2 1/2 hours...

Well, I've now been up for two and a half hours...can't fall back asleep, and my mind is doing ninety to nothing (already). I swear waking up at four thirty in the morning in a cold sweat and panic is becoming tiresome. I would have sworn up and down, if asked, that someone had been in my apartment. But, I know that's physically not possible...seeing that all my doors and windows are locked. It was that dream/nightmare/flashback...whatever you want to call it. Either way, I'm tired of it...and I wish it (and all the others) would go away. I don't want my "childhood" memories anymore!!! If you want to even call it that, considering all matters....I was robbed of my childhood when I was young. I hate my family for it! I know I shouldn't say that...but if they'd payed more attention to the obvious signs instead of putting it off as "I wasn't applying myself" or telling me to "suck it up" and "quit being such a baby"...hell they didn't even notice that in high school I was either drunk, high, or both most of the time...they didn't notice the fact that I wouldn't wear short sleeves even in the summer (and I lived in Louisiana where it gets hot) because I had been cutting the hell out of my wrists and arms...when I started giving all my stuff away to my friends, they didn't notice. At times I wonder if they'd of noticed if I was there or not. I doubt it. At one point I got an offer from a friend of mine's foster mom to stay with her and her family for as long as I needed to...I should have taken her up on the offer. At least she saw that "something wasn't right". It was funny because I was hardly ever home...I was always bouncing from one friend's place to another...the only time I would go home would be to sleep (when I did sleep). I...often wonder what I did wrong growing up for them to treat me the way that they do always have...I guess certain things will always go unknown.

"Tracy's God loves me, and I am important to Him. I am only responsible for my problems."
(Day 18)