So, had (yet another) interesting conversation last night with my friend T...it started off as a continuation of our conversation from the night before about my mom/family making the decisions in my life and me taking over my own life (finally)...
T: "So...the question is about your life. Where do you go from here?"
Me: "yeah."
T: "Are you homosexual or bisexual?"
Me: "I (honestly) don't know."
....so now it's down to, who am I really??? I've never been able to really think about who I really am. I've always been told who I am and all....I suck at making decisions for myself and I'm about to check out a University and make one of the most important decisions of my life, going back to school. It scares the hell out of me. I'm scared partly because this is something I've been putting off for a VERY long time...also because some of the people that I thought I would get support from, obviously aren't supportive of me...then there's the part of me that is freaking out, because of the "what if's"....
Then there's the conversation from last night....I honestly don't know if I'm attracted to just women or both. I've had such a fucked up concept of what "love" is growing up....not just from what happened to me, but because of my mom. My parents got divorced when I was about 5 years old, during this process there was a lot of arguing between my parents...a lot of times it was in front of or within ear shot of my sister and I. Then my mom had a few on and off boyfriends, when we moved to Florida I remember living in this house with another woman (a "friend" of my mom's) which I have some partial memories from living there...and then we had moved back to Louisiana and she got back together with one of her past boyfriends, and the arguing between them started and we moved into a place just the three of us, then I was about 10 or 12 when she met her (now) husband and that relationship was on and off for quite some time...they'd be together, then they'd argue and we'd have to move out, and then they got back together...then after I graduated H.S and joined the Navy they broke up again and my mom moved to California to be with this one guy and that was an interesting relationship...then about 8 or 9 years ago she moved back to Louisiana to be with her boyfriend (now husband)...and about a year ago they finally got married...now for the creepy (to me) part, my now step-dad is old enough to be my grand-father. I don't ever think I've seen my mom in a relationship that wasn't full of arguments and where SHE was the one who was ALWAYS right.
I remember times when I was dating and I told my (now ex) girlfriend that I loved her...and looking back at it, I really did mean it. My family said that it wasn't possible for me (at the time) to know what real love is until I knew heart ache...little did they know that by that point I had already suffered heart ache, twice, first time was the hardest...still is. I lost my first "true love" to HIV/AIDS...to this day I still blame myself, I should have gotten sick too...she shouldn't have died alone. Her parents moved when they found out how sick she was. When I got word that she had died, I was banned from attending the funeral...to this day I don't know where/if she was buried. My second heart ache was my ex, SMS, I fell head over heals for her...she was amazing. But then she broke up with me two days before my birthday...turned out she was only dating me to piss off her ex. Funny thing though, we're still really good friends. Now the one guy that I did date for a short while (who ended up taking advantage of me) we "fooled around" once...never anything serious...but that's because it was just.....I don't know how to put it any other way, it was weird. Even with my husband.....I don't know. I guess I'm, almost, glad of the timing of this trip I'm making....usually I have to try to avoid (too much) contact with him for almost a week...this time it'll be (at most) a day and a half, depending on when he gets home. I know it sounds wrong...but him touching me (sometimes) makes me cringe, and I don't know how to get past it. Maybe that'll come in time as I figure out......
.....who am I???
No comments:
Post a Comment