Vida vs. Amor

Now that I've had a break from this place and am able to "take a step back and look at things" I'm discovering how close-minded the people I live near REALLY are. Oh my gosh! So, yesterday I got to talking with one of my neighbors about the move that my family is getting ready to take. And I had mentioned that I'm going to be going into psychology and while I'm at it I'm going to take some Spanish classes, because the area that I'm going to be living has a lot of Hispanic people (more than where I live now). She made a comment that they should learn "our" language and that I shouldn't have to learn theirs. I managed to change the subject to the first thing that popped into my head, politics HUGE mistake). We got to talking about how we each think things are going for this candidacy...and some of the things that the different people who are running for president are for and against. She made it VERY clear that she doesn't plan on voting for Obama because he's black. Which I figured because of the fact that she has many times stated that she's racist (she won't deny it either)...and that's her choice. But as we get into discussing things...she made a comment about how she doesn't agree with the fact that he's even considering passing the same sex marriage "thing"(as she called it). Which I made comment that gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders all deserve equal rights just as anyone else. Needless to say that discussion went down hill from there...I about "outed" myself between her remarks of "fags, homos, lesbos..." I held everything in because if I'd of started saying anything, I'd of lost it. But apparently (or at least according to her) they choose to be that way...REALLY?!?!? So, I chose to get my knee almost broken by the base ball team? I chose to get harassed on a daily basis??? I chose to get raped by "men" who thought they could "fuck me straight"???? I don't know anyone that would CHOOSE to go through what I did...hell what I still go through. Sorry, but close minded people like that...absolutely infuriate me. I know right now while I'm figuring out "who I am"...I really can't risk outing myself. That and I don't want people to know...mostly because it's none of their damn business.

It was weird being home with RJ. In figuring out who I am...I also need to figure out how I feel about him. My brother explained "love" to me this way:

"First, there's agape. This type of love is an unconditional love for another human being. Some people would call this "like", but it is more difficult than that. This is a genuine regard for someone because they are a child of God, or human.

Second. Phileo. This is a love that is a love between siblings or VERY close friends. This is why Philadelphia is the "city of brotherly love" because that is exactly what the name means.

Third. Eros. This type of love is a sexual type of love. It is a type of lust, but a little deeper than that. It is the type that says "I want you", and to mean not just sex, but a total, complete intimacy, also involving sex."

Now I know that I (agape) love RJ...and I know that I care about him and his feelings. But, I don't think know if I (eros) love him. I know I've felt that love a long time ago...but that person is no longer alive. I'm scared. I'm having to figure out who I am, while I'm working on going back to school...I want my daughter to be raised by both of us, but I don't want to continue living with him if I discover that this relationship isn't going to work out. RJ on his last day here told me that he's not sure what he can do to show affection towards me while I'm "discovering" who I am...he asked, "Can I hug you? Can I kiss you? Can I have sex with you?" I explained to him that things are going to probably seem a bit strange before they start to seem "normal" but to answer his questions, "yes, sometimes, not likely. In that order." I explained that it's nothing against him...it's just that, that's where my comfort is right now....I could tell he wasn't happy. Especially with the "not likely" answer. But he wanted my honesty and I gave it to him. The more I think about it the more I'm trying to figure out how do I tell the difference between knowing that I (care about him) love him vs. being in love with him. I wish thing were easy....

Things are NOT black and white...


....I'm stuck with the gray scale in between......