Yesterday went well, I guess. I made it through all my appointments, though I don't remember them all...I hate when I have days like that. I feel so....lost. I'm trying to figure out, "what the hell am I thinking?" I'm looking at going back to school, and I don't even have myself (mentally) in check. To top all matters off I'm going to be studying psychology...how ironic is that going to be? But...over all the campus is beautiful, it's a small town that is absolutely gorgeous (even in the fog). We're looking at moving up here at the 1st of the year, and I think it'll be a good move for all of us.
I got a chance to talk to T and his wife about being listed as (essentially) my daughter's "God parents", just in-case something happens to my husband and I and we are either no longer capable of taking care of her (due to physical injuries or what not) or because of untimely death they would get custody of her (because quite frankly neither of us trust our biological families) and after discussion amongst themselves (as a family) they said yes. To be honest, I dare say, they are more like family to me than my own family. I at least feel safe around them.
I got a chance to talk to T about a few of the things that have been bothering me, mostly the missing time. I've never fully understood it. I know I was dx'd with D.I.D but even through all the research I've done on it...I'm not sure how much I believe it or not. I'm not sure if it's because I'm skeptical of the dx or because I'm scared of the possibility. Either way, T was able to explain it to me in a way that was......less frightening.
I know that T and I will likely have at least one more talk like we did last night before I leave...I just hope to be able to remember all of it.
It's strange...I remember us talking and walking back to the guest housing and all...I don't remember laying down going to sleep. I woke up at one point to what I thought was someone knocking on the door to my room. I went to answer it and no one was there, even though I heard someone saying "hello?" I think I may actually be finally loosing my mind. I don't know. I woke up again this morning to the same thing, the sound of someone knocking on the door to my room and when I went to answer...no one was there but a voice saying, "hello?"
It was weird last night, because usually in my dream/flashbacks I'm reliving the "incidents" that I've been through...last night it was as though I was watching it happen to me. It's hard to explain except for it was like I was there watching not having it happen to me. It was hard. I still don't understand how people could tell someone that they love 'em and then do what they did. I hate my life at times....I'm not sure if it's "I hate my life" or "I hate what people put me through, throughout my life."
Either way...I'm confused. I'm scared......
We're angry.
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