Lost and Lonely

I feel so lost in this dark and lonely "world". I feel like someone who has been battered and beaten and left for dead. Like an empty shell. I don't know which way is up or down. I don't know how to feel...I tried cutting today and for a split moment, I "felt" guilty about it...and then it was like I was just here and nothing else. I should be excited about moving. But instead I'm terrified. I've got no family support on this endeavor. I thought I had my dad and step-mom's support on this, but after the email that I received today...I now know that I don't. Supposed I could, possibly, thank my mother for that one. Considering she tends to get into things when she's least welcome. I did manage to get the full amount we owe her put into the mail on Friday...so once she gets that she'll leave us alone.

I'm so, emotionally, lost. I tried calling my brother and talking to him, and now I feel guilty about disturbing his time with his family. His son's in town for a short while, from school, and I took part of that time from him. I'm just going to keep to my writing from now on. I don't think I'll be doing much, if any (actual) talking for a while. I seem to have an easier time expressing myself through my writing any way.

I...hate the way I feel. It's hard to explain the emptiness I feel inside. I want to cry, but I can't. I have to stay strong for my family. If I loose it now...it'll prove my inability to cope with stress and my inability to handle being able to go back to school. If I can't handle "everyday" stress what makes me think I can handle the stress of going back to school??? I hate this...I hate myself.


...I wish I had the strength to make this all go away....