Well, yesterday went quite well. Thanks to T and his WONDERFUL family, it was quite relaxing and enjoyable. I actually fell asleep last night before midnight and slept almost completely through the night (not sporadic). I woke up once and was able to fall back asleep without any issues. I don't think I've had that happen in quite some time now. It felt great to get some real sleep. I don't even remember anything that I dreamed about, which for me is great too. It's so weird. I'm on my last full day here and I finally feel like I can somewhat relax. Figures.
Any how...
Ali's decided she doesn't want to even go back to Sumner, and I've got to agree with her...something about this area, it does kind of feel like "home". I'm not sure I want to go back to Sumner...I know we have to, to get stuff packed and moved...but I almost want to say "fuck it" and figure a way to pay someone to move us, though it would cost WAY too much to pull that off.
The next two weeks are definitely going to be interesting to see what miracles I "pull out of my hat". Because in order for this move to work...I have to come up with housing, money to move, and money for housing....oh and I have to get Financial Aid/Grant money applications submitted and approved so that I can pay for not only my schooling, but my books (one of the books T showed me that I'll likely need was over $100). So, yeah...I'm a bit nervous...but I'm putting this all in God's hands that it'll work out and this move will go...smoothly.
My husband and I talked last night, because I don't think he quite understood the extent of things when I told him that I need to figure out who I am, the first time. So, we talked for almost an hour and I re-explained it to him. I also explained to him that if I come across sounding "harsh" when I'm talking to him that I don't mean to...it's something I'm working on. My daughter's problem is, she can read emotion...mine is kind of the opposite, I can read it (though I'm incorrect probably 95% of the time) I have trouble expressing it correctly. I was raised in a manner that I wasn't allowed to express emotion. I explained that to him the best I could, and I think he understood what I was getting at. I also explained that in order to figure out who I am...I need to start making my own decisions...which I (agape) love T to death , but he's driving me nuts (which I'm starting to believe is his goal). This man is (literally) making me make a decision on just about everything...I feel like I'm going to go crazy. But I explained to my husband that growing up I was told everything from; how to feel, to how to act, what to wear, who I was (when I came out to them especially), who to vote for (my first time voting), even at one point...what college I was to go to...so when he "proposed" to me by saying "I'm going to marry you" my response (for me) was "normal" because for all those years I was used to being told what to do. Heck even being in the military I was told what to do, how and when to do it. Now it's me learning who I am and how to make my decisions. Not easy. But luckily our conversation went well. I explained to him that in the process of figuring out who I am, I need to figure out how I really feel about him, which I could tell by his voice he's nervous about (I can't say I blame him)...I explained to him that our buddy T made a very good point. Yes, we may have agreed to not consider divorce until our daughter is 18 or graduates high school (whichever happens last), but that would not only be unfair to us (living together in an unhappy relationship) but it wouldn't be fair to her either. I assured him that I'm not necessarily thinking about it now, but if it does come down to it...we have to agree upon it and we can't part ways the way our parents did (we both come from divorced parents where the divorce went poorly). Right now all I asked him for was time. Time to figure things out...who I am....
....He agreed.
"God loves me and I'm important to Him." (Day 22)
No comments:
Post a Comment