Alone?

I know it's been a while since I've written anything...I know that its not due to nothing going on -- I think it's more due to too much going on. I've had Bug since Christmas Day :) and I've been working on some back math assignments, with the help of a tutor. One gal in student finance is helping me to get caught up, she doesn't want to see my college career here come to a screeching hault because of the fact that I'm struggling with one class. I don't know, maybe I wasn't cut out for this??? I'm just hopeful, school is the only thing I have right now. Life is full of difficult decisions, and right now the only choice I have is if I should stay in the stable environment I'm currently in or give up...and I can't see myself giving up. So, I've got to keep pushing on.
I head out to my doctor's office later this morning to get my testosterone shot...unfortunately, I'm going to have to take Ali with me. Thankfully, she doesn't like needles...so she won't even look when I'm getting my shot and she won't ask questions :) Love her to death, but I can't exactly tell her "don't tell dad..." it wouldn't be fair to her. I don't want to use her as a pawn, that's not what she is for...I feel bad enough because of her being stuck in the middle of all of this. I try to keep her time with me as enjoyable as possible...which most of the time I question how good of a job I'm doing. I'm not sure how good of a job I'm doing as a parent...was there something I could have done differently? Something I could have done to keep my family together??? It feels like I screwed everything up, as though I'm the one that tore everything apart.
As my brother would put it...maybe this is just the "borderline" in me talking....? I dunno. All I know right now...I don't want my daughter to go back with RJ. I'm actually thinking about not letting her go back with him...stupid idea. I could never do that...it wouldn't be fair to either of them. As much as he wants to make it difficult on me to be able to see her...I can't completely take her away from him like that.

I just can't stand being alone like this...

My brother

I found that as quirky as my brother and his family is...I love them all the same. Quirky is good :) most of the time (with the exception of doctor's appointments). But he is such an incredible person...
My computer crapped out, again...and he's fixing it for me, yet again. I do really need to replace that thing. He is the only person that really knows how to read my emotions, better than my ex ever could. I guess it's because in some ways, even though we're not blood related, we're alike (psychologically speaking). I'd gone over to his place last night to drop off my computer for him to fix for me and we got to talking, and at one point (I'm not entirely sure why) he'd asked me if I started cutting again...and I told him "no", which I hadn't (and still have not)...but the thing that makes it odd is the fact that it has been on my mind for about a week, and I've been doing really good at not cutting. This past week I've been going through this funk of depression that I just haven't been able to get past. I've done really good at not letting it get me completely down, to the point of locking myself in my apartment and staying in bed all day. I've actually been quite productive...I got my finals done this week (yay!), and I've gotten my apartment a little better organized (it's an on going process) and I'm caught up on my dishes, which really needed to be done. I've also been getting out and going for a short walk each day, just to get me out of the house. It does surprise me that he's able to read me, like an open book...like he knows what I'm feeling or thinking...or even if I have something on my mind that I'm not saying...it's weird. I guess it's a good thing??? I'm also able to talk to him about almost anything, which helps because I really don't have anyone that I'm that close to, that I can trust to talk about pretty much anything. I have developed some friendships since moving out here, but none that are as close as my brother and I are. I'm thankful to have him around, even though I know that in time he will likely move somewhere else.

Annoying

Well, my weekend went ok...was a bit mundane, but had the company of my brother's hamsters :) which was cute. They are very well trained to be held and petted.

The one, not so good, thing that happened...Jen decided that things aren't going to work out between us :( I guess it was bound to happen, considering our relationship was focused more around sex than anything else. She'd also made the decision that she's not going to be continuing at the Community College next quarter...*sigh* so I'm not sure if we're even going to keep in touch or not. At this point in time, I don't care. I've got worse things do deal with than being in a rebound relationship, again.
Besides that, I'm having to figure out how to get Bug from the half way point next week Tuesday...the friend that I normally get a ride from is out of town for the break, my license is suspended (so I can't rent a car), and I don't know many people who are still in town that have a vehicle. This is going to be an interesting week trying to figure a way to pick her up and bring her back for half of her holiday break. *sigh* I just want to be able to see her. I didn't get her for my weekend, because he wanted to be a jerk about me not being able to pick her up on that Friday...because of that he wasn't going to drop her off Saturday morning or change it to the following weekend. grrr...
Just with everything going on, I'm so frustrated and annoyed...

Frustrated

Well, today started off okay...then I went to my doctor's office for a follow up from starting the testosterone, only to find out that I have to get a pap-smear and blood work done (which will include a pregnancy test). I explained to my doctor that it is impossible for me to be pregnant - which he understands, but it's just procedure. I guess me getting to go on the testosterone was too good to be true. I'm hoping that this is just a minor roadblock that I will easily get past. I go in for my "female" appointment next Wednesday, so I won't be able to get my next shot until after that. This is annoying. Tuesdays were the one day that I was looking forward to...now, until then...*sigh* I don't know...

Other than that, I'm hopeful that my week goes better...

Puberty and finals

Well...the past few days have been interesting. I got stuck in Seattle for an extra day, which I wasn't counting on. My trip was pointless...my court date got moved back a day and then when I did get to court it turned out that RJ hadn't properly filed paperwork, court date was moved back and set at mid-August for finalization of this stupid divorce.

but anyhow...

he testosterone is starting to show it's effects...I'm now starting to realize what guys go through during puberty. The voice issue is humorous and frustrating at the same time. The other thing I'm discovering the concept of is what a "wet dream" is...that's an interesting issue to have to deal with. The one dream that I don't understand that I've had recently is this one where I'm a guy and I'm in bed having sex with another guy, I'm not even interested like that to guys...so it just doesn't make any sense to me as to why I would have a dream like that. I've also had the dreams/fantasies of being with a female, those make sense to me. This is about the oddest thing to me...yet enjoyable. I'm just glad to start being able to notice results, regardless of how odd or humorous they may be.

Finals are this week for most, but majority of mine got pushed back a week because of my court date. I'm praying that I do well on all of them, and that my math professor does gig me an "I" (incomplete) so that I have time to complete missing assignments and get my grade up. Here's hoping.

Annoyed

This SUCKS!!! I'm stuck in Seattle for another day. Went up to the courthouse this morning only to find out that my court date got pushed back a day...so now I have to wait until tomorrow morning to finalize this freaking divorce and fight to get Bug back. I was hoping to have this whole mess over and done with today. She has no clue that mom and dad are going to court, again...right now I think that may be a good thing, because I don't want to get her hopes up that she'll be able to go back home...she calls Walla Walla home. I want to tell her, but at the same time I know it's for the best that I don't...not yet.
Other than that...things have been going pretty good. I've learned, while here in the Seattle area, how much I appreciate the simplicity of living in Walla Walla. There's way fewer buses, and the drivers actually know their routs and most of the other routs. Out here, because of how many routs there are and how long their routs are...most of the drivers only know the main stops and don't know any of the other routs, it made taking the bus out here really interesting. I, kinda', know how to get to some places out here...and have resorted to asking other passengers (if I get lost) how to get to where I'm going. I've also discovered that I really don't miss having a mall close by. Yeah, it's nice to go to...but it's not really that big of a deal. I went to the mall out here (it was a smaller one) and wasn't really impressed. I got sushi from the Japanese restaurant inside the mall and was less than impressed...it made the sushi served in the caff look high quality. It's interesting how much, mentally, a person can change in just a year...which is about how long I've lived in Walla Walla. I've gotten used to living in a "small town" area...that the city doesn't impress me that much. It's nice to visit, but right now I couldn't see myself living out here. I used to imagine myself living in the city...now I don't know. I could work in a larger city, but not live there. *sigh* I miss my apartment.
This also sucks because I'm going to miss my therapist appointment tomorrow, I had to re-schedule my appointment with Pedrito, I'm supposed to turn a bunch of classwork in tomorrow, and I have a review for a final (the one I'm most concerned about) tomorrow...this is really messing things up for me. Oi! I was mentally prepared to be in court this morning...now I'm...I don't know how I'm going to handle going in court tomorrow. I just hope that I don't have to get up at 5a again tomorrow...we'll see...

Joy

Well, this week has been an interesting one...I went into the doctor's office to get my second shot of T, which I'm excited about :) I can't wait to start seeing/feeling the side effects from it. Other than that...I got called a "stupid fucking fag" this week, which irked me. I almost turned around and hit the guy, except he did it while walking by me...and this time I know I wasn't hearing things or anything like that, because I didn't have my headphones in my ears. I'm working on getting a sit down conversation with one of the professors here on campus to discus this issue...I shouldn't still be going through the verbal harassment that I am having to deal with, I'm also meeting up with the professor to discuss me going through my transition while here on campus and discussing the fact that at some point I'm no longer going to be comfortable using the women's restrooms here on campus and seeing what suggestions he may have and what exceptions will be able to be made for me...considering that I'm not only going to be taking T and going through the physical changes from that, but in about two years I'm hoping to have enough money saved up for my top surgery. I'm just at the point of "fuck cloud 9...I'm on cloud 13" I'm, for once, happy with myself...not that I have "perfect" days, I do still have my days that I'm in no mood to deal with people at all. I know that it has only been a week, but I'm glad to be able to be myself and (eventually) be able to have my physical body (somewhat) match my psychological self. I'm finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I'm...just...wow!

I made another blog, to follow my journey of being on T and my eventuality of surgery. I'm doing it separate from this blog, purely so that I can just focus on every day things on this one...and my transitioning for the other blog. For my other blog go to: http://flight2freedom.blogspot.com/ "In My Footsteps" follows my journey through transitioning.

I LOVE being able to be me!!!

God loves me for who I am and where I'm at in my life.

Brave

This week has been...interesting. I've had Bug all week, which after not hardly having her for a quarter of the year, it's [unfortunately] weird to have her here for this long...I've gotten so used to my routine that it's weird being out of it. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death...just getting her back is going to be a huge adjustment for me. This week alone we lost half a day twice because if running around that I needed to get done. Things I was used to doing without having to worry about having her "in toe"...
I feel like I'm a failure as a parent. I had a date this week that, yeah, could have been canceled...but I chose to move it up one day so that I could keep it - I hear it now, my mother saying that I was being selfish by keeping the date, how I shouldn't even be dating...maybe she's right.

I'm just glad that I really don't have much contact with her anymore, it's probably for the best. I've learned to limit or cut contact with those who "drag me down"...mostly because I've come so far, emotionally, that I don't want to take a million steps back after all the progress I've made.

On a better note, I've taken another HUGE step on my journey...I started testosterone injections the day before yesterday. Yay!!!!! I'm going to start tracking my progress with the testosterone treatments. I'm debating on continuing using this blog for that or using a separate blog...if I use a separate one, it'll one that will only focus around that particular part of my journey - my journey to manhood. I was so ecstatic at the doctor's office...I couldn't sit down to wait to have my blood work done. My doctor's nurse seemed to find humor in my excitement, she asked me if I was a little eager, with a smile on her face. I was the happiest about not needing to go to an endocrinologist to get the testosterone shots, I actually have gotten used to seeing my PCP (even with having a male doctor) that I'm not sure how I would feel going to a different clinic and seeing a different doctor. I have a hard enough time seeing a different doctor at the clinic I'm currently at. I'm just SO happy that I got brave enough to actually ask about it.

other than that my week has gone quite well...even with the oddness of having Bug...though u found that she's not afraid to 100% speak her mind with people. I had an individual ask me, as we were waiting for the bus at Walmart, if I had just gotten off work...before I could say anything Bug voices up, "no this is how she normally dresses (in her "like duh!" tone)..." the poor guy didn't have a fighting chance, before he could comment, she continued, "....if she dressed any differently, I probably wouldn't recognize her." God bless my daughter...how I dress and act have become "normal" to her. It'll make my transition easy for her...it'll be "normal" to her. Now just figuring out what she should call me once the testosterone effects really start to show...I guess that's one thing I didn't think about. I'm just glad that I finally got brave enough to take this step.

:) Fun day :)

Well, short of the frustration of dealing with Sprint...my day went rather well. I had a, second, date :) Which went quite well, it was supposed to be JUST coffee...I wasn't counting on anything more than that. I had put money on my Starbucks card to make sure I was able to pay for her coffee...then she showed up and suggested we have coffee at her place where it's quieter...I was okay with that. We got to her place and sat down and started talking some and before long our lips were locked and I was removing her shirt. :) We ended up in her bed in each other's arms. I can definitely say it was the best sex I've had in over a year...even with not being able to cum. Any human knows the importance of sex is...and the major lack of sex drive is killing me. It's not to say that I didn't enjoy the sex today, but god I know it would have been way better if my sex drive wasn't completely messed up. Like any person I love sex and not just for the intention of procreation. People tend to get touchy on the subject of sex for non-procreation purposes. I've know people who think sex shouldn't be for pleasure, because "the Bible" says that sex should only be for procreation...then again most of them are either unmarried or clueless. I did end up telling Jen about Bug and it went, I think, better than expected...she and I are neither looking for anything long term...I'm hoping to hear from her soon, even if our relationship ends up being only a sexually based relationship, right now that would be fine with me, at least for the time being. I was, I'll admit, apprehensive about telling her about Bug...but even though she's not interested in having kids (right now) or a long term relationship, her response to Bug seemed to be good. I guess we'll see...

one week until my doctor appointment, I'm praying that goes well. I know that if I can get him to prescribe me the testosterone shots, I won't have to worry about the no sex drive. Here's hoping.....

Happy

It has been a crazy but fun past two days...yesterday we had to go to the store to get food (good concept) then Bug played Kinect Adventure, which is hilarious to watch...today we went to Petco to replace her gerbils that died, she got a hamster instead. I feel bad, tomorrow I have my niece watching her for a couple of hours so I can go on a date (meeting up for coffee), but it's the this week is the only time she has free until mid next week. I rather like her, but she doesn't know about Bug...I don't know how she'll take the idea of me having a kid. I've not gone out with anyone in a long time, this is date #2 and I'm debating on telling her...I know I should be honest with her, but I'm trying to figure out how to tell someone who may not want a kid. *sigh* All I know is I'm going to be me and hope for the best, I'm not expecting anything more than to just have a good time having a cup of coffee with her...anything more than that is well ;) "bonus" ;)

Telling my brother about my date was...interesting. I hadn't told him about the first one...hell I wasn't sure there was going to be a second one. I'm glad that there is a second one... :) Hopefully the weather is more cooperative tomorrow than it is today. Bug and I were going to go to the park today, but the weather says otherwise. Oi! Why does it seem that when she comes in to see me, the weather goes to crap??? I'm hopeful for a good day tomorrow. :)

Crazy

This week is going to be interesting...I have Bug for the week, and I'm finding that if I make smart ass remarks under my breath that she not only hears them (from across the room) but repeats them as well. She told my mom that her dad lives in "another state" and I mumbled "of mind" and that's what she told my mom...thankfully she found Bug's remark of great humor. But I do need to watch what I say.

anyhow...
I had some pretty weird dreams last night...you'd think I had gotten high or something. The first one - I had somehow managed to convince my doctor to proscribe me the testosterone shots that I REALLY want to start taking and miraculously the insurance covered them. Within a matter if weeks, I started getting the MUCH wanted results...and then se. I essentially didn't have to go through the full surgery. I was VERY happy. The second dream, was wild...I ha a dream that I took Bug to the pet store to get a new rodent, and they were all crazy Neon colours. That dream I can't even begin to explain. It was a crazy night with plenty more to come.

One day?

I hate this, I know who I should be...I
Just stuck in this body, right now I really can't do anything about it...there have been nights that I've fallen asleep in tears because of this. I hate it!!! My therapist told me that there is one doctor, locally, that I can see about going on testosterone. I know that my insurance won't cover it...but it's worth looking into the cost of it. I'm pretty sure that, in time, I may end up getting the surgery. That way my body matches who I'm supposed to be. I've been using the men's room I Walmart lately...no one knows any different, especially if I don't say anything, I just have to be careful here on campus. I've caught myself going into the men's room here on campus...I'd likely get kicked out for that one. *sigh* I wish I could 100% be myself, but on campus, I can't. Sucks!!! I can hear my brother making comments pertaining to Freud and "penis envy"...damn straight! If I had one, my life would be less complicated. I could go to the correct restroom, I could pass for who I'm meant to be, the idea of sex wouldn't be so complicated, more people I know would treat me like "one of the guys" without it being so awkward, (I think) it would be easier for people (ie; my brother and his family) to refer to me as "he", and others to view me as "he"...and many other reasons...I'm finally able to discover the real me, yet I STILL can't be myself. What's the point?? If I can't be myself...why try? I don't know??? Maybe it's just all of frustration coming out at one time. I just hope to one day, be able to be the true me.


Someday.

True Happiness

It's weird, the more I become comfortable with the real "me"...the less old habits and desires are appealing to me. It's like I'm a whole new "me". I'm happier with my appearance...I'm less stressed about if people are going to view me as a female (the way I was born) - now I worry about passing as a guy (who I am meant to be). I've changed the way I dress, look, behave, etc. I don't have nor plan on doing rainbow hair, I took my industrial piercing, and second hole earring out. My hair is a natural color, I have one earring per ear (sometimes only the one hoop in my left ear), I (try to) pull my voice deeper all the time, I'm actually not comfortable wearing anything more than boxers to bed...I think I would be able to cum easier if i had a penis at this point, which sucks! I'm looking into finding out how to get on testosterone. I think I may have to see a doctor in either tri-cities or Portland, right now I'm not 100% sure. I've also been thinking about taking my brother's suggestion and start shaving...one problem though, I don't know how. It's weird, I feel like I'm being given a second chance to find happiness in life...to find TRUE happiness. I'm just happy to be able to know that I'm not some "weirdo" because of not feeling comfortable in my own skin, feeling as though something just isn't right with who I am Most of all...I love being able to be the man, brother, uncle, friend, etc. I'm meant to be.

Being "me"

Lately things have been...confusing. I took my brother's suggestion and put my hair back to a natural colour. I've also been working on my mannerisms, which is going to be an ongoing learning experience (at least for a while)...I'm working on what mannerisms are more masculine than others, which is where I'm trying to figure out. I'm not entirely sure what I am or might be doing wrong. I know that people are now doing a "double take" trying to figure out if I'm male or female, which for me is cool...because that's what I'm going for. I want people to think I'm a guy...it means I look like who I was meant to be. I've been getting called "dude" and "sir" a lot more often :) Yay! But, I want to get referred to as "he" more often...but I don't know how to go about correcting people on that. Especially those who are used to referring to me as "she"...I've been reading up and chatting with some people on how to pass more like a guy. Some suggestions have been good. I value all the suggestions that I can get at this point. I've changed the way I style my hair, combing it from a side part vs. parting it down the middle...I bind any time I leave the house (with few exceptions)...I'm saving up for a binding shirt, should be more comfortable w/less bruising. I ended up with several bruises from binding, that and after a while it's hard to breath after binding for an entire day. I find that, for the most part, I'm happier being able to be and dress the way I want without any restrictions. I'm gradually working on what is referred to as "social transition", which I will likely stick with...unless I'm able to come up with the money for the surgery. I've been greatly debating on having the surgery. *sigh* I don't know though. I want to, but then again...I'm still debating it. I guess it's just the nervousness of something major like that in my life. I could only imagine the nervousness from eagerness that someone would feel the day before getting even part of the surgery done. I think that over time, I'll decide weather or not to go through it. Right now, "social transition" is nerve wrecking enough for me... :)

God loves me for who I am and where I'm at, unconditionally.
I love myself for who I am regardless of what others may say or think.

"Above all else: To thin own self be true..." -William Shakesphear

Lonely...still...

Why must life be so confusing? I just don't get it sometimes...one day things seem to be going pretty good, then the next thing I know it...things suck again. I don't know..maybe it's just me??? Things just seem to be an emotional roller-coaster lately, as my loving brother would put it "it's my borderline talking." Which is likely part of the reason I'm feeling the way I am. Who knows? I know part of it is the fact that this is the first year I've ever spent my birthday completely alone...hell, this is the longest I've ever lived alone. I've always lived with others or with others around me (Navy). Never truly alone...it's starting to really get to me, living alone. Hopefully it'll get better.

Fate

Whispering wondering fate is near
Whispering wondering in my ear
What it says is still unclear
What it wants will be revealed
As it whispers in the wind
My fate draws near an end

Lonely

I went to go straighten up Bug's room, I couldn't bring myself to finish. I miss her too damn much, I keep thinking that if I leave her room a mess that she'll be home any time now...but she won't. I need her here with me, she wants to be here with me. Why won't he just let her be where she obviously wants to be? She has told him that she wants to be here in walla walla and not in western Washington. To top all matters off...I likely won't get to talk to her tonight, because he "forgot" that he needed to be home when she got home so that I could talk to her...I just hope that he lets her stay up till I call when I get off from work. We'll see.

My week...thus far

This week started off pretty rough...had my visit with Bug this past weekend, then I had to bring her back to the meet-up point only to have her say almost the entire ride there that she didn't want to go. When we got there she spotted "dad" and bolted back in the car saying "I don't want to go." That broke my heart, because I didn't want her to go either. Then this week; Monday- I had my intake appointment (all over again) with my therapist's office - insurance issues - and missed most of my classes. Tuesday- I had a complete emotional breakdown in my first class and missed the rest of my classes during the day, with the exception of my psych class (only because I woke up in time for it). Wednesday- I told my family that I'm transgender, only to be dis-owned (joy). THEN...things got better :) I came to the conclusion that if they don't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me, then that's their choice and I'm not one to impede on their choice. Thursday- Got to go see "Seventh Gay Adventist" and LOVED it!!! I felt so comfortable even being in such a large crowd (which is unusual for me) without going through an anxiety attack. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I know most of the people there are accepting of the LGBT community and I didn't have to worry about being looked at funny or criticized. It was one of the best nights ever :) Today- I get to interview the producers of the movie....YAY!!! I'm so excited :) :) :) and I get to start seeing my therapist again :) Oddly, I miss being able to see her...I think it has to do with the fact that I was finally becoming comfortable with talking to her and not holding back. I hope that the rest of the day goes as well as yesterday :)

...depressed

It’s funny…my brother is the only person I know that can “call me out” on certain things…everyone else just believes whatever I tell them. For instance, I have two burns on my hands…one on my right hand, which is pretty much completely healed, and one on my left hand, which has yet to fully heal. I’ve pretty much told people that it was just “an accident,” my brother on the other hand…he flat out asked me if I did it was intentional. I can’t ever look directly at him when he asks me that, when I know the true answer is “yes”…and I’m pretty sure he knows it. It’s not like he doesn’t know me by now. The only thing that I can think of to “validate” me doing it is, it’s easier to try to explain vs. cutting... I’m just I try to cope with the “stress of life” each day, but it gets to the point where it seems like it’s too much for me to deal with, then the only way I know to deal with it is cut…but I can’t do that anymore. I try to keep going for Bug, but there are moments that even with that in mind…I just can’t deal with it anymore. My brother and therapist have both suggested that I call the crisis line, but they just go off of a script of how to deal with different situations…it’s not like they are (professionally) trained in dealing with any type of crisis. Last time I called one, they put me on hold…I ended up hanging up. I’ve not called a crisis line since…I just “deal” with things on my own. I just rather talk to someone I trust vs someone that I don’t know or have never met.
The other thing that he “called me out on”...which now that I look out it, he’s right. I’d mentioned to him that I have an appointment on Monday to see my doctor about getting put on something for my depression, because I don’t know when I’m going to see Varnell again and I need to be put on something before I do more than just SI…right now, I’m scared of myself. The medication that I mentioned that I’m going to try to get back on, my brother had also suggested because it also helps with anxiety and (to quote him), “it’ll make you less horny”…his bluntness still throws me off, which by now it shouldn't. But, until he mentioned me going to the volleyball games and me thinking about how much I used to go when my ex used to play…I didn't realize how off my hormones have been this last month. It’s like my mind decided it’s free now that I don’t have to worry about how RJ feels or anything. Though I know I’ll have to watch myself with Bug here next weekend. I had to be especially careful while I was at work today; we have 500 high school students plus their family on campus for some sporting even this weekend. A lot of the teenagers you can’t tell the difference between them and some of the college students here. I’ve never staired at the floor so much in a very long time. It kept me out of trouble…a bunch of the guys at work last night even joked around that you can’t tell the difference, and they made cracks about “jail bait”…which I know what they’re talking about…you can’t even look at ‘em, because then your mind starts thinking about actually being with them, and that’s just as bad as the actual act. I just wish “being me” wasn’t as difficult as it is…
Right now, me being alone...probably not the wisest thing, but it's the only option I have....

Unwanted Desire

I love speaking out for people, like myself, who are not treated equally here on campus...there are just times I wish I could be left alone, times I wish...hell I just wish I could be invisible to everyone around. I don't know...I don't like being me some days.

I'm just really not having a good day right now.I didn't want to get up this morning and go to class. I just threw clothes on this morning without any thought as to what I'm wearing. I fell asleep last night in tears...I know that I volunteered to participate in the psych class, yesterday just brought up a lot of old memories that I'd managed to push to the back of my mind, that is until yesterday. I guess it's good to, eventually, talk about some of the experiences that I've been through...I just never thought it would be this hard. Lately it's been really hard for me not to start cutting again. I want to, but know that I shouldn't...the desire is always and will always be there; the desire to do so has been stronger this week vs the past several weeks. I just wish it would go away.

Mentally Fucked

Well, I found out that I qualify for the state's ABD program, so I got my medical back...and I'll be getting some cash assistance. The downfall to that, RJ will be getting most of it. They're pulling the child support out of what little money I get. It's so freakin' screwed up I'm ticked. I hardly get anything, because I'm on my own...what money I was depending on to pay my bills and what-not his stupid lazy ass is getting. He's not in school...not employed, and yet getting most of the money that I'm supposed to get. All of that is on top of the money he's already getting from the freakin' state!!! This is making it impossible for me to even "survive" out here. If it weren't for Bug...I'd go back home. I'm done. This bullshit is tearing me apart...I don't know what to do to get my child support payments lowered...I can't afford the $187 a month that they're asking. With what they're making me pay and the fact that I know he's not going to use it all for Bug...I might as well just give up on trying. It's not like I'm going to "win" come December. If I do get custody...I'm not going to be able to keep my job at the caff because I'll have to be home with her. I won't have any income to be able to provide for her...what kind of life will I be able to offer her??? I can't guarantee that I'll stay in the right mental state all the time to be able to properly take care of her...he's right, I'm too (mentally) fucked up to take care of her. I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could get custody of her...who am I fooling??? I can't even take care of myself...let alone a 10 y/o.

Happy Day

Well, yesterday was a little frustrating...but I managed to work through it. I had a hard time emotionally, and I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time. I wish I could nail down why I was feeling so emotional yesterday...it just seemed to come out of nowhere. I did however enjoy Dr. Bob's Counseling Psychology class that I'm, basically, a guinea pig in the class for this quarter...it's great information, however, for me to learn (even though I won't get credit for being in the class). I think I'm really going to enjoy the class. I had fun yesterday, he had me sit in front of the class and the students got to one at a time "play" counselor with me to figure out one thing that I (really) struggle with...when one of the guys (the only one to volunteer) got the base "issue" for me- the fact that I'm a lesbian. When I finally did "come out" to them, pretty much everyone got quiet and their demeanor changed as well. He ran out of questions to ask, wasn't sure where to go from there. Several of them became rather uncomfortable by who I am and what I "represent" here on campus. I told them that anything they ask, I'll be honest, and that nothing they ask me will "hurt my feelings." Basically, I'm learning to be bluntly honest...otherwise it doesn't do me or anyone else any good. I guess it's thanks to my brother that I'm learning to be blunt when I answer people. It's a good trait to learn.
Today has gone a bit better though...I had volleyball, which was fun :) I love it, not just because I enjoy the game, because I got a good workout...you hardly ever stand still. I'm looking forward to the girl's volleyball game tomorrow night :) tee hee hee :) I also had the coolest thing happen today...
So, I was walking home from a meeting with the Collegian news staff when the manager of the SAC (food area) and the caff stops me and asks me if my hair colour is permanent, I'd told him that it (eventually) washes out. We'd talked about how he wants to do streaks in his hair for breast cancer awareness month, I told him where he could go and what he'd need to ask when it comes to getting the hair colour. After our conversation, I went daring (even though I was still in my PT gear), asked if they were hiring. He had me go upstairs with him, fill out an application, and pick my hours from what was still available...I'm so excited!!! Even though it's not the most "fashionable" job, it's a job and I start on Friday :) YaY!!! Today definitely made up for the kinda' crummy way I was feeling yesterday. I'm just really happy right now :) :) :) :)

Volleyball :)

Well, today was a pretty good day...even with my loving brother irritating me. It was a bit of a challenge not getting upset with him, because I know that he was just picking on me (I think). I'm just glad I got to see him during the day today, not something that normally happens. It was kind of coincidental that I did, we just both happened to need to go to DSHS around the same time today. Then I went to my first sporting event here at WWU, girls volleyball. I will definitely be attending more girl's sports events. I forgot how much good they look in their uniforms. One of my ex's used to play girl's volleyball and I went to every one of the home games, even after she broke up with me :)
Over all, today was pretty laid back...which, lately, is rather unusual. I really enjoyed it. I did have a few moments where I felt like crap, which I couldn't figure out why...but I made it through them instead of getting stuck in them. I actually ate today, which lately is unusual...I'm told that I need to at least eat something, even if I don't "feel" hungry. I'm working on eating something during the day, even if it's just a piece of fruit. Another thing I'm working on is waking up early, and staying awake, in the morning...not an easy one for me, especially lately. Mornings are usually the hardest for me, ever since RJ taking off. I thought that by moving out of the house, things would get easier but they just got harder. It's weird.
Anyways, enough about that....
My day, overall, was good...and that's what matters most.

...Family

Well, thankfully yesterday went a whole lot better. I had a huge weight, temporarily, lifted off of my shoulders…only downfall to it, I do still have to, somehow, come up with the 2k…which by end of quarter will definitely be 3k. I really need to find a job…somewhere…anywhere. I’ve got a few leads, which I will be looking into today. I’m just hoping that one of these leads works out. I need to show that I have stable income and a stable place to stay by the next court date in December…which, turns out, is during review week…could this possibly get any more inconvenient? But, I have to look at the up side to this, I still have my apartment, I start classes next week, I (hopefully) get Ali in a few weeks…things are still good. I’m learning to step back and evaluate things before getting upset about the negative.
I'll be taking on a roommate to cut down on the cost of things around the apartment. Hopefully with that, I'll be able to pay the deposit with the power company...freakin' $110. I find out this week if I qualify for the ABD program with DSHS...I'm really hoping that I do. I don't like having to utilize state resources, realistically - I don't have a choice. I'm a student with no job, no income, and in need of help for food, medical, and cash to pay bills. My only other option is either rob a bank (which I'm not doing) or donate plasma/some internal organ. I don't really have anything I can sell. I've, for the most part, sold everything I possibly can. If I can get someone to buy the XBox, then I'll sell it. Right now, I just need the money to survive. My family likes to throw a fit whenever I get my hair done, even though all I'm paying for is the hair cut...not getting it coloured. Though they don't want to listen to the fact that what I have put in my hair (the dye) I own, I have for a few months now...and the bleach kit, my hairdresser provided. Again, only paying for the haircut. Yet they tell me I need to put Bug first...I do! I just needed a hair cut!!! My family confuses me.
I wish I would have gotten more sleep last night, but it just means I go to bed, hopefully earlier tonight. I've gotten into the habit of waking up between 0715 and 0745, which is good because I have biology lab at 0800 on Tuesdays and Biology class at 0900 on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Starting to wake up early is a potential good thing. Just getting to the point of staying asleep at night that's going to be the challenge. I'm praying that it happens before Sunday, because classes start on Monday.
I love being here, and this far from my family.

Hell Inside

Yesterday evening/last night was rough...I was at the end of my ability of dealing with anything, down to life in general. I was having what my, loving, brother referred to as a "Borderline moment"...maybe he's right. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night, after he and I talked for about an hour...I wrote up a "safety contract" that I wouldn't harm myself. Was probably a good idea...though I sat on my bed staring at the rope that I had intended on hanging myself with, I suddenly had Bug's face run through my mind and broke down into tears. I'm so scared of RJ "winning" this full court case and getting permanent full custody of Bug. It's just hard to think of not having her around anymore...like he would be taking her away from me. Again, I know that's the Borderline in me...but it's not like it's something I can just "turn off." There are times I wish I could just "turn it off" and be somewhat "normal." I've not known, most of my life, what its like to truly "feel," everything feels more like a blur of emotions...not knowing how I'm going to feel from one moment to the next. It sucks! Those that don't know, don't understand. It's only those who, admittedly, have it that truly understand what someone else who has BPD goes through each day...the, emotional, hell I go through each day. I try to stay in a positive mood, yet there are days...try as I might, I'm unsuccessful. I'm going to start to keep notes on my moods and medication each day, so that when I see Varnell I'm able to know what I want to talk about, as far as my medication. Which right now, I'd like to be on something that'll help with my depression. That's the one thing that I'd love to get under control...it's the one thing that I can't seem to kick, no matter how hard I try...I try to put the facade on that "everything's okay." Just to keep people from worrying about me. I don't want others to know about the hell I'm really going through inside.

I hate it.

"Death"

Death is coming
Death is near
Death is whispering in my ear
As it comes closer now
The whispers they tell me how
How to put an end
End this pain
End this shame
They do tell me
That it will be swift
It will be quick
Death is coming for me now
I wish it
I will it
To end all things now

Gone

I’m at the point where I just want to say fuck it all, and get rid of everything. I’m so tired of having to go through everything by myself, but I’m afraid that if I do that and then I get Bug back that I’ll be kicking myself for a very long time. What I might just do is go through everything all over again and just keep what I absolutely can’t part with…books, pictures, some of Bug’s toys, etc. and then chunk the rest. I think that, that would make this whole process much easier and slim down everything by a hell of a lot. Besides being tired of dealing with having to go through everything, I’m just tired of life in general. I try to have fun and all, but the more I try…the more I feel like shit. I coloured my hair “punk” colours, and had fun doing it – in fact I love the way it looks, but I hate the way I feel. It’s hard to explain…the best way I can put it is, I wish I could just crawl into a hole and disappear. It would take a while for anyone to realize that I’m gone. I live alone, my “sunshine’s” been taken from me and I don't really get to see her…I’ve got nothing left. Its just not worth the pain anymore. Yeah, I’ve got my book that I need to finish typing up…but its not like anyone is going to read it…I sent the first two chapters to my brother to figure out if the flow of the story is good and to get his, brutally, honest opinion on it…but personally, I’m not sure it’s that good. I wrote it when I was 16 and finished when I was 18…I did an epilog to hint to another book, but I can’t come up with anything for a second book. I used to be a good writer, but now the only thing I’m good at is poetry – even that is…eh, ok. I don’t think I want to finish typing this story up. I don’t know if I want to continue going on like everything is ok…I have to put this façade up as though I’m ok, just so that people believe it and don’t worry or have any concern about how I’m really doing. I’m back to telling everyone what they want to hear, not what I’d like to tell them…no one really wants to know how I’m doing, no one cares.

I’m alone…
…all alone.

Pure Enjoyment

Well, today ended up being busier than expected...which made time go by rather quickly. I had a meeting at DSHS with their social worker to do my intake for their ABD (Aged, Blind, and Disabled) program, which would get me not only medical, but cash and keep my on food assistance. Which would be helpful, considering the last few interviews I had, I blew. I had such an anxiety issue during them, I couldn't sit still or talk clearly...to top all matters off, I couldn't keep eye contact at all. I hate interviews. I wouldn't mind finding a job, but I can't seem to make it through the interview part. My job with Blockbuster, that lasted the longest out of any job I'd ever had (lasted just over 3 years), the manager was very understanding of my anxiety issues and even helped me out when I was working. She and most of the shift leaders knew how to tell if I couldn't handle being on register anymore and would have me check movies in, take stock count...anything else. Then the new manager took over the store and wasn't willing to work with me...hence my getting fired from that job. I enjoy working, it's just really hard to do tedious work. Most of my jobs have been tedious work after a short time. I would always try to do my best, but...I don't know, people (co-workers) would just annoy me...and, well, my filter between my brain and mouth wouldn't always work. Unfortunately, I would often get into trouble, fired, because of my "moodiness" (unpredictable mood). I look forward to the day that I'm 100% stable on my medication; which would take my shrik listening to me (not likely to happen) and put me on what I know works. I just wish I had a doctor that would listen to me, for once...it's my freaking body!!! I know what does and doesn't work damn it!!!

On a positive note...
While going through stuff in my storage "closet," I found a bunch of poems that I wrote back in high school :) I'm happy :) I also found the book I wrote back in high school, now I can go through it and re-type it out and fix the errors. It won't be anything I really publish, not for sale at least. I'll have just a few copies published for a few select people. I wrote it for fun, not with the purpose of publishing and selling it...that's how I'd want to keep it. I love to write, but I don't want to be anything like my sister, writing to make money. I do it for the pure enjoyment of it. Now, working for the school newspaper, that's another story...that's not really writing I "enjoy," that I do for the purpose of making money. There's a difference between writing you enjoy and writing you do for the purpose of making money...they should never be intertwined, at least in my personal opinion. I love to write :) but it's not my life, it's only a fraction of who I am.


"Above all else: To thine own self be true..."

"Stuff"

Well, today went okay...I went and got my application for Section 8 housing filled out and turned in, after getting completely turned around in downtown Walla Walla. It was only supposed to be about 1/2 mile walk from the bus stop to the Walla Walla Housing Authority office...I ended up walking a mile before finding the office. But it was a much enjoyed walk. Other than that...pretty uneventful day. Went through boxes, tossed a bunch of "stuff." Mostly things that were mine, but it's all only "stuff," not like an of it can't be, eventually, replaced...if I really need to. Honestly, I don't think I'll miss much, if any, of it. I'm learning to look at belongings from a different perspective. A lot of it, I haven't seen in, at least, a year...if I haven't missed it this long, I doubt I'll miss it in 3, 6, 12 months or longer. It's all "things," my daughter cannot be replaced...there's only one of her. I'm looking at not only "things" but life in an entirely new perspective...life is too valuable to worry about the "stuff" we own. I think this situation that I'm going through is a learning experience on what's important and what isn't, though it's not easy. But, then again...if things were ever meant to be easy, we wouldn't learn from any of it. Life is an ongoing lesson that we always learn something new from it. "Above all else: To thine own self be true..."

Stuck

*sigh*I'm stuck in a position that isn't easy...I want to stay in the Walla Walla area, I like it out here...I have a good support system out here...hell, I have friends out here. The down fall of me staying out here is I wouldn't get to see Bug that much. I move back out to Western Washington, I have no friends, no support system...I have nothing out there, except my daughter. It's a double edge sword...I move, I get to see Bug more than what is on the temporary parenting plan; I stay here, I don't get to see Bug quite as much as I'd like to, but I have a good support system and great friends.

Ever since RJ took off, things have been weird for me...you never realize how much you depend on someone else's presence until they're not there anymore. I'm having to depend on myself for everything, which isn't something I'm used to having to do. I moved into this apartment only a few weeks ago, and I have to move out already. This sucks! I know that this problem is external and that I need to work through it, it just feels impossible. Me moving out might end up being a good thing, but I won't know until it’s already happened. RJ called today telling me that Dennis and Tracy are willing to help move mine and RJ’s belongings if I help out with gas costs, not a problem...I was planning on borrowing money from my family to rent the trailer (which doesn’t cost a lot) so that I can get my belongings moved. Then he told me that I have to get rid of somewhere around 75-90% of MY belongings, including furniture. So, now I’m having to go through all of my stuff, not that I wasn’t already doing so, and get rid of more things then I was planning. The way I look at it right now is, it’s just “stuff”...not like it can’t be replaced if I need it again. I am going to be able to keep all of my books, which I’m happy about. Now I’m down to where the heck am I going to stay while I’m out there? At least until I get a job and am able to get a place of my own…my brother said he would, except right now he’s got him, his partner, and 8 other people staying with him. Which is understandable, even with being in a good size place (he’s in a 4 bedroom house) things can/will eventually become cramped. I’m just at the point of, wtf am I going to do come the end of the month??? If I don’t find someone I can stay with, soon, I’m going to have to look into shelter programs…as much as I’d rather not. For the first time in my life, I’m scared of, “what’s going to happen?” I don’t know…maybe I’m becoming scared for no reason. I’m going to be applying for “Section 8” housing tomorrow…but there’s at least a 6 month waiting period. *sigh* What am I supposed to do for that 6 months??? I’m doing what I can to better myself, and what I have to in order to get custody of my daughter. I know that normally it’s three steps forward and one step back, right now it feels like one step forward and five steps back. I’m trying to stay positive, but today it seems really hard to do so. I’m trying the best I can to try to keep this in perspective that this can be worked through; trying to figure out how is what’s getting to me. When we lived in Western Washington I was able to figure out or find resources for pretty much anything…out here, with such few resources…I don’t know where to turn. Even though I know a few people here, I don’t feel comfortable asking any of them if I can stay at their place until my brother in Shoreline can let me stay with him or I get into “Section 8” housing…whichever happens first.

Besides all that mess…I’m sick and tired of this stinkin’ sprinkler shooting through my window at 4a…I’ve been remembering, most nights, to shut my window before I fall asleep. Well, needless to say, last night I forgot to…I got a face full of water around 4a. Yiesh!!! When I woke up around 8a, I was able to look back and laugh about my mistake and how I deserved the face full of water. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make that mistake again tonight, or for the rest of the week either. Other than the few irritations, in which I ranted about, my day has actually been pretty good. Going through stuff has been a little stressful, but it’s something that needed to be done anyways. I just, having to do it in such a short amount of time, am getting a bit stressed and overwhelmed. Though I’ve found my gerbils to be of great humor today, I’m sitting watching them and apparently I’ve got two trouble makers. Watching them, I found that two of them have figured out how to climb on the wheel and chew on the top edge of the fish tank they’re in…and damned if the other two catch on…I think I’m going to be in trouble here before too long. Though, this is humorous because they’ll get their balance and then one of the others will start running on the wheel, knocking them down. This is too funny…cheep amusement :) Gotta’ love it :)

Yashuah loves me regardless of who I am.

I love myself for who I am, regardless of what others may say or think.

"Above all else: To thine own self be true..."

Writing and Reading

I've discovered, I'm starting to write more and more in my online "journal" (blog) than my actual journal. It's just become easier to use my online journal lately...I'll type it out on my computer in "Word Pad" and then cut and paste it into my journal when I'm able to get online...it forces me to look at what I'm writing/I've written vs. before when I would just type and not pay attention to a thing I've written. I think it's important for me to see the thoughts and feelings I'm getting out, otherwise I won't be able to know what I need to work through, instead of getting everything out and bottling up all of the feelings behind what I've written. I'm making this one of the sections of my puzzle, working out my emotions and feelings...not just on my own, but knowing what needs to be worked through. In the end, it'll make my time in counseling more productive...I'll know exactlly what I want to talk to, or am ready to talk about.
For one to have to read what they're writing in their journal after not reading it in a ,very long time...it's odd. I can say that on a 0-10 scale, 0 being wanting to put needles in my eyes 10 being wanting to streak in public, on my comfort level when it comes to me reading what I write....I'm at about a 3. This isn't something that I'm used to, but in time I'm sure I'll get used to it. It's like pulling a band-aide off slowely, hurts at first...but then not so much.
In time I'll read all of my journal posts, one by one. Again, in time...slowly. Things that are productive to bettering one's self, it often takes time...what we want and what Yashuah intends for our lives are often two different things. Right now, I'm thinking that even though I've only lived here a short time...I feel as though I'm possibly being lead in another direction. What is intended for my life right now, I don't know...all I know is that I need to continue to listen to Him. I've often looked at life as being one step foward and two steps back...when in actuality, it's three steps foward and one step back. We, as humans with having our own choice, are constantly running away from Yashuah and ourselves....when we run He continues to follow us. He chases after us, unlike our friends or family...they eventually get tired of chasing after us and wait to see if we come back around, if we do - great...but if we don't - we don't. That's just the way life is, we can't run from ourselves or others forever...we must, eventually, face our own deamonds and work through them - regardless of how hard or painful it may be...if we don't we will never find true happiness in ourselves or the world.
I'm done running.

Yashuah loves me regardless of who I am.
I love myself for who I am, regardless of what others may say or think.
"Above all else: To thine own self be true..."

Life's a Puzzle

"Hello, I'm Danni, I'm a lesbian and a transsexual."

My life's journey has not been an easy one...but who ever said it was going to be easy. If things were meant to be easy, then we wouldn't learn from them. A new page in my life, my journey, has been turned...now I just have to work through it. Often times working through a part of life's journey is like doing a 1000+ piece puzzle, you have to do it one piece at a time and usually working around the edges first helps get to the center of the puzzle. First I have to work through the outside influences, problems, and internalize them so that they are my problems not everyone else's. Right now, I'm still working on part of the outside edges...though I've managed my way through parts of the edges and some bits of the center pieces, but I still have a while until the puzzle is complete. Though not having custody of my daughter is extremelly hard, I'd be a liar if I said otherwise, but it gives me time to work through this puzzle of self-discovery. I've been able to figure out bits and pieces of who I really am, but for now it's putting those pieces together and figuring out who I am as a whole. The hardest thing today, talking to my brother, was admitting outloud, part of, who I am and putting a personalization (saying my name) with it. I need to admit who I am, and not be ashamed of it. I CAN NOT be affraid or ashamed of who I am, if I continue to be I'll just be destroying myself. I need to be accepting of myself before I can expect people to accept me for who I am. I also need to stop living the way people think, say, or expect me to...I need to stop depending on what others say and start depending on just myself. I need to get out of the, "so what do you think if..." mentality, I have my own thoughts and opinions and need to start living by them. If I continue to depend on them, I won't be setting a very good example for Bug. I want her to know that its not a bad thing to be independant and live the way you think you should, not depending on other people's thoughts and opinions.

"Above all else: To thine own self be true."

Frustrated

Well, my mother asked me last night why I preferr wearing men's clothes vs women's, I ended up telling her that it's because I'm more comfortable in them. What I wanted to say was, "because I'm transsexual, plus it's the way I'm comfortable dressing." However, I can't seem to bring myself to tell her. I don't know if its because I'm scared of her reaction or me just trying to appease her by not saying anything. *sigh* I'm trying to live by, "Above all: to thine own self be true." -William Shakesphear But its really hard to live by when you're still not fully accepting of yourself. I still, at times, look at myself trying to figure out “why me?" I don't understand why I was born the way I was...no one else in my family, that I know of, is this physically and mentally screwed up.
Anyhow...I left this morning for my court date on tomorrow morning. I'm not looking foward to this. I get her back right now, towards the end of this month I won't know where we're going to live...unless I come up with $2000 towards my tuition. I don't get her back, I may loose my mind..yet I'll still loose my apartment. Either way you look at it, it's a loose, loose situation. There's no way of me coming up with that much money, especially not in two weeks...its just impossible. I asked my sister if I could borrow money from her, and she's unable to. I fear asking my mother and father, even though it would be to help out their only grandchild. This is just frustrating...when it rains, it freaking pours. At this rate, I'm going to have to go back home to my parent's house...which, honestly, is the last place I want to have to go. Unfortunately, it may be the only choice I have. Even then, I don't think I'd be able to do that...I don't think I'd be able to leave the state with her. So...that would mean RJ would get custody of her...then I'd hardly ever get to see her. I need to figure something out, and SOON. When I get her back, I don't want to loose her again.

Oi...Men!!!

Men, they have things so easy. They don't have to sit down to urinate, they don't have to shave their legs...hell, if they don't want to they don't have to shave their facial hair. Not to mention they have an easier time masturbating and having sex. Women...have to sit to urinate (which sucks when you're taking a bath, the seat ends up wet), they have to shave their legs (otherwise it's socially un acceptable), if they get even one black facial hair they have to pluck it (which isn't the most comfortable thing to have to do), masturbating and sex suck...you lie on your back and pray to have an orgasm (if not it just sucks). Maybe it's just the fact that I don't feel I was ment to be born a female, I'm physically female but mentally male (transsexual). I'm more comfortable wearing men's clothes, "acting" like one of the guys...its just the way I feel more like myself. I wear women's clothes and I'm so uncomfortable...I don't know how to explain it. I hate who I am, physically. It doesn't feel like who I should be. At times, it's confusing for me. There are times people refer to me as a female...then there are times people refer to me as a guy. I've found that either way I don't care, but I find...enjoyment...when people look at me as a guy. I don't correct them either way, because both are fitting to me.
I was reading over the divorce papers, and he's giving me the choice to change my name to whatever I want...I'm considering changing my first name to "Danni," seeing that, that's what I go by anyway. But then, I don't want to upset my parents...they both lay claim to picking out my first name. That and neither of them will call me by my preferred name. If I change it, I don't think they'd call me by my new legal name, regardless how I feel. I've already told my mother that I don't want to be called "Danielle" because that's not what I go by. I dunno'? I know that it's my decision in the end...but input from my friends, if they'd call me by "Danni" or not. I know that my brother and his family would, because that's what they already call me. *sigh*
Another issue I'm facing is deciding to, eventually, start taking testosteron supliments or not. I know that I'll never be able to afford the surgery, but the supliments would atleast give me some of the effects that I'm looking for...maybe I'm just going wacky?

Keep Pushing On

Well, this week has been an interesting one...I managed to sell the table, only to find out that it was worth way more than I sold it for. Oh well...I got it sold and that's what I'm most concerned about. I finally got into my storage unit, after 2 days of complaining about having a lock on it, only to find that whomever had lived in my apartment before me left a bunch of their junk in the storage unit. After it taking me two days to clear it all out, I ended up with some pretty cool stuff that I can use. I found some video games that I was able to sell (for way less than they were worth, but I needed the money) and between what I already had, selling the table, and the video games...I ended up with just enough to buy my train ticket for next week. Now all I have to do is come up with the money for Ali's train ticket and gas money for my brother that I'll be staying with while I'm out there. That's about another $75-$100. Oi! I've had two people, now, email me about the washer and dryer...yet neither want to email me back about when they want to come see them. This is frustrating. If I could just sell those two items...
I finally got to talk to Ali after ten days of not hearing from her...I miss her so much. It's getting hard to talk to her and not cry. I looked in my notebook, and so far I've literally only spoke with her for the equivilence of one week since she's been gone...and she's been gone for going on four weeks. By the time the court date comes up, it'll of been a month since I've seen her. This is...*sigh* pissing me off, and I hate being angry.
I tried to work on Ali's room, by myself earlier this week, and ended up getting upset and pissed...to the point of throwing things down the stairs. I ended up in complete tears, I was ready to hang myself...I couldn't take it anymore. Its still hard. I've been trying to stay in the "right frame of mind" but it's hard to do. I'm resisting cutting or any type of SI behavior. With always having that on the back of my mind and having to remember that even though the temptation is there, I can't act on it. The one thing that keeps me going is the fact that I love my daughter, and I know she loves me as well...I just have to remember that at the very least.

Miracle?

Well, I learned that I can't spend a lot of time at one time in Ali's room trying to get it packed. I tried to get the rest knocked out yesterday morning (by myself), so that I could get it cleaned and her bathroom cleaned...I had a complete breakdown. I, mentally, could not handle it. I was ready to give up on everything...after all this time of being able to push those feelings back. I can't handle them, and I need to keep myself in control...I can't let him win. I'm not sure where I'm going to get the money to catch the train for the court date, but I'm sure I'll, somehow, come up with it. I just hope that it's not last minute. I also have to make sure that I have the money to get Ali back here, just in case I do get her back...God I wish I could just come up with it by Thursday, so that I can get my ticket ordered. As much as I don't want to, I may have to go up to the church, yet again, to get their help. I don't want to have to ask them for financial help again, because I just got their help two weeks ago with my deposit on the apartment. *Sigh* I don't know what else to do. I've contemplated robbing a bank (just kidding). I can't ask my family. I've got about $75...which isn't even enough to get a one way ticket. Round trip is about $70. I need about another $100 plus money to give my brother for gas. So, about another $120...I'd have to sell the washer and dryer set and the table to get that much. Though I'd prefer to be able to sell the xbox...that would give me enough to pay for my ticket and put some money towards my tuition. If I sold all 3...that would be awesome!!! Doubtful, but awesome. I need prayer for a miracle of some sort.

Thinking

Its weird, when I sit down and talk to my brother...he pretty much always has my mind going, thinking about something. He, some how, always seems to be in a decent mood and is able to lift mine up just by being around him. Then there are the days that, only a few hours later, my mom calls and rips me apart. I just don't understand the woman. I try to "tip-toe" around her, so that I don't upset or offend her...yet there's nothing I can do about it. I swear the woman is bipolar. She's, right now, swinging from a high to a low...and I'm getting the brunt of it. Shit! Love her to death...thank God I'm as far away from her as I am. I don't have to deal with her mood swings constantly. She gets mean when she's in a low. Yiesh!!! I'm starting to wonder how I made it through my teen years with her. Could explain her kicking me out when I first "came out" to her and my step-dad. Love them to death. They wonder why I'm in counseling. Oi!
Now that I went on my little rant.
This time my brother got me thinking about porn...go freakin' figure. He'd asked me why I'm "turned off" by m/f porn...I told him that I don't know. Walking home, I think that I figured it out, the times that I did see m/f porn was when in h.s and it was really crappy amateur stuff. So, I'd only had a few experiences with it and since then all I've seen was f/f. Seeing that I have to use the school's wifi service, I can't exactly look much up. Even with it being my own personal computer, everything is freakin' blocked. This city has nothing...not even a REAL bookstore. A Barnes & Noble or Borders bookstore would be so awesome to see out here....but NOOOOO....of course not! There's no newsstand to buy magazines. It's like this podunk area doesn't know what the real world is. What I wouldn't give to be able to go to a real bookstore or newsstand, where I can actually get a magazine or have a decent choice of what I want to get. Not all this censored b.s.
Okay, so now that I've gone on two rants in a row...things are...well, going. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen Bug, and am hopeful to get to see or (preferably) get her back on the 6th. We'll see. I'm just hopeful to make it out there. I just need to find a bank to rob. Then I'll make it out there...j/k btw on robbing a bank, just frustrated right now. I'm just praying that something...a miracle happens, SOON.

Would I?

I've figured it out, with me living by myself and as quiet of an area I'm in...no one would miss me. It would likely take several days or weeks for anyone to notice me gone. I'm at the point of not caring anymore. I likely won't make it to Seattle/Tacoma area for the court hearing next week and RJ will end up with custody of Bug...it's just I don't have the money to go. The only way I'd have the money to go is if I use the money my mom sends me to keep my phone active and pay my power bill. Even then I'd be short around $40 and wouldn't have money to give my friend for gas, because he's going to be taking me to the court hearing and to the train station. It's frustrating...


Anyways, I doubt anyone would notice my absence or miss me...

Going Crazy

I feel like I'm going to go crazy....oh wait! that's right...too late :P Any whootin' how...I've got almost the entire first floor of the house moved over to the apartment, the stuff that isn't going into storage at least. I'm going to be going over to get the last few things that aren't going into storage later, and get some cleaning done, time pending that is. Tomorrow, I'm going to finish the first floor and try to brave it out and start on Bug's space (the 2nd floor) on my own. I'm not sure how far I'll get with that. I just want to leave it all the way she left it, so that it's the way "she wanted it," but I can't because I'm now in the apartment. I need to get the house finished up SOON. I only have until Friday to finish it up and turn my key in. I need to get the key back from RJ on the 6th, otherwise I get stuck with a $50 fee for them having to re-key the entire house...a fee I'd rather not get hit with. I thought that moving would make things easier, because then I'm not in the house...it hasn't helped one bit, its still too quiet. Today sucks. Perfect weather outside...not too hot or too cold, its perfect weather to go to the park. Something I would have done today if Bug were here. Now granted it wouldn't be the big park RJ would take her to, but we have a cute park close to the apartment that has an open field that we could try to fly her kite in, which I know she'd enjoy attempting...even if we didn't succeed. I'm praying that the judge rules in my favor and has RJ give custody of Bug back over to me. Normally I wouldn't say this, but he doesn't deserve to have custody of her right now. He's staying in a 3 bedroom house with 7 other people, making 9 people total. Then he took off with Bug while I was asleep, what's to say he won't take off again...this time to where I really couldn't find her. Not a risk I want to take. At least if I had custody of her, he'd know where we are. I'm enrolled for school here, so its not like I'm going to up and take off with her. My mom's is the last place I'd go, don't get me wrong...I love my mom, the woman drives me crazy. Why would I stay with someone that drives me nuts??? She constantly asks me why I'm in therapy...one day I'm going to flat out tell her, "partly because of YOU!" But for now, I keep the peace.
>
But in all seriousness...if I don't get Bug back, I don't know what I'll do. She's my world, my life, my baby girl...she's my inspiration to "keep going." Without her...I don't know. I think that RJ knows this...and if he does I pray he doesn't use it against me. He's already pulling the "mentally unstable" card...and past diagnosis that I was given, but what he doesn't know is that I have a letter from my therapist saying that I've been consistent with my weekly sessions and the axis 1 diagnosis that my current psychiatrist has given...which doesn't include what he's claiming. I've been trying to "play nice" this entire time, but apparently "playing nice" doesn't get me anywhere. I hate feeling like I have to be...mean? about this. I'm not sure what emotion to put with this, but that's the one that a lot of people have said I need to be.

I just pray that I come up with the money to get out there one way or another. I need to...somehow.

hate it

I'm hating all of this. I hate the lies that have been put out there. I hate the deception that has been going on since January. I hate that this is all my fault. If I don't come up with the money I need by the end of the week, I'm not going to be able to afford to catch a flight out to SeaTac airport for the first court date. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get to see my daughter soon. It's now been two weeks since I've seen her...the only time I've gone this long without seeing her is when she was at sleep-away camp. *sigh* I hate this feeling. She was my world...it feels like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. I'm having to move into a smaller place because of all of this, which is a process in itself. Everyone keeps telling me to trust in God, he'll make it to where I come up with what I need...if that were the case, why did RJ take off with Bug without telling me how he felt??? The God I know....*sigh* whatever.

I've not a clue

I'm sitting here trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong? He's...the paperwork I just got delivered to me, it's not him. RJ taking off is not like him, he's not one to just runaway from a problem. He's not like that. Not the RJ I know... When you think you know someone, 11 years we've known eachother...you'd think that I'd know him. I guess I didn't.I don't know what forced him to write these lies about me. You think you know someone. He's trying to hold my mental health issues against me, saying that I'm "unpredictable." I won't lie, yes at one point I was...but that was when I was not on medication or not stable on my medication. I'm now in therapy, stable on my meds (which I have been for a few months now), and am predictable. He also claimed that we'd been "separated" since January...WTF?!?!? Hell, we were still having sex in January...where the hell is he coming up with we were separated (sleeping in different rooms) since January from...is he pulling this shit out of his ass?!?!? I know where he's getting most of these lies, from the bitch and her ex!!!! Fuck 'em!!! He wants the parenting plan he put together...he's going to fight me for it!!! The one I put together has it to where we get her for about the same amount of time. That way she gets to spend 1/2 the time with me 1/2 the time with him. I'm being MORE than generous with the parenting plan I came up with. I don't want this whole issue to drag out or hurt her. She deserves to get to see us for equal amounts of time. Not one majority of the time and the other 3-5 days out of the year...SUPERVISED!!! Screw that noise....AHHHHHHHHH......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn it! I hate feeling like this. I don't like getting angry. I hate it.

Emptiness

I feel so empty inside. That's the best way I can possibly describe how I'm doing. I'm not sure how long I can survive this feeling. I hate it. I thought that I'd never feel this again. I feel like I'm just a shell wondering around this world with no purpose left...I welcome an end. I almost stepped in front of a speeding car, the only reason I didn't is because of Bug. I'm trying to remember that she still needs me, but it's becoming harder and harder to keep going. I have, almost, no desire to "keep going." I wish I could just escape this all...

Lonely

It's now been a week since I've seen Bug and RJ. It's weird, but I miss them both. I'm having to pack everything up, because I need to move into a smaller place. I went to go pack RJ's room up, and unlike most people, I neatly packed RJ's clothes. I figure even though I'm having to use yard waste bags to pack his clothes, it doesn't mean I shouldn't pack his clothes as neatly as I can. Maybe I'm weird, but I still care about him. I feel like I lost my two best friends when he took off. I would give up everything to have them back. I would go as far as denying who I am if it meant them coming back. It's all my fault that they're gone...if I would have continued being the "perfect" housewife and kept my personal life private, then none of this would have happened. I'd still have my family. I haven't spoken to Ali in two days now...I miss hearing her voice, her laugh...just hearing her. As much of a chatter box as she is, I would LOVE to hear her chattering, hell I'd pay to hear her chattering little voice. I wish I wouldn't have fucked things up so much that he felt he had to take off with her. If he'd of just come to me and told me that he couldn't "take it any longer" I would have agreed to a divorce, and we could have worked things out as adults...but instead he had to act like a child and run away. I wish I could fix what I did....

Weird

Well, I don't have internet at home anymore....at least not for a while. Which is fine...makes me fill my day with some way more productive things, and in order for me to go online I have to walk somewhere that I can connect to the campus' free wi-fi. So, I only go out once a day, sometimes every other/few days.

Things lately have been a little weird for me though. The new meds I'm on, I think, are working...I'm having more good days then not. The days that I have "bad" days they seem more intense, but I think that it may be because of the fact that I'm not used to having so many good days...so the "bad" days seem worse than "normal." For me though, a "good" day is pretty much when I don't want to kill myself or cut...emotionally, things are still odd. I'm still not sure how to distinguish one feeling from another, or understand why I'm feeling a certain way. Like this morning I got upset and couldn't understand exactly why I was upset...yeah my appointment got canceled, but that's no reason to get upset. Bummed maybe, but not as upset as I got. Any way, she's supposed to call me next week to re-schedule...so I think I might see her twice next week...not definite. Even if I don't, I'll still see her next Friday. Though if I only see her next Friday, it'll only be for 50 minutes....hopefully we can accomplish what I was hoping to in the 50 minutes. It sucks, the times that I actually know what I want to talk about, my appointment gets canceled...this is the second time that its happened. Oi!

It's odd though...last week we were talking how I feel about the way people treat me b/c of who I am and how the only time it bothers me is when RJ or Bug are with me. I couldn't even admit out loud that I'm transsexual/transgender...I can describe it...or like I said in therapy "you know...me not feeling comfortable in my own skin." But I couldn't say who I really am out loud. I don't understand it. It's like when I first "came out of the closet"...I was a bit ashamed of who I was admitting to being. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I often, still, think that there's something wrong with me...as though I'm defective somehow. God and I have been having a few arguments lately. It's just I don't understand why He made me who I am, female, instead of who I'm meant to be, male...is He mad at me?!?!? Is it just Him showing that He has a sense of humor?!? WHY!?!?! Why me???? I hate who I am!!! I wish that I could be who I was meant to be... It hurts! The way people look at me, treat me, judge me...I hate it! I've had females flirt with me, but it's only because of the fact that they have no clue I'm actually a female myself. If they knew I doubt they would have flirted with me in the first place....stuff like that pisses me off, because I know that I've not a chance of ever truly being happy. RJ's already distanced himself from me to the point that it's weird for me...I didn't think that point would come for a while. There are times that even his words towards me are harsh, like he doesn't care at all. He took his wedding band off, which was my grandfather's, and put it on his key ring. That ticked me off, not him taking off...but him putting it on his key ring. If he was going to take it off, I would have preferred him give it back vs. treating it the way he is.

But over all...things for me have been weird; between my moods, my family life...everything in general. Not that I know what "normal" really is.

Honesty

Honesty, something a lot of people struggle with and a virtue that not many posses. I know that RJ and I try to be as honest as we can in order to set a good example for our daughter...who is at times, overly honest. She's one of those kids that you don't ask a question in which you don't want a truthful answer to.

Yesterday I experienced the importance of honesty. I had attended Pride Fest in Tri-Cities, which I had been excited about going. Half way through the day I'd gotten extremely hot and needed something other than water, so I decided to go to the grocery store that was only a few blocks away (turns out it was more like 1/4 a mile). As I was going into the store I observed this gentleman approach two older women (who were leaving the store) asking if they'd lost a wallet, when they responded no and continued on their way..he continued into the store right behind me. Something told me that there was something not quite right..so I slowed down and watched him, next thing I knew he was taking all the money out of the wallet. He then proceeded into the store and asked three more older women if they'd lost a wallet, and they had lost a wallet..they responded no as well and directed him to the manager that was at the first checkout register. As he told the manager that he found the wallet outside, the manager directed him to one of the customer service representatives. After the gentleman walked away, I told the manager that he'd taken all the money out of the wallet. He then approached the man to find out where he'd found it. I stuck around just in case they wanted a statement from me. After the manager came back in, he got my name, phone number, and a statement from me.

This morning I got a call from the Tri-Cities police department informing me that they had apprehended the guy who'd taken the money and got another statement from me. The officer then informed me that the couple who the wallet belonged to wanted to call and thank me for helping to catch the person who stole the money, but they couldn't give that information out..but they were able to give me their number and last name. I waited until noon to call them, because I didn't want to call too early. When I called I told the woman that I was glad they got their money back. The woman informed me that she is very happy that there are "still honest young people in today's society and that's something you don't run into very often." I let her know that it is unfortunate, yet true. I'm just glad they the police were able to get them their wallet and money back, I know what it's like to have my wallet stolen..except in my case all the money and bank cards were stolen, all that was returned were my wallet (duh), ID, and emergency card with my phone number on it. I'm thankful that God put me in the right place at the right time yesterday.

Amusing

Well, today has been an interesting day...I went downtown to Walla Walla and picked up my ticket to catch the bus out to Tri-Cities on Saturday...my buddy Jake joined me to get his ticket as well. I'm so excited about getting to go to Pride Fest this weekend. When I told my brother that RJ told me that I should go, and that he paid for my bus ticket to go, he was surprised. It surprised me as well...but his thoughts are, it's an outing that I need to make. Which him saying something like that is unusual for him, but he I'm not arguing. Other than that, today has been mundane. I got my haircut by my niece, and Ali got hers done as well...my hair on the sides and in the back is much shorter than I've had it since living out here, but it works for the heat that we've been having. A friend of mine has been begging me to go out with him and smoke pot with him, but I can't risk it, considering I'm likely going to get blood test done every month because of my medication...and marijuana will show up on a blood test. I know that if I smoke it right after I get my blood test at the beginning of the month, that it won't show up the following month, but it's always mid-month or towards the end of the month that he wants me to join him. It kinda' sucks because it works better than any of the medications I've been on in a while.

Life's been tough. i'm not going to lie about that. I've gone back to cutting, only because it's what I know as a release. Ever since I started this new medication that I'm on, it's made me more depressed. I can be in a good mood, but deep down all I want to do is kill myself. What scares me the most about it, I've already come up with a plan on how I would do it. I hate this feeling. I'm finally figuring out who I am and the one thing on my mind the most is how I'm going to end it all. I can't bring this up in therapy, because all they'll do is put me in a psychiatric hospital. That will just make matters worse. Maybe this outing on Saturday will help to get my mind off of how I've been feeling...I hope it does. I'm sure it will, because it'll get me out of the house and doing something that I'll enjoy. I just hope that I handle the massive crowds ok...again, I'm sure I'll be fine I'll take my meds, as perceived...and they'll help me out. I keep getting told that I have to think positively which is what I'm trying to do. If I keep thinking negatively, it won't make things any better...and I want to "feel" I want to live not just survive.


Oh, I fell back asleep after writing my last entry...and I figured out who the guard was in my dream, because I had the same dream...oddly it was my psychiatrist. Now, I'm curious what my dream meant...because that's just weird.

Ack! Dreams!

Well, I had another one of those freaky dreams last night, and it wasn't a flashback (I think I'd almost prefer a flashback over the dream I had).

I don't remember the dream in its entirety, but here goes; I remember being in a Natzi style encampment, with my closest friends and family, we were all working and doing what we were told. Next thing I remember is all my friends and family were standing in front of a large hole, kinda' like a trench. I'm standing in front of them with, what appears to be, a machine (type) gun in my hands and a guard next to me with a pistol to my head telling me that unless I killed all my friends he would kill me...next thing I know, I hear a gun shot and screaming...then I woke up in tears.
After that I was unable to fall back asleep after that one. I couldn't imagine having to have a choice like that, with not knowing that by giving my own life, my friends would be spared. For all I know, in a situation like that, regardless of my decision...everyone dies.

Any who...had my therapy appointment yesterday, and I took my brother's idea and started off with "here is how I'm feeling, I don't know why, but here's what I want to talk about." Which we did...and for once I was comfortable talking, because I had it set on my mind what I wanted, needed, talk about. It was, however, interesting to talk to her about not feeling comfortable in my own skin. As we got into talking about it, some of the questions she asked were like she was in my head...she knew exactly what to ask me and pretty much knew what my answer was going to be. I had told her about never, as far back as I can remember, feeling comfortable in "girl" clothes. That even the pictures of me from when I was younger show the difference in how happy or unhappy I was according to what I was wearing. I mentioned to here about the, almost, week that I, as an experiment, spent dressing more feminine and how miserable I was for the entire time of the experiment. I've since then, gotten ride of all the clothes that I wore for that week. I, actually, can't stand wearing feminine clothes...I'm miserable. I actually, unless I'm with RJ or Ali, when people call me "sir" I don't correct them anymore. Why correct people for something that, I've only let it bother me because of the people around me. My therapist even said (and I know my brother is going to say something to the affect of, "I told you so.") that I need to quit worrying about what makes everyone else happy or comfortable and start worrying about what makes me happy. If I don't care about being called "sir" then don't correct them, regardless of who's around. I've got to agree with her. I'd mentioned to her that I was looking at having my name changed from "Danielle" to "Danni", because not many people know me or call me "Danielle" anymore. I actually hate being called "Danielle." She said that if that would make me more comfortable/happy making it legal then "by all means" have it done. For the social security office it's really easy...but for the DOL I'll need a bit more paperwork, but it'll still be rather easy. So, I'm pretty happy about that. But, as we got further into the conversation, she'd mentioned the lack of, really, any difference between a transsexual and a transgender...and that I fit under those definitions. She also mentioned that what I brought up is a good thing to work on...learning to be comfortable with being myself. She did say it'll be a tough journey, but in the end it'll be worth it...and assured me that there is an end to the journey, but it will open up things for a whole other journey. I'm glad that we, finally, have something to focus on...and it's not my past experiences. For once, I'm actually looking forward to my next appointment, because I know what we're going to talk about. She had also mentioned to me that a compression vest will help me pull off the "guy look" vs getting the surgery, and it's much cheaper. Cheaper is good.

Other than that, this week has been pretty good. I'm looking forward to Saturday, because I get to go to Tri-Cities and go to Pride Fest...and I convinced my buddy, Jake, to go with me. So, now I won't be going by myself. I go to pick up my ticket today. RJ gave me $20 to buy a Grapeline ticket to get to Tri-Cities and back, because I couldn't find any other way of getting there. I'll be posting a few pictures of my time there on either Sunday or Monday.


"God loves me for who and what I am, and I am important to Him."

I love me for who and what I am regardless of what others say!!!

Can't sleep, aliens will eat me...

Well, I probably shouldn't have laid down right before dinner...I fell asleep for about an hour, and now I can't fall asleep. It's about 3:30a and I'm not tired. This sucks! Though between talking with my ex and my two brothers...also with some of my own reflection, what my oldest brother and I discussed is making more and more sense. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin, growing up I always felt like there was something wrong with me...like I was defective or something. Looking back at some pictures of me when I was growing up, a lot of them I was wearing boys clothes or clothes that looked like boys clothes. I looked happy. I miss "feeling" anything, especially happy. I don't remember the last time I honestly felt happy. I'm hoping that with discovering who I really am, and getting to be myself without anyone telling me who to be...I will discover what happiness is again. I look forward to my therapy appointment on Wednesday, for once. I actually know what I want to and am going to talk about, which is unusual. I usually have no clue as to what I want to or wish to talk about. I'm sure she'll be surprised when I'm just going to get to the point on Wednesday. I hate tip toeing around things. I drew out, within the first two or three appointments, several of my memories that I'm ready to talk about and told her that I wanted talk about one of them but wasn't sure which. I proceeded to ask her to pick one, so that we could work through it...we ended up talking about something else...my past abuse has only really come up one other time since then...and even then it was only for 5 or 10 minutes. Didn't really accomplish anything pertaining to it. So, instead of working through my past memories, I'm going to work on some of my present issues...past memories, evidently not important. Which at this point doesn't matter much...what I want to work on right now, is why I physically feel the way that I do. I want to work through feeling as though I'm defective. Life is a wondrous thing, no two people are exactly alike...no one has gone through the exact same experiences, feel the same, nothing...I have such a hard time understanding myself, it's not until I had the conversation with my oldest brother and he asked me if I ever wished I had a penis. The first thought through my head was, "how the hell does he know?" Off and on since I was a kid, I knew I was different, I'd just thought I liked girls...which made me a lesbian, just I couldn't shake this feeling that at times I'd wished I was a boy. In high school I'd heard of transvestites, and how they were cross dressers (which I wore boys clothes already) but didn't think that, that explained me...because besides wearing boys clothes I'd still often wish I were a boy, but thought it was just a phase...I knew I just wasn't comfortable in my own skin...like I was supposed to be someone else, but who I didn't know. I'd started using the nickname I currently go by since I was about 13 y/o. I just didn't like my full first name, it just wasn't me, the nickname I went by and still go by has always been more fitting and more...comfortable for me. I'm weird, I guess. A little quirky as well. But that's just me.

Confused and Nervous

This past Sunday I went to an AA meeting with my brother, and it was actually interesting. I didn't talk, mostly because I was nervous. On the way home my brother and I got into some interesting conversation...which a lot of it was helpful. The most interesting one was regarding me never feeling comfortable in my own skin. He threw me off when he asked me if I'd ever wished I had a penis. When in fact I have, I've actually looked into sex reassignment surgery(sex change). As we got to talking he mentioned that I might be transgender vs lesbian...up until I was around, I think, 25 y/o I'd never heard of transgender...I'd only heard of transvestite(cross dressers), which I wasn't sure if I was or wasn't because I've always been more comfortable in boy's/men's clothes. When I had heard of it, I didn't really know what it was, I just thought it was someone born with both male and female sex organs. As he and I got to talking, I started understanding what/who transvestites really are...and it started making sense. He'd mentioned that, that may explain why I've never felt comfortable in my own skin...as he described what/who transvestites are it was one of those "that explains everything" moments. I've just never been feminine or felt, I guess you could say, comfortable as a female...I've always thought that there was "something wrong with me." Now I know that I'm not going crazy, and there isn't anything wrong with me. I don't plan on telling RJ, because he's already having issues with me being lesbian...he'd have a cow if I told him I'm not lesbian, I'm a transvestite. I think that this will be one of those things that I don't tell anyone in my family. I feel really...I dunno', ashamed of who I am.

My therapist called just a bit ago, and apparently she can't see me on Friday...the one time I actually have something I want to talk about. I asked her if there's any other day that she can see me, and she managed to get me in on Wednesday. I know what I want to talk about, I'm just nervous about putting it out into words...I'm going to write it out onto paper, and just read it...like my brother suggested. I think that will be easier.

Other then that not much new going on...I'm trying to write more to get out how I'm feeling...it's just hard.

All I want

Therapy still confuses me...I'm supposed to come up with what I want to talk about, yet I have such a hard time to figure out how to get my thoughts into words. I can write how I'm feeling down, or type it. Often to others what I write to describe how I'm feeling, doesn't make sense to them. The one thing we kind of talked about was one thing that I want to get out of therapy...one thing I want is to really feel like I'm living vs. just functioning. I only feel like I'm functioning. To live is to feel, emotionally, to be aware of what is going on with your life. All I know is that I hate myself and that my new medication is making me feel more depressed, and the anti-anxiety med is making me so exhausted during the day that between the depression and the exhaustion, it's hard for me to get up and moving for the day.

Other than that, between Ali and RJ constantly hitting or squeezing my left hand...one of them is going to end up re-breaking my finger...right now it hurts a bit right now, because RJ accidentally grabbed my hand really hard this morning. It was irritating, because up until that point my hand wasn't irritating me.

I spoke with my hair dresser today to find out the name of the hair dye that he recommended to me, because it lasts around 2 months or longer...depending on how well and what type of hair product you use. The only place he knows to get it is Tri-Cities, which me making it out there is not happening. He informed me that he will be making a trip out there in the near future and that he wouldn't mind picking it up for me and getting it on his discount. With him doing my hair, he charges me the equivalence of a hair cut...which is cool. It makes it affordable for me to get my hair done...out of all the people that I've allowed to do my hair, he's the only one that consistently does it right...and I don't have to tell him how I want it done. This will be interesting when I start the new quarter...my hair will be quite colourful.

Even though RJ and I have talked about waiting till Ali's older and we've both finished our degrees and are set in a stable job for our profession before we split up...I'm tempted to suggest to him divorcing before then, so that we're both "free"...and just continue living together, because it will benefit both of us continuing to live together. But I don't think that he will go for it. I'm not considering it to be selfish, but I want to make it to where he's free to date whomever he wishes. I just don't want him to feel like he's locked down and not able to have a relationship that will make him happy. It feels like he's not happy, and I just want him to be happy...that's all I want. Ali couldn't handle us not living together. She'd caught us discussing "splitting up" and she freaked, which shows us that she couldn't handle it. The only thing I care about on this matter is the two of them being happy, my happiness comes secondary.


Family first....self comes secondary....