Well, last night pretty much went as expected....I tried to lay down to get some sleep and couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. So, I ended up giving in and taking one of the sleep aides and it did nothing...except when I FINALLY did fall asleep the dreams/nightmares/flashbacks were worse. Now I'm not sure if it was because of the sleep aide pill I took or the fact that I'm in an unfamiliar place. Either way, I'm not sure I'm going to take the sleep aide pill anymore while I'm here. Heck, I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get while I'm here. The only comfortable spot I could find to lay down was the chair/ottoman that they have here in the room. I couldn't get comfortable on the bed or the floor, and I can usually fall asleep just about anywhere. I've been up for almost two hours now....couldn't fall back asleep after waking up at four thirty this morning. I hate my mind. Some people have sharp memories when it comes to everything, others remember all the good stuff that they've been through in their lives...me? I remember all the bad things...all the really fucked up stuff that happened. That's not to say that I don't remember some of the good things. I remember my first "real" kiss, I was (about) 9 or 10 y/o and it was the girl next door that I had the hugest crush on (was also my first crush). I remember the day my daughter was born, it was Easter Sunday...it had been raining all morning, and then the doctors came in and decided that because it had been almost 30 hours since they had induced my labor and I still hadn't dilated any further that they were going to do an emergency c-section...right when they wheeled me out of my room into the O.R, it stopped raining and the sun came out...it was the coolest thing. But majority of my memories, that I can recall are of when I was molested by my uncle and cousin and of the rapes....I don't want to remember them anymore. I know the only way to get past them is to work through them...but I've tried. I've tried writing about them...it doesn't work. I know it'll "take time" but I'm not sure how much time I have. I feel like I'm going to loose it.
Hopefully today goes well...my morning looks like it's going to be pretty busy, which I guess is a good thing.
I just have to remember....
....breathe.
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