loves" me...but at the same time He can't stand who I am or what I represent. The part of me that I've had to hide all these years, I feel as though I have to continue to hide when I'm around him...he makes me feel as though I need to be ashamed of that part of who I am. Ever since I told him that I'm not sexually attracted to him. I told him that I'd never lie to him...but now it's like I can't be honest with him either. I can't win for loosing. I'm still not sure if I'm attracted to both men and women, bisexual, or if I'm only attracted to women, lesbian....I'm afraid to further look into myself to figure out that part of me. as far as anyone knows or I tell anyone, I'm bisexual...it's easier. I know that things aren't always meant to be easy...but I'm tired of having to deal with RJ's attitude and views of "homosexuality is a choice". It has taken everything I have not to go back to "old habits" through all this stress and through all the "emotions" that I've been going through these past almost two weeks.

What I want, I can not do...
What I wish, I can not have...

In time...
It will all come...