New assignment...I'll be updating as I work through each letter....
"From your acrostic, you are to write out (can be on your blog) the stories for each of why you feel each of those feelings. Be as complete as possible."
Okay, so some of these I couldn't come up with something for all of these, partly because of the fact that some of them the words are similar. Others are because the words are self explanatory.
A
Abandoned. I often feel abandoned because the people I loved and cared about the most were never there when I truly needed them. My parents separated when I was about five years old, and even though my dad and I were never REALLY close, I’ve always felt this need for a close connection to him. Even today, I wish that we were closer (relationship wise) than we are.
B
Betrayed. This one is a bit easier. I often feel betrayed by most of those who have hurt me in the past. I feel this way because of the fact that I trusted them, and they betrayed that trust…by doing so they betrayed me.
C
Accosted (annoyed) I feel this way because of the fact that I hate the fact that I’m having to deal with all the past memories that I don’t want to remember. I often wish that they would all just GO AWAY. I feel accosted because of the fact that I allowed myself to have the same thing happen to me repeatedly and again and again never said anything to anyone (without being forced to do so) and then the one time I did say anything, no one fucking believed me. So rightfully so, I feel accosted.
D
Desolate (abandoned) See “A”
E
Abused. Well duh!!! My entire life I was either physically or mentally abused by someone. The only people that I ever felt safe with died when I was about 8 years old.
F
Furious. I feel furious at the people who hurt me. I feel furious at my uncle because I was just a little girl…he took my childhood away from me when he molested me. I’m furious at my cousin, because she KNEW what she was doing and she didn’t care!!!! I’m furious at the boys who raped me when I was in High School…you can’t have sex with someone and think it’ll change their perception of the male body!!! I’m furious at the men who raped me in the church!!! In GOD’s house!!! Really now?!?!? To this day, because of that I have trouble staying in a church for very long without having an anxiety attack and/or flash back. I still question God’s love for me…and I shouldn’t!!! I’m furious at my Navy command…I tried reporting the fucking rape and they didn’t believe me!!! He got away with it like it was nothing!!! I’m furious at myself for allowing all this mess to happen!
G
Extinguished. (put an end to) I often feel this way because there are times that I would like to put an end to my life. I get so tired of the flashbacks and the memories…it often feels like I can’t take it anymore. I know that it’s the “coward’s way out”…but there are times that I don’t care. I know that I should, because of my daughter. But I’m tired of the pain that I feel.
H
Encroached (violate). I’m not sure if my usage of this one is even correct…but here goes. I feel encroached because of the fact that by me going through the rapes…
I
Indigent (weak, helpless) When I was little I was molested by my uncle and (female) cousin. I was indigent and couldn’t stand up for myself…when I think about what happened I feel the same way all over again…weak and helpless, indigent.
J
Jaded (worn out or wearied)
K
Stricken (hurt)
L
Violated. I feel violated after I trusted the guy that I went out with in high school. We had known each other since middle school...we hung out together quite a few times. I felt that I could trust him, until we went out on our first (and only) actual date. We were walking home and we decided to stop at the park on the way home...it was a place that we had often stopped when we went on walks. We weren't ready to go home yet since we left the dance that we went on our date on. While we were at the park we decided to goof off on the swings. Next thing I knew he knocked me off the swing and was on top of me with a pocket knife against my throat. He then unzipped his pants and was lifting my dress...I then went into my own mind to my safe place. When I woke up he was cradling me saying he was sorry...even though he said he was sorry I felt violated. I trusted him and he took advantage of that trust and violated me.
M
Moronic. I often feel moronic, because of the fact that I allowed myself to go through what I did repeatedly....what kind of person does something like that? Who would allow themselves to be continually put in such a situation and not learn from it?
N
Naïve I've often been told I'm naive. Though I ought to agree...because I tend to believe what people tell me. I've always been told not to question what those who are older and more knowledgeable than I am.
O
Ridiculous. See "M" for Moronic.
P
Displaced. Okay so this one is going to sound weird...but I've always felt out of place, no matter where I "live". I've never felt a sense of "belonging".
Q
Piqued (a feeling of irritation) I often feel piqued over what happened to me in the past. I feel irritated because of the fact that I was taken advantage of.
R
Reluctant. This one's easy. I often feel reluctant when it comes to dealing with my past "issues" often, and to be honest, because I don't want to face the feelings and emotions that come with dealing with my past "issues".
S
Pessimistic. I tend to be pessimistic. I'm not how sure how to explain it but instead of seeing the glass as "half full" I tend to see it as "half empty".
T
Battered. I feel battered and broken because of all I've been through. The one memory that stands out in my mind the most is the one that I've been dealing with lately. The memory is from after I graduated from my "ATD School" with the Navy. I went to a graduation party, there was some drinking involved...I know that I didn't drink THAT much. The party started off just like any other party; we were all "hanging out", having drinks, listening to music...some of the guys went down stairs to play pool and the rest of us just kinda stayed up stairs listening to music...I got bored of listening to music so I went to watch the guys play pool...next thing I knew there was someone holding my feet and hands down and liquid was being poured down my throat while another was on top of me. Next thing I knew one of them was in me...they took turns. After going through that memory and others I feel battered.
U
Useless. I'm not sure how to explain this one.
V
Unloved. This was is a little confusing to explain this one. Even though my husband tells me that he loves me...but so did all the other guys, and how did that go? All they did was hurt me. So, being told that I'm loved is hard for me to believe.
W
Witless. Again see "M".
X
Vexed. (irritated; annoyed) See "F" and "C"
Y
Yowl (cry) Something I'm not able to do, though there ARE times (I will admit) that I feel the NEED to do so...I just can't seem to bring myself to do so.
Z
Crazy. Okay, so I've been told that I'm not crazy...I feel crazy. Just so self explanatory.
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