...yet another day...
Not sure what to say besides the fact, I feel like crap (emotionally). I'm nervous about tomorrow...the guy from admissions is supposed to email all the board members to vote on if I should be accepted into the University or not, under academic probation...due to the fact of my 2.4(7) GPA and missing a math class on my transcripts. Apparently you need at least a 2.5 to be automatically accepted and they require 3 specific math classes taken in H.S which I only have 2 of the 3 because back when I was in H.S the guidance counselors didn't give a crap about students...I think they were just tired of seeing me because of me being a "troubled student". But admissions isn't going to care about what kind of trouble I had back in H.S all they care about is getting their money and if they think I'll succeed or not. They probably don't even care if I'll do everything I need to in order to pass my classes, pay my tuition, and prove myself to be a "good student". Either way, accepted or not, come the 28th we're moving down there...I'm scared of not having a place to move into when we get there. We're barely going to have the money for this move in the first place. RJ's paycheck this past Friday was just enough to pay the 2 bills, tithe, pay for Bug's volleyball trophy, and put $50 towards the move...I'm running on faith. But it's hard to when for every step forward we take, we seem to be taking two steps back. RJ's now sick and he's having to go to a walk-in clinic...I think it's his asthma again, but there's no telling. I'm doing everything I can not to have a repeat of yesterday....I want to cut myself again, but in the same I don't. I feel like I'm being torn in two directions. I don't want to because I don't want to face Bug again and I don't want to have to talk to my brother again either. I'm enough trouble for my own family...I don't want to keep being a bother to him as well. He has his family that he has to worry about. I don't want him to have to worry about me as well. I'm sick of how I feel, who and what I am. I managed to break the news to RJ last night that the one major "turn off" for me about him was the one part that makes him a guy. I'm not sure how he took it because he just gave me this odd look and went off to playing his video game. I apologized to him, I do feel bad about it. He thinks it's because of my past and all. I told him that I didn't think it was, that it's just part of who I am. He hasn't talked to me much this morning, which I can't say I blame him. I wouldn't talk to me either. This is a part of me that I hate. Because of this part of me, when people find out they usually don't talk to me anymore. I often get told that it's "against God's law", "the Bible says it's a sin", how can I consider myself "Christian" and "choose" this type of lifestyle...I've been told SO many times that I'm going to Hell because of who I "choose" to be. What scares me is the fact that the hatred that "kids" showed when I was in school hasn't gotten any better over the years, it's actually gotten worse...
Got a call from my mother...she managed to block her # so I couldn't tell it was her calling. I tend to pick up my phone if it shows the # as being "Restricted" because it could be an automated appointment reminder for Bug's dr's office and I know she has a medication appointment this coming week (just not sure what day). So glad to know the only thing that woman is concerned about is money...I ended up hanging up on her after telling her that it's in the mail. I'm not sure, at this point, if I'm even going to tell her about us moving...I'm, at this point, considering changing my phone number after the move. I don't know if I want to be in touch with any of my family anymore. It's become apparent that they don't care to be in touch with me for any pleasantries...why should I allow them to drag me down, when I'm doing a good enough job on my own. I don't need any help dragging myself any further down into the mud. I can't believe I hung up on her...
I feel like hell...
What I want to do, I know I shouldn't....
It's so hard....
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